TaM-My Tada Random Rattles

WHEN LIFE HAVE NO MEANING

2011-12-19T08:48:00.000-08:00

When you have no drive anymore, you'll find yourself questioning your existence.

It is sad, don't you think?

I am only 24 and most of the time, I have nothing to live for.

I guess I am just lazy to move forward.

I admire those who strives so hard to survive although they endured so much hardship.

I feel guilty because I am so blessed, and yet, I find no reason to move on each day.

I used to be passionate about life.

And then, I don't know what happened.

I've lost it.

I do not thirst for it anymore...and I don't know why.

Life to me now, is pretty meaningless and I don't know if I'd find that something to spark me again.

The people around me are just faces.

And people talks about people. I talk about people.

I love the people around me - but sometimes, just tired of the antics; heck, I'm even sick of myself.

All I want so bad is to be passionate about an idea, a job, something that is only purely work - and I do not have to care about anything.

Problem is - that's an idealism - something that won't happen.

We need to deal with people, we need to deal with shitty situations and shitty jobs.

So at the end of the day...that's life. And what do we get?

I shall continue to drift and let things fall into place.

I really hope that I find that fire again, because now, I'm slowly losing steam, and desperate for charcoal to light it up again.

10 more days to a new year - and I desperately hope that it brings with it new beginnings.

2011 hasn't been generally kind to me, to be honest.

I just hope that 2012 is more gentle, and even if it really means the end of the world.

SMILE

2011-12-16T11:10:00.000-08:00

A smile is a funny thing
It hides your sorrow
It cheers up others in a special way

A person who smiles could have a thousand sorrows
That no one knows
But it's okay
Because it brightens up other's day

People hide behind their smiles sometimes
You just don't know it
You take smiles for granted

But it is easier to smile,
But more comfortable to cry
If it's a smile I need to make myself feel better
I would smile more
I just need to feel better
And today,
It was really hard to pull a smile
And I ruined other's day
And I ruined mine

TAKING RISK IS NOT COOL!

2011-12-08T09:21:00.000-08:00

Perhaps I am just not good enough.

That's why I will mess up my hair when I face difficulties.

I have personal issues to overcome - one is to keep my cool when under stress.

Seriously, I have this problem of not being able to think when things get rough. It is something that I tried learning to overcome, but I just can't.

If all my colleagues can keep their cool when they are stressed out, I think I'm the over-dramatic one who can't do it. It's all in my face.

Sometimes, it is really not the job.

It's the feeling that you don't know the outcome - whether it is right or wrong.

It is the feeling of uncertainty that drives me nuts.

I am never a risk taker and putting me in a position of risking others is a huge huge huge stress breaker for me.

Every campaign I run comes with a failure rate.

The 'failure' is what I am worried about. They say, fail to learn...but I am that kinda person who is most worried to fall, because I am those who are so worried about consequences. That's another reason why I can't be in business, besides the fact that I am not driven by money.

Maybe I am not good enough. That's why I have all these craziness in me.

For now, maybe I am the only person who cries the most in the office and perhaps I'm the craziest.

Sometimes, I wish I could be as cool and level headed as the rest of the girls.

They just somehow knows what to do and how to do it and me? More often than not, clueless without a direction.

Fooling around is just a way to hide insecurities that I myself can't really describe.

Today started rough.

Lack of sleep and tonnes of things to finish and worry about and not to mention, speculate. It is very difficult to not think the worst out of a situation, due to inexperience. I still feel that I am not good enough for my job....really...I am always clueless and I don't know what to do most of the time.

Perhaps my position is to allow me to move and progress but I really am having difficulties feeling unworthy of the spot. You know what I mean?

And I just don't know who to tell...

My family doesn't really care much about what I do at work.

Perhaps to them, my job ain't even worth talking about, unlike my sis's profession which is regarded as 'professional'.

At home, no one really cares about my job and so, my passion for what I do can only be shared among colleagues. My venting - also among colleagues.

It is quite tiring sometimes. That's why I Facebook so much hahaha.

When I am sad, I seriously have no one to turn to at home, except perhaps my mum.

Sometimes, now, it somehow feels that my colleagues and friends are my family. My family are just friends whom I visit every once a while. I can tell you that I am most myself with my friends and they get me even more than perhaps my family members. It could be wrong to say this...but it is true.

That's also the reason why that when I am sad, I find a friend to turn to instead.

I am 24. And I really hope I will grow and mature.

No matter how many times I tell myself that I need to change and be more cool when dealing with s***ty situations, I just can't.

Tomorrow is a new day and even before it starts, I am already burdened by the client's meeting.

My fingers are crossed and I pray for the best.

TammyC

AS RANDOM AS IT GETS

2011-12-04T11:21:00.000-08:00

It's almost 3AM and I am still awake for a reason.

My 6-hour nap served me well.

So besides contributing to my blog, and playing Tetris, can't think of much non-work related stuff to do.

I have loads of things to start on, but seriously, I do not want my Sunday (well, literally it is Monday) to be work related to be honest.

So below are my Sunday night/Monday morning musings before bed.

Bloggers...

Are no longer what bloggers originally are anymore. I find bloggers overly commercialized nowadays. What started off as a hobby, for those passionate about writing and sharing has now become a somewhat advertorial like platform; another tool for corporation to 'sell'. Nothing wrong with it but sometimes, it is just sad that so many things have become related to 'money'.

We are indirectly fed with information - that we sometimes do not know if it's for real, or just another paid write-up. But looking at it in another way, it is pretty cool to be able to just earn a living by just writing. Besides, you get to attend free events and do plenty cool stuff!

Sunflower seeds...

- are the best! I find myself very much addicted to eat because it is the best munching companion when it comes to watching TV series. Right now, my top TV series are still Criminal Minds, Glee and my latest favourite - Revenge!

People...

Are very complex. Most of the time, I just enjoy their companionship but I do not enjoy having to work together when it is clear that we have nothing in common. Learning to deal with different people and handling the relations is by far the toughest thing to do. Sometimes, I just wish that I could run far far away and not have to deal with anyone, but just to spend time with the only one who shares a special bond with me in terms of understanding.

All the time, the job is not hard - it's the people that is hard!

Life...

is something I don't understand and might not be able to understand till the day I die. I live everyday to the max but honestly, I still do not get the purpose of it. I just make sure that I am happy and the people around me are also happy, and maybe that's about it.

Health...

To be honest, I am guilty of not taking care of myself well enough. I wish I could be more discipline but I just am not. I am now having a lot of wind due to stress and I seriously hope that my next problem won't be stomach ulcers. Yeeaaaaouch!!

Guys name Chris...

Are super hot. I think (or rather hope) my future husband's name starts from 'C'...at least a Chris or Cory hahaha because they are the hottest. Hot guys with "Chris" for names:

- Chris Richardson, Chris Evans, Christian Bale, Chris Pine, Kris Allen...

So "C" is the way to go!

Cory...

is a Taurus. Dang! I just found out that last week and I am heart-broken. For a person who believes in star signs, how can I not believe that a Leo and Taurus are incompatible!

But it is ok....If Marion (Scorpio) and her husband (Leo) can last, I might have a chance (that is if I meet Cory muahaha)

Work...

Another exciting week!! I am both thrilled about the countless meetings I have and also very much stressed out. I need a rejuvenating break because I can't take it anymore!!

Enough crap. I am hungry and I shall try to sleep now.

Love
TammyC

WHY AM I SO INTO FACEBOOK?

2011-11-19T23:00:00.000-08:00

I realised that I spend every hour (if not minutes) of my day on the social platform known infamously as "Facebook". I could be one of the fanatically ones seriously, I'm not proud of it, but yes, I guess I am in a way addicted.

Believe me or not, I wasn't always hooked.
In fact, I was kinda anti-Facebook last time. I do not get it and I don't want to be part of it but signed up since a lot of my friends were on-board. Nevertheless, I wasn't active then.

I started getting hooked when I was in Liverpool.
This is because a community was built online.

When I was in Liverpool, all my friends were on Facebook, making comments, posting videos, discussing assignments; basically, Facebook got me closer to all my friends in Liverpool. We build a bond on Facebook...

This is what Facebook do basically.
Some may call Facebook a waste of time.

To be honest, I personally feel that Facebook is more than that. To me it is a sharing platform, a place where we get to know friends better, friends that we don't know previously or friends that we've not been contacting. Through Facebook, I've met new people, get closer to people and also know a lot more stuff.

And now Facebook is a place to build business too. In fact, part of my job involves Facebook too...

This social media platform is evolving and so, no one can blame anyone for being so connected (in other words, hooked) on Facebook!

So cheers to Facebook while it lasts!

TammyC

NO KIDDIN' ...HORMONES

2011-09-25T09:58:00.000-07:00

It seriously bugs me that as I grow older and more 'womanly', hormones are getting in the way.

You know the thing they say about women and the time of the month...YEP, that is true! It is...And it is not something we can control. I seriously become more emotional when it comes to that time of the month and I am not DENYING it. Trust me...it's not cool, but I just have no choice.

With that, I apologise if I've ever offended anyone, or did anything wrong during that time of the month because seriously, with cramps, stomachace, backache, moodiness and all that bull crap...I just couldn't be happy and rational all day. But NO EXCUSES I know...Let me try and sort things out k? Give this 24 year old a chance...

I just realised that I've only had 9 postings this year.

It's pathetic actually, for someone who claims that she loves to write, 9 posts a year is NOT justifiable. Haha.

So let me write something just to make 10.

Tthere were many instances where I felt like writing but I guess most of them were sad stories and complaints and I thought, why would I want to preserve all the bad and not the good? So I skipped fixating them and moved on, leaving most of the unhappy stories lingering on my mind instead. But perhaps I shouldn't be thinking so because bad experiences are great experiences and looking back, I believe I'd appreciate the fact that I've grown so much over the years.

What I've learned about myself this year is that I have quite a stubborn personality.

And if I don't think something is fair, I'd go all out to fight for it (most of the time I guess haha). I mean, I just can't take crap if it's ridiculous.

I had a few rows for the past week (partly due to hormones, seriously) and it really got me thinking.

I wouldn't say that I am completely right but then again, I wouldn't agree that I am wrong too.

I know that everyone is different and we have our own ways.

But to disregard other people's efforts because it's not done your way, it's simply ridiculous. If you are not on top of things, seriously, do not screw people. I seriously hate hypocrites and I hate people who are pots calling kettles black. Do not underestimate a job, no matter how small it is, because at the end of the day, you did not do it. If you did not do it, you have no right to say anything unless you've proven that you've done it before. Do not belittle people, and then make a fool out of yourself because of your own ignorance.

People have feelings...at the end of the day, even if you don't care, people are hurting because of you. How would you feel if someone else treated someone you love the way you treated others? If you still don't care, then you are selfish.

If God only created rationale, with no compassion, love and emotions...I don't think we'd be humans. We'd be robots. We'll be rigid with specific objectives to complete everyday.

Don't rationalise tears, or emotions...people feel sad for a reason. You don't have to understand it...but don't mock it.

I always believe that you treat people the way you want to be treated. I might not be the nicest person on Earth, I don't have a big heart...but at the end of the day, I treat people who deserves kindness with my heart because I believe that these are the people who deserves every bit of it because of their big heart. I envy them for their true kindness...you feel that they genuinely care for the people around them, and these people deserves all the greatness and happiness in life.

At the end of the day, I'm glad that we are different. It sets us apart. I don't want to be you. Simple as that. I'm proud I am not you. I'm proud that I have compassion and empathy. I have my own sets of weaknesses, yes, but I'm just glad that I can relate more to people.

My teacher once say, "If one person doesn't like me, I don't care, because I could be different from that person. But if most of the people don't like me, I'd need to check myself. "

I usually check myself all the time because no matter what, I want to be friendly, and I admit, I want to be likable because I just hate to be an ass or a jerk. Why ruin other people's day by being a jerk? Don't we love it when others treat us nicely?

If you don't care, no one can help you.

I admit, you are unique in that way, and there will be people who admires people like you. God is fair. There's no right or wrong. He made you that way for a reason. And he made me, me for a reason. I believe the disagree I had happened for a reason.

I guess it is a relief in a way. I got half the things on my mind out.

If nothing changes, I'll continue to do what I do and will learn to respect although I disagree. It's not an easy thing to do, because I'm who I am - headstrong at times.

All in all, it's very interesting to see my own self change because 10 years ago, I wouldn't stand up for myself this way.

I've grown - I just need to learn to be more diplomatic and to control my emotions.

I'm not as rational, but with the help of the people around me who has guided me and who loved me for who I am...I will survive I guess. :)

Thanks to those who have been there....

Everyone I've talked to...has indirectly gave me a different perspective of the incident and helped me through in different ways.

Thank you...

EXPRESSIONS @ 3AM

2011-09-15T12:17:00.000-07:00

It's only words...

Sometimes, I wonder what's the line between venting and complaining and perhaps even bad-mouthing others.

To be honest, I do have a pretty loud and bitchy mouth sometimes, but, I never really meant every single word I said because most of the time, I was only influenced by emotions, causing my brain to not filter the words that fly out of my fat mouth.

It's bad, there's no excuse.

Every single time I set my mind to controlling my mouth, I tend to forgot and fall back to how I naturally am..LOUD, ANNOYING and a person who talks without thinking through.

I'm a person who wear my heart on my sleeves...I'm open about how I feel and I just say things as it is most of the time. I don't hide how I feel, unless necessary. I am brutally honest with people whom I like, and sometimes, too honest even with people I should not trust.

At times, I really hate myself for being the person I am because I have so much to comment and say about others. I know I have my own weaknesses and yet, it's like my "job" to critic others, when it is not. I am just a critic!

As I write this, I'm thinking about the times in which I've pointed out others' flaws and my dissatisfaction with them, when I guess I should learn to see the good in them, or if I can't, I should just keep my mouth zipped.

I'd like to apologise, if in any way, my words have hurt anyone because I really did not mean to do it. My expressions were just a mere ventilation, to get things out of my chest due to frustrations. In the process, I might have went overboard with the choice and selection of words, and I guess, it has somehow crossed the borderline to the world of gossip. Gossip is interesting, but disastrous and unhealthy.

Sometimes, there are certain characteristics in people that I might not be able to stand, and so, I just need to tell someone. I did not mean to judge or critic, because at the end of the day, I still really love the people around me because they made me who I am today - whether for the better, or for worst. I'm not completely proud of who I am but I guess, I am not at all bad (I hope).

So sorry...And I will keep my mouth shut more often unless I'm playfully being sarcastic. :)

What do you get when you fall in love?

So ya...

Met up with a friend yesterday and again the question of whether or not I have a boyfriend pops up.

Last two weeks, my old high-school friend told me that another friend of mine is in a relationship.

Last two weeks, I received a wedding invitation.

Just today, my colleague told me about her 'date' with a guy she kinda like.

So all these got me thinking...about, dang it...relationships!!!

I'm 24 and I've been single all my life. Is there ANYTHING WRONG WITH ME?

AM I TOO BLOODY PICKY?! Hahahaha.

I guess I'm the kinda girl who wants to get it right the first time, and unless I'm pretty sure, I don't think that I'd take any risks.

There are two questions that people ALWAYS ASK ME...and yes, different people but the SAME QUESTIONS.

"Don't you ever want to date anyone?"

My answer is always simple, "I do when fates decide that I meet the right guy".

Yes, when I meet that person, I will, but definitely, at this stage of my life, I can guarantee that I won't just accept anyone just because I need to have a so-called 'boyfriend'. (Fast forward 10 years and when I'm still single, I might pull a different tale but let's leave that to future Tammy ya)

"Have you ever fallen in love with anyone before?/Is there any guy that have made your heart pound before?"

My answer is, I don't know if I've fallen in love before because I can't define it.

As for guys that make my heart pound - 5!

But I always wonder if a 'heart pound' means love or if it's just a mere crush that perhaps will last 2 years maximum.

Seriously, I've no feeling for any of my previous crushes anymore. They don't even know I have crushes on them, and I guess, I've also gotten over them and moved on. They are still my friends but I guess that's it.

There are mainly a few same problems with the dudes I crushed on: -

One (1): I just don't see how we can click/we are too different and so I don't see them as someone whom I can actually expressed myself to because I'm intimidated by them (so, they won't be my best friend and I want my guy to be my best friend :))

Two (2): They are always related to some other girls (rumoured to be dating, rumoured to have something on, or not available)

Three (3): I always say stupid and RUDE things that might offend them and I can't help it. I just am quite nasty and COOL with the dudes I like. Most of the time, I won't initiate any conversation, unless they prompt it and I'll ride on that. If I'm friendly towards you, that means I totally DON'T HAVE A CRUSH ON YOU. :)

Somehow though, I really wish that they would have just approached and asked me if we can start something new...The truth is, I won't mind taking a chance if it's a crush.

I seriously won't...

I am not the kinda girl who can approach...and that's my weakness.

Most of the guys who asked me directly or indirectly are not really my type and I feel so bad that I just need to tell them indirectly that it won't work. But seriously, most of them are too shy to really move forward anyway...so it's ok. I just take it that my hint was noted and I try to avoid them as much as I can, so that things are less awkward.

But I am still very happy with the way things are now, with my friends, family and my job...sometimes, I guess I don't feel the need to have a 'guy', I just need a good friend. Nevertheless, I won't lie and say that I've never not feel lonely. But then I think again, you can still have a boyfriend and feel lonely. A boyfriend/husband is not a solution to loneliness...but rather, having people you love around you - be it friends or family. Then again, I guess there'll come to a point where you will just need to face it that your friends will have family members of their own and your family members will slowly leave you too. And it will be then that you'd wish that you have someone to call your own. *lightbulb* Adoption!

I'm stuck in a job that I love and don't mind working hours for.

I'm in a job where I can still have fun, balance my life. People say I work till late and all, but the truth is, I enjoy it.

The weirdest thing is, I love my office sometimes. I love to work there. I don't mind going back to the office sometimes even on weekends. It's like my home. I'm NUTZZ I know!! But I love it!

I love my job, most of the time, I also love my colleagues. So, I'm married to my job! That's the sad truth. But we all know this relationship won't last...and until it does, I guess, I might not have a real relationship. Sometimes, I don't really mind, but sometimes, I secretly wish I could have both.

Tammy

ONE WORD - BALI

2011-08-30T13:08:00.000-07:00

Bali – Day 1

Any trip, as usual started off with excited. Bali for sure is exciting for me because it marked my first step into Indonesia, and Bali is one of the places on the globe that I told myself that I would visit, especially after watching and reading “Eat Pray Love”.

Well, unlike the book however, I’m not really here to seek ‘love’ but rather to indulge into the colours and cultures while relaxing.

Day one was not easy for me because I was unlucky enough to catch a flu bug 2 days before the trip. So I was basically praying hard and trying to maintain a ‘healthy’ body temperature by feeding myself with enough panadols and water.

The flight was not particularly pleasant, although I must admit how lucky I was to be seated next to a really sweet couple from Switzerland. Seeing both of them locking hands while watching movies melted my heart (excuse me for being such a nosy plane passenger). Although the rough air-ride, I was lucky that I survived the flight (imagine 3 hours of real torture due to nose-block and sinus). The stewardesses were not particularly helpful; I clearly looked desperate enough to die for water and yet, they somehow ‘disregarded’ me and took their own sweet time serving other food. Even the couple next to me felt annoyed with her service that they helped me call for their attention, which was also disregarded until I ‘died’ sitting due to the drought. (Okay, over dramatizing, but seriously, I was NOT in the best condition, with nose block and sore throat attacking me at the same time)

Once the plane leveled with the ground, my heart sang “Hallelujah”….seriously, “LAND!!!” and I could breathe with two nostrils again. By the time we reached the airport, my stomach signaled for food. Seriously, if you know me well enough, if my stomach signals for food, you know, I am desperately hungry. This is because, I SELDOM SAY I AM HUNGRY.

Finding a taxi without being cheated is also another challenge but I always leave these ‘hard’ work to others hahaha. Okay, I am evil, but heard of too many cooks spoil the soup? Ya…exactly! Once we got a cab, we rolled to Tune Hotel where I literally just dumped my luggage and went out to scout for food. Remember the signal from the stomach?

Most of the stuff nearby were pretty pricy but we found a great place for ‘penyet’ styled cooking which was pretty cheap. The servings were not huge, but it silent my stomach and I got back to the hotel a happy girl.

Our first meal in Bali - Penyets! :)

Day one ended with a bath with no body shampoo (because I realized when I’m half naked that my liquids are at my friend’s suitcase, dang!). Brushed my teeth and forced myself to bed, anticipating the next day. To be honest, I really did not sleep well I guess because I was just tooooooooooooooo excited and my brain was filled with activities.

I guess my brain fully rested once the clock struck around 4am…zzzz….

Bali - DAY 2 & 3

“RINGGGGGG!!!!”

A tiny hand reaches out for the phone alarm. Small eyes saw the time “7.30 am”.

Awww that’s just great! Barely have enough sleep and it’s time to pop up.

My mind straightaway suggested to my body that I should skip breakfast and continue to snooze for another 10 mins.

10 minutes later…

Dang!! Have to force myself up. It’s pathetic how lazy and fat my bump is, even during vacations. But yes, I managed to drag myself to the bathroom which is literally, less than 30 centimeters away (hahaha that’s how small Tune Hotel is).

In merely 20 minutes, I washed up, took a warm bath and was up and about in the lobby waiting for the rest of the gang. Not a morning person, I accidentally made my infamous ‘sulky’ face (where I will pout my mouth just for fun at my colleagues) I have every morning in the office. Dang! When my friend asked me “Why are you sulking?”, I immediately remember how one of my colleagues asked me the same question once. Dang! I kinda miss work!

Bali adventure day 2 & 3 were fantastic.

We went to all the famous tourist spots and there were all amazing. I shall sum up everything I vividly remember about Bali in a few sections.

Sunsets:

I understand now why people choose Bali for a romantic getaway because seriously, what can be more romantic than watching the sunset with your partner.

But the sunsets are amazingly breathtaking and it’s so beautiful that I don’t even mind watching the sunsets myself.

The sunset that I love the most is the one I saw at Uluwatu Temple and by Kuta Beach. The sunset in Jimbaran, to be honest is overrated. It was beautiful, but I guess not really worth paying for (if we were to have our seafood there).

Monkeys

My quiet contemplation time by the sunset at Uluwatu was seriously disruption by one naughty and violent monkey who literally steals and rapes. Hahahaha.

I found a great spot with a great view to enjoy my sunset and suddenly I heard screaming and the next thing I know I saw a monkey holding a cap and bearing his fangs, showing off to the crowd. Then he climbed on another monkey and literally raped her. Seriously, that is one of the MOST DISGUSTING THING I’ve ever seen in my life.

We discovered a new sense of fear that day – monkeys. They have the ability to do a lot of scary things and the last thing I want is my bag to be snatched by a monkey. Because then, you can only blame yourself for being dumber than a monkey. I was really protective of my bag and my phone especially, but I still managed to capture a few awesome sunset shots with the phone camera. Awesome!

Lesson learned: Monkeys are scary and we scratched out “Monkey Forest” from our list of tourist destination planned for the next day.

Jammed, narrow and winding roads

Seriously, if you think Malaysia traffic is bad….try Bali.

Drivers are “forced” to drive recklessly due to the road conditions. Imagine literally overtaking other cars in a narrow and winding road. NOT COOL! In Malaysia, that would have been a great way to die.

And any driver driving like how our driver drove in Malaysia would have been ‘honked’ till the next century. It was a scary ride at first but I somehow got used to it after 3 hours. The people there are so understanding, that they willingly make way for your car and they are ‘actually ok with drivers overtaking them with all sorts of driving and maneuvering techniques,

Oh did I mention these narrow lanes are also friggin’ dark and scary. In Malaysia, these lanes would be a definite ‘no-no’ for ladies like me at night. So I admit that I was pretty scared while walking through those lanes because I was really worried that someone would just snatch my bag. Nevertheless, I guess the people in Bali are a bit more ‘controlled’ and the place is definitely much safer in a sense.

Food (Bakso, nasi padang, nasi campur, babi guling)

Pig/Pork Roll a.k.a. Babi Guling

Bakso

I wasn’t crazy about the food in Bali although they tasted good. I guess again, it’s my personal preference – I’m too westernized when it comes to food and I tend not to dig food that comes with rice.

Thus, I really love the delicious Pork Chop and Tuna Steak I had on the 2nd night. Too amazing. :)

Nasi campur was really good although from the looks of it , you probably won’t think so. However, I particularly enjoy the Bakso (because it reminds me a lot of my favourite beef noodles back in Malaysia). I did not eat much of those though, because I sort of promised myself to not eat beef for 6 months after I lost my second phone in the month of August. Which will lead me to my next story on Day 4…I lost my phone, AGAIN!

Bali – Day 4 & 5

On the morning of Day 4, I woke up excited about my massage but things took a turn after my visit to the money changer. I remember taking out my phone to calculate the rates and when the dude was not willing to change my RM 60 into Rupiahs, I remember sliding my phone and then….

Before I knew it, I lost my second phone in the month of August 2011. The first one was an iPhone!

So my massage wasn’t that great because my mind was too troubled with the fact that I’ve once again disappoint myself and everyone by losing my phone. Nevertheless, the masseuse was really good and the massage would be even more comfortable if not because I can’t relax my mind.

At the spa

Towards night, I guess my mind was obsessed about going online because I wanted to share with the world back home about how sad I was. And of course, check emails!

We found McCafe, seriously the most awesome place to hang out in Kuta. I just love sitting on one of those seats facing the sea, and just going through my emails. The best work experience ever!

So Day 5 was dedicated to McCafe, online and the beach. Seriously, the best way to relax is to really just sit by the beach and DO NOTHING, but just accompanied by some good music blasting from my headphones. Or maybe exchange few short conversations with your friends. That is life man! I could live there forever. Everything I need is there – internet, music, the beach, hot dudes…ya…all checked!

I'm so going back to Bali again next year (or maybe the next haha, depending on my financial capabilities).

The place is too beautiful and amazing to not visit again.

There were good and bad memories during this trip but I'm pretty sure that after the years, I'll only remember all the good :)

The trip back to Malaysia was awesome because it was a blur, mainly because I slept through the whole journey. Life was awesome then.

Til the next Update! :)

ps: Will try to be more hardworking

With lotsa Love
TammyC

LITERALLY ON THE ROAD TO MALACCA

2011-06-16T09:05:00.000-07:00

1st of May, and it was a long weekend because we had an extra Labour Day holiday.

My friend, King Kong and I planned the trip 2 weeks back I think but as the day draws closer, I was sooooo friggin' tired that I suggested that we call it off! Two days of rest can do A LOT in terms of energy replenishing.

But I'm glad that King Kong got angry with me (because she wanted to try her layered cake) and 'forced' me to get my lazy butt off the bed and do something exciting.

So that beautiful morning, I chirped up and embraced the highway towards Malacca.

The journey towards Malacca saw me chiming along the rhythms of my favourite songs, and not forgetting my infamous driving dances that can be pretty embarrassing for those around me, but I've learned to say "who cares" haha. I just love to drive and move my body at the same time.

All went on smoothly until we hit a jam at the exit towards Malacca.

Dang! Our fears that Malacca would be jam-packed on public holidays had just materialised. So the Kong and I were stuck at the exit, all the way to the toll. The traffic condition continued to be a spoil-sport after the toll as we were moving at the speed of a turtle, and my hyper-activeness and dance moves died after 30 minutes in the jam. Way to go!

After crawling our way towards town, I gave up driving and suggested we park our car in the outskirts of town instead. At that point, I have faith that I can walk faster than cars, yes, I am SUPERWOMAN. And I was right.

King Kong and I 'dumped' the car on an empty land somewhere in the middle of nowhere and we snapped photos of the surrounding shop lots so that we can find the car (or at least, someone else can find it) later.

This was where we parked

Then we put our feet to work.

Walking as swiftly as superwoman, we glide across the sides of the road, passing by all the cars that are lining up on the road.

I was busy snapping pictures of the town along the way, while King Kong was the tour guide who was frantically searching for Jonker Street so that we can have our much anticipated Laksa for lunch. I feel bad because King Kong is always the one doing all the hard work, while I practically don't care about finding my way because...oh well, I am always the kind who likes to go wherever the wind takes me haha. So in Malacca, I just go wherever the Kong takes me. :)

But Kong is good...she found Jonker Street after she asked directions from a dude who she described as "has a decent and trustworthy look".

Jonker Street!

I've heard loads about it but it's been years since I visited Malacca and to be honest, I have the vaguest memories on how the city looks like. So there I was, in the middle of Jonker Street, looking for Laksa. I saw a line of hungry people in front of the Chicken Rice balls shop....I'm too hungry to wait so I bid farewell to the rice balls and headed straight behind King Kong to the Laksa shop, excitingly anticipating the sweet and sour spicy taste of one of my favourite local delights. In my mind, I kept thinking that "THIS LAKSA HAD BETTER BE THE BEST AND AWESOMEST ONE I'VE TASTED BECAUSE I'D LITERALLY WALKED MILES FOR IT!"

The line for The Chicken Rice Balls

As we walk towards the shop, it started drizzling.

King Kong volunteered to line up for the Laksa, while I am in-charged of sauna-ing myself inside the shop and find a table.

So if there's a split-screen to describe this screen, you'd see King Kong lining up in the rain, with a dude holding an umbrella and chatting with her, while I'm inside standing up, playing Angry Birds, while waiting for a family to finish up their meals so that I can grab their table.

Timing was awesome because once my butt touches the chair, I saw King Kong with two bowls of Laksa, walking in.

AWESOME!

We chowed down the noodles and I bought us cendol!

So was the Laksa worth the extra mile? Yes!

After our Laksa, we headed to our next stop - Nadeje Cake House for the layered cake that Kong had been craving and basically, it was Kong's main reason for the trip.

We got a bit lost at first, trying to locate the shop and it was victory for us when we managed to find it. But our spirits were hampered once again when we understand from the shop that their cakes are all sold out and there were more than 50 people waiting for more cakes.

Disappointed and tired, the almost dead King Kong and I proceeded to leave when another miracle happened. THE CAKES ARRIVED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Once again, we quickly get ourselves in line for a taste of this infamous layered cake. The two girls in front of me had this exaggerated review of the cakes...telling each other how great the cakes are and how they can finish one whole cake by themselves. "Excuse me?"

I hear myself saying once again "THIS LAYERED CAKE HAD BETTER BE THE BEST AND AWESOMEST ONE I'VE TASTED BECAUSE I'D LITERALLY WALKED EXTRA MILES TO SEARCH FOR IT!

So it was finally us at the counter purchasing the cakes and although there were limited cakes to go around, we got ourselves two slices - one chocolate and one original.

The shop was so packed that we had to eat the cake somewhere else and so we went to Starbucks so that I could have my Frappuccino to go with the cake. Starbucks was also packed with homo sapiens, but I guess it was a lot better than the cake house. At least I could breathe there. In a couple of minutes, we found ourselves a spot and enjoyed a short tea break before we tried to figure out how to get back to our cars.

The layered cake was really good and I guess I know why people are crazy over it. But if you ask me, I would not go through THAT MUCH just for the cake. It wasn't overrated, but I guess I am just not the type who would swim through a river full of crocodiles just to get a taste of sweet.

Yes, the cakes were good. But make sure you pre-order it so that you don't end up lining up like us fools haha...

At around 6pm, we started mapping our way back to our car. If we were iPhones, I guess our energy level would be around 18%, so we decided to scrap off the idea of WALKING BACK TOWARDS THE CAR. But the challenge was getting a cab because there was none who would stop to greet us, let alone pick us up and ferry us back to our starting point. So we dragged ourselves to the nearest hotel and asked if they could help get us a cab. The nice hotel staffs contacted the taxi service but told us that the taxi driver is stuck in a jam and so we would need to wait.

I seized the opportunity to take a quick nap at the hotel lobby. Yep, I am not sure if I should be impressed with myself or not, but I realised that since I started working, I have developed the ability to sleep under whatever circumstances, and basically it doesn't really matter where I am.

So I told Kong to wake me up once the cab is here and so as I doze off, she busied herself with her iPhone. When the cab came, we hopped on it and we were lucky to find the car safe and sound. :)

King Kong did not waste any time during my nap as she was busy editing a photo of me sleeping on her iPhone. What the heck!

The journey to Malacca ended on a high for me I had a blast although it was tiring.

No regrets at all! I'm so glad I went because the trip is another great addition to the journey I called my life. :)

"Trippin'" with one of your good buddies is always the best!

P/S:

It's been TWO MONTHS!

TWO WHOLE MONTHS since I last contributed in this space of mind.

What the heck!

Life has been awesome and crappy at the same time.

Trying to let my passion flow through my veins again, I did some traveling and I'm so excited that I finally have time to write about my trips. :)

Next up: Singapore trip!

With Lotsa Love,

TammyC

LIFE IS AN ENDLESS BATTLE

2011-02-27T09:12:00.000-08:00

Life is an endless battle
Don't you think so?

It's like, you can't live without challenges that come right smacking at your face.
If you have nothing coming at ya, you feel bored...you desire that thing that gets you going again.

But when you are faced with so many stuff, you just want to get away from it all, and untangle everything that is knotted up in your messed up brain.
Every day, you need to deal with things.And things just don't end there, things keep popping up and you just need to keep facing them.

When will this tiring battle end...
Or do I even want it to end.
I'm just freaking tired.

ANOTHER SERIES OF VENT-ILATION

2011-02-02T12:35:00.000-08:00

First of all, GONG XI FA CAI and Happy Chinese New Year.

A huge shout-out to the year of the Rabbit.

From the fortune telling on TV, seems like it wouldn't be a great year ahead for those born in the year of the Rabbit.

Since when did I become so superstitious?

For one thing, I need to watch my mouth and watch what I say - oh well, I guess that IS GOOD advice since I could have always blurted out wrong stuff without knowing consequences. So perhaps this is a year I find some peace within me?

I was also advised to visit a dentist to have my teeth clean - could this be an indication that I have dirty teeth and will be getting a toothache soon? Oh Lord NO!

On top of that, bad health for the bunnies!

Once again, a hint to start exercising....Time to force my lazy bum up and do something about getting healthier. Well for one thing, I've started taking Vitamin C....hope that helps :P

I guess at the end of the day, we all just need to stay positive and think positive - that should fend off all the negatives and the 'sui' energy that is claimed to overwhelm the year for the bunnies.

Life has been okay - nothing great but basically, just living it as well as I could.

Have some issues with emotions and self-esteem for the past few days - thinking about life and all; hoping that I'm in a TV soap drama instead of living in reality. Oh boy! Why do life in TV shows have to be so perfect - beautiful actors, beautiful actresses, problems that can always be resolved at the end of the day....oh crap!

Been feeling super lonely and left out as well these few days. Sigh I don't know why...I mean I have my family, but sometimes, don't even feel like I belong. I guess I've been stuck for too long at home and all my pals are back in their home town and I just miss being crazy with my friends.

And recently there have been so many dramas going with the people around me and sometimes I just wish I could run away and start a new life some place else. It's like I have to continue to fake it to live it....

This is so not the way to start the new lunar year man! With all negatives! No!

I think it's time that I set myself free from the grasps of insecurity and whatever crappy problems around me and start living again. I guess I will need to just disregard everything that doesn't matter and focus on the important things in life.

For one thing, am very excited about my trip to Bali.

One day, I hope I can just be the world traveler who doesn't really need to care about anything, but just explore whatever that wants to unveil itself.

I miss Liverpool and UK so bad. The other night, I just dreamed about the streets...

I really wish I could be back there again...sigh,...why am I still living in the past? Or is there a future there for me there?

SECOND TIME KUCHING

2011-01-21T10:14:00.000-08:00

My past few days in Kuching submerged me in the culture of a small loving town, with wonderful people.

My four days in Kuching was no doubt filled with work, but the great thing is that, this time, I got to spend more time sight-seeing and eating around town as compared to my first trip to this "Cat"town.

Being in Kuching as an Ipoh-KL girl makes me pretty distinctive in that small town - I think I felt people looking at me different, as in they knew that I'm from out of town and doesn't fit in. And they are really nice. In big cities, people do not treat you that way if they know that you are from somewhere else. They won't make you feel belong, let alone make you feel special.

Kuching people are very down-to-earth and humble - even a Datuk doesn't act all snobbish to a point where you actually forgot that you are dealing and talking to a Datuk. Our client is a Datuk and we kept calling him by his first name, to a point where we forgot that he is a Datuk.

When we arrived, we went for a delicious curry chicken rice meal, very famous in Kuching because you keep hearing people talk about where's the best place for curry chicken rice. After lunch and a long day at the client's office, we proceeded to dinner quite late but we managed to indulge in local food such as kuo chip pan tiew (ketchup keuy tiew), kolo mee, o-jian and roasted chicken. Our first night was made more interesting when we found a new toy called the 'arrow helicopters' - the toy basically consist of 2 components - an elastic rubber band and 2 flaps with lights. Using the rubber band, you launch your flaps into the air and they shall spin like colourful coppers in the air before slower descending in mid-air. The lights make the whole thing very beautiful, especially at night. It's quite fun to play with, especially if you are competing as to who can launch the copper higher. But me being me, I had to hurt myself when playing this. I sprung the flaps wrongly and the launch into my middle finger - i felt the burning sensation instantly and it was hurting like mad I was so worried that I might have lost a middle finger. I guess it's God's way of telling me to use my middle finger more appropriately.

Before we knew it, the sun rises on the us and we greeted our second day early. It was off to the client's office. But dinner was kind as we went Italian! I LOVE ITALIAN (among other things)!!!!!!!! So ya, it was great to be greeted by an assortment of cheesy (literally) Italian dishes such as pasta, pizza, etc. It was a happy meal.

Third night was awesome too as I met up with my friend from Kuching. Had dinner at one of those well-known cafes in Kuching and although the meal was simple, we had some great laughs that made the whole night super special.

Then it was the fourth night. Our clients brought us, together with the media to one of Kuching's most famous seafood spot - aptly named Top Spot. We were treated like kings (oh well, the food is for the media but we rode along hahaha) as we were impressed with almost 9 different dishes - all famous dishes from Kuching. I gloated with glee at the sight of the food but then sad that we can't finish most it.

After a few days of, well considered half laid back working, we were back to serious business for our event. It was really late nights as usual, basically just getting things ready for the big day.

Generally, I realized that it is safe to say that Kuching people are different from KL folks; they take things in a slower motion - well I guess they are less hectic and more relax in that way. In some ways it is good, but I guess if we are looking at progress, sometimes, this could be a drawback. I mean, if it takes a waiter takes more 20 minutes to get the bill or more than 20 minutes to provide you with a Menu, it speaks volume about their style of work. Oh well....at least they are nice. We can't complain.
KL people are always on the go - we want things done fast and we are always chasing time....perhaps we should slow down? Well, only you can tell which life suits you more.

SO KUCHING?
Great place to relax and enjoy food...but perhaps, not work hahaha.

Have fun folks.

With Lotsa Love
TammyC

THOSE WHO MIND DON'T MATTER, THOSE WHO MATTER DON'T MIND

2011-01-09T09:57:00.000-08:00

Why does it bother me so much when people wants to be a@#-es and hurt your feelings?

Why do I care so much what others think about me?

There are people who says things that are hurtful (whether on purpose or not), and sometimes, I just don't know why I can actually feel upset about it for days.

The other day, someone just screwed me when I had to consider something, and me, being an indecisive person had always have the tendency to think longer than I should.

I mean, what wrong did I do for actually voicing out my thoughts. Are we not in a free country anymore that I can't even think aloud as to whether or not I want to spend my money on something? I mean, why is it even wrong to think about whether or not I want a particular object especially when it involves money? Think before you spend, right?

I'm actually over it, you see, but I'm just a bit sad at myself for letting things like these ruin my day.

You see, I think I have the right to think out loud when making decisions, but I let those who are insensitive ruin my day. Why?

And why do I even have to care what others have to say about me, when that person is unimportant? But I guess that I value the friendship, and thus I care, but perhaps, a good friend would never do anything or say anything like that to hurt you....

At times like these, I always consider myself lucky because I always have true friends to turn back to; friends who just accepts me for who I am and has always been politely honest with me. Being straightforward with your friend is a good quality, but how you say it determines what kind of person you are.

So, today I was out with a few buddies for dinner and suddenly, I'm again beginning to doubt my future, where I'm heading to, and what my life would turn out to be on the road ahead. There are people who feels that I'm a hypocrite, for staying in a job that I, well, never plan I would do, and for not chasing after my dream of being a writer.

I realized that expecting people to understand how you are feeling or why you do the things you do is sometimes a complete waste of time and feeling sad over the fact that people just doesn't get you is quite stupid.

I do not need to explain to others why I'm doing the job I'm doing (well, one obvious reason is because it pays, duh!) or why I'm not doing the things that I said I would be doing. And I do not need to tolerate those who criticize me for my actions or the road I take because these are choices I made due to my circumstances, which frankly, only people who really cares about me, understands. I'm guilty as well because at one point, I judge people the way I hated others judging me, and now, I understand that, oh well, I don't fully get the situation that others are in and I have no rights to comment on how others live their life.

I'm glad to say that I'm happy with how I'm living my life now and although there are times in which I am so clueless, I try never to lose sight of my dreams, and I will definitely try out things I want to do someday, somehow.

So ya, work...

There are good times; there are bad.

The most satisfying times are when you get complimented for achieving something or when getting a job done well.

The most dilapidating moments are when you screw up so bad, you get screwed by your clients. Usually, it's due to my carelessness.

Well, life is never easy...sometimes (or everyday), I question my capabilities....

I hate that I'm so friggin careless....

But I guess I'm learning everything I can, and saving up as much as I can, so that one day, I can further my studies and land myself in a job where I love every aspect of , where facing the challenges is nothing but a breeze because I love it so much, that quitting is not even an option.

I toast to that day. I'm still driving down that road....

And finding my direction

And learning that difficulties and critics are just part and parcel of life

I'm going to learn to live with this quote:

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind" - Dr. Seuss

How true...

With Lotsa Love

TammyC

FIRST DAY OF WORK

2011-01-03T09:11:00.000-08:00

When things don't go your way, you just sit back, vent a bit and then just forget it I guess.

Horrendous first day at work for the year 2011.

Everything went on well until the end of the day when things got rough. I do not like to point fingers; and I guess the most important thing is to get the thing settled. However, sometimes the journey isn't pleasant.

Must learn to not show obvious dissatisfaction.

Can't help but had to just screw my boss. Can't help it. It's the Leo in me that's taking over.

But another lesson learned, another day passed.

Oh well, perhaps it's days like these that makes life worth living and worth fighting for, because as the day draws its curtains, only will you hear the applause - somewhere ringing I guess, although there might not even be a set of audience.

May the second day of work in the year 2011 be a smoother one.

I still have tonnes to do and I kinda swore to myself that I'd blog more often this year.

I feel like I'm losing the inspiration I need to write and I do not want to lose that part of me. I do not want to lose the part of myself that I love.

I can't stop thinking tonight: What if 2011 will continue to be that bad? Oh NO!!!!!!!!!

It's just a taste of bitterness and I'm down like this? Girl come on!

Anyway....

Randomness out of the blue:

Film - I want to further my studies in Film Studies!

Movies & Cinema - Haven't been watching much movies lately...can you believe it? I'm actually lazy to go to the cinemas

January - All eff-ed up this year

Sarawak - Hope I will finally have a good time there the next round I go

Next week - Praying to the Lord and the deities and every single God there is out there that everything will be well as planned

Rascal Flatts - God I love them!

With Lotsa Love,

Tammy

IT'S A WRAP 2010

2011-01-01T00:15:00.000-08:00

Greetings 2011.

Hello 1.1.11.

11 is my lucky number and the year of the Rabbit according to the Chinese calendar, so I guess I expect 2011 to be my year. (I expect every year to be my year)

So what's happening in 2011?
For one thing, I'm turning 24 (but I still feel like a teenager.)

Most people see a New Year as a new beginning, I guess I'm also one of those who look at every new year as a start of something new, something better.
Then again, I also try to see every month as a new beginning, especially if I've had a terrible month previously.

Although it's advisable to put the past behind us, I think in the beginning of every year, we should also ponder the lessons learnt in the past year since it's part of maturing into a better you.

2009 was a tough year from me as I plunged into adulthood, juggling the fact that I'm no longer a student and having to bear with reality that you can't always get what you want, or do what you want to do in life because truth is, it's not always that easy.

2010 sees me putting the horrible 2009 behind and starting over with a new job, which I have developed a love-hate relationship. But generally, I love my current job because it's exciting and there's always something new to discover and learn although there are also aspects of it in which I'm just freaking sick of.

I think the biggest lesson that I've learnt in 2010 is that sometimes, we have to learn to love what we have while searching for the things we want.
I still have things or dreams in which I'd like to pursue and although it seems far fetched, it could be closer than I think. I guess what I'm saying is, I've learned to enjoy the moment, live the moment and take things one step at a time because if I believe, my road shall lead me to where I want to head to.

2010 is a year in which I rediscover myself as a grown-up; a working adult who no longer does things by the book, and tries to adapt to the fact that the real world is harsher and a gazillion times more difficult than the marshmallow I had in college (I mean, looking back now, it does seem like a marshmallow in comparison although I swore it was hard-rock back then). Working is a whole new ball-game and I'm just beginning to tap into it. So 2010 was my first step and 2011 will see me venturing deeper into the this world and embracing all the career challenges thrust upon mini-me. To be honest, I'm very excited although I'm also very worried and skeptical about my capabilities to deal with something so huge.

Blessings in 2010:
Getting to know my great colleagues - every single one of them are exceptional individuals, whom which I've learned so much from - their experiences, their stories, their character and skills have all helped me become a better person.

SW, I consider her my personal mentor, although she does have her weaknesses (who doesn't), I've learned what is true leadership from her. I feel motivated working for her and it's a blessing to have her guide me along the way through my 9 months of working with my current company.

Learning more about my job and meeting so many different people and clients - although my clients are tough, I'm grateful because every single one of them made me stronger and tougher. I'm still careless, I still have a lot of weakness and I haven't perfected my flaws, but learning to satisfy difficult clients can be the most gratifying at times. Still a long way to go because they are still not satisfied. Could 2011 be the year?

Every single day where I can still smile and move on with live.
Every single day where I can come home and see my parents and my family.
Every single day where I get to warm up and cuddle in my bed...
Every single time my mum and dad smile at me.
Every single day of 2010 is a blessing....
My family surviving all the financial challenges thrown unto us at the beginning of 2010.

Trip of the year 2010:
Although the most awaited trip is the one with my college buddies, it wasn't the best trip of the year. The best trip was the one I went with Stef and CY because we conquered all the best eating spots in Ipoh and Penang. Had a wonderful "Bean Sprout Keuy Teau" in Ipoh, "Tau Fu Fah" at Happy Fountain before pedaling 3 more hours to Penang for a taste of Gurney Drive's famous Laksa and Fried Kuey Teau. Heavenly!!! Then it was sun-tanning and swimming in the hotel before another round of delicious hawker centre lunch to satisfy my craving for local food.

Second up was the Bukit Tinggi trip with my whole company. It was fun although I experienced car-sickness on the way up and down Bukit Tinggi. But generally it was a great trip where my and my colleagues screamed our lungs out to the songs on radio and had a chilling night at Genting.

Most enlightening experience of 2010:
Creative Writing course by BGF
I learned so much during the course, not only on writing but also to believe in dreams and never give up. Thanks Mr. P.C. Shividas for the inspiring talk; It made me believe in the power of attractive - that every step I'm taking is leading me to my goals and dreams although I do not see it in the near future, but things are pulling me there.

Most Dramatic moment 2010:
My car window got smashed while me and my colleague were waiting at the traffic lights. She was robbed off her handbag. Freaked us both out and waiting at traffic lights have never been the same again.

Funniest Moments 2010:
Too many to remember. Generally my colleagues are all goofballs and we basically just laugh about everything.

The one I can think of is the one involving Stef, Darlene and the dude-next-door fighting over a Christmas present. Was bloody hilarious I cried....

Most angry moments:
Got let down by 2 friends

Other highlights:
- Discovering Glee
- Andrew replied my birthday wish
- Bought a new phone

Best Movie 2010:
Eat Pray Love

Song of the Year:
It's impossible to name one

Hunk of the Year: Cory Monteith

Comedy of the Year: Modern Family

TV Series of the Year: Hello? Do you need to ask? GLEEE!!

I've had a great 2010 and 2011 is going to be better.
I haven't really got the time to think about my New Year resolutions and I guess this is a good time to give it some thought. New Year resolutions might sound lame and cliche, but perhaps these resolutions give us something to achieve throughout the year. We need goals....

So ya....

2011 NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS:
Enjoy and live life to the max
Work hard, set a career goal, get a promotion and earn more
Be more meticulous!
Travel at least 3 times
Must keep my movie and music blogs active!
Must try to exercise a bit more hahahaha (okay this one sounds like it's not happening already)
Must be nicer to everyone and stop judging!
Must save RM10k for my 2013 Europe backpacking trip
Must find my Cory Monteith (please come to Malaysia)

AIM FOR THE SUN (I improvised) SO THAT IF YOU FALL, YOU SHALL FALL AMONG THE STARS!

That's all folks!
This is 2011. And I smell something good. :)

With Lotsa Love
TammyC
ps: Please pray that everything is smooth-sailing on the 3rd of January. Thanks!!!!!!!!!!!!

CHAPPITY CHAP...RAPPITY RAP...MAINLY CRAP

2010-12-28T09:29:00.000-08:00

It's been too long...

I forgot how it's like to have my fingers pumped up with only pure energy, mind filled with inspiration, and have words just flowing through the fingertips to the keypads, generating lines of alphabets that expresses what I am thinking and what I wanted to say.

Time constraints make it hard for people to contribute to blogs. I wonder how some people does it. I have so many things I wanted to say in my blog but everyday, I feel drained out of energy after my day at work and multiple Facebook page checking. What a life....a life filled with nothing but just constant worries about work. But then again, it's really tough for me when I have no work to worry about. Life is about finding balance and sometimes, IT IS SO HARD TO FIND THE BALANCE!

Today is one of those off days for me; in fact, let's just say these few days.

I was all hyped up and re-energized over the weekend, but I guess my hormones got the better of me and I'm left with feeling all so down and moody, but trying to keep things going with a forced happy smile on my face. Some people might call this situation, feeling 'emo', which I totally don't get, but ya, I guess feeling 'emo' is when you suddenly feel so friggin' down and your mind only thinks of all worst possible things and just couldn't see any light. I dislike the term 'emo' but I think that doesn't fit my personality, so I guess I'll stick to the term 'hormonal-mood-swings-due-to-the-time-of-the-month'.

Symptoms:

I feel like nobody in the world likes me

I hate myself

I couldn't stand myself

I just want to sleep and do nothing

I can't think straight

I get overly sensitive about what others think or say (perhaps not even about me)

Today was another hectic day; due to lack of sleep + aunty's visit, I practically can't function after 3PM. All my emails were crappy, my tone of voice like an evil witch, which I believe made some people think that I'm a patronizing bitch and control freak woman, who just gives orders without compassion. Am I? Sigh....I hate being the freak that gives orders. I hate having to chase people and nag people about stuff....but darn, that's my job! How? And I try to say as many Thank You and Sorry for troubling as possible, but I guess that doesn't cut it, huh?

Had to deal with a 'black-faced' bulldude these two days and seriously, why do I need to take those sort of attitude? What did I do wrong? If I ask because I do not know something, does that mean I'm at fault for not being as 'smart' as you? It is really my first time and I had to ensure that things go well - so ya, you've done it multiple, or ya a gazillion times before and so, can't I be a bit agitated and on my toes on my first? I mean I had to ask and be sure and why is that a problem that deserve that arrogance on your pathetic face? I hope that this is the last time that I have to deal with that sorta attitude, because honestly....I don't know if I can take it anymore. I hate feeling stupid and useless and intimidated by people like that.

And I never understand why I'm that kinda person who cares so much about what other people think about me, when I guess, the most common sense tells us that IT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER. Today, I keep speculating how the guests would think of what I said earlier etc etc...pains my head really. On normal days, I guess I'd just say, "F it, you don't need to give a darn...", but today is not a normal day. My head wonders and ponders on the consequences of my words and actions...and do I look like a kid? Don't even get me started on me looking like a kid...Although I like it sometimes, sometimes I just HATE THAT I LOOK LIKE A KID BECAUSE I AM NEVER TAKEN SERIOUSLY AND IS ALWAYS UNDERESTIMATED.

Life is tough; which I guess is good.

I guess all I need right now on such a moody day is to chip in some time to blog and vent; and cook myself underneath my comfortable warm blanket on such a cold day. Ah....heavens.

May next week and January be better and more bearable. January 2011 is spelt HELL.

Nite folks.

May 'He' be with me.

With Lotsa Love

TammyC

HIGH HILLS

2010-11-25T09:57:00.000-08:00

Bukit Tinggi is beautiful.

Nice view. Its French-European concept reminds me of Liverpool, but less cool since we're only confined to a few metres of city space.

The only thing that freaks me out about travelling up to Bukit Tinggi is the ride and car sickness up the hill.

The rest of the trip was almost perfect.

Great place, great people, great food. Love outings like these.

It wasn't really all holiday because we had company training on the hill top as well.

We had some time for leisure (basically, just chit-chatting), but the craziest was just driving all the way up to Genting Highlands after dinner. It wasn't a bad idea although I suffered through the journey up and down haha. I love the chilly nights up in Genting; reminds me of some great times.

The worst experience, although kinda cool, was vomiting in front of Colmar Tropicale.

My colleague and I were both suffering from severe car sickness and once we got out of the car, both of us started throwing up our dinner and the Starbucks coffee we had up in Genting. Excellent but the small of our crap was phunky! Haha.

I guess part of the reason I enjoy the trip, and more and more my job is that I realized that I treat all my colleagues like part of a family. Even if it's a family with flaws and disagreement, there are happy moments spent together.

Times like these sorta make me feel that the lows in my life are all temporary because right now, I', happy with a different view of things - a happier one. I'm learning each day new things and also realizing that I can learn to love things I never knew existed. I mean, I still face the occasional challenge and is held back by procrastination, generally, I am loving what I do, I really am.

I might not say it in front of my colleagues, because I'm never comfortable expressing deep felt feelings and emotions when unnecessary...but I seriously enjoy every minute I have with them although occasionally, they bug the crap outta me haha.

It's amazing how they all managed to slowly change me into someone different - I feel for the better for myself, to see things from various perspectives and now, I'm trying to learn how to see things from a larger picture. I'm not there yet as I'm still learning every single day and if previously I said I have no job satisfaction, I have now because every single day I live with a purpose. I head to work knowing exactly what I need and what to do for the day and when unexpected things pop up, every screwing I get, anything that pulls me down...at the end of the day, most of the time taught me lessons that I truly appreciates.

I'm still quite a negative person, despite my upbeat, carefree personality...

I still lack confidence....

I have many weaknesses that I wish I could erase...

But where I am now highlights all these to me and with time, I hope that I can continue to improve and be better.

Besides home, my office is another place I feel that I belong - my second home.

And honestly, how many can say that.

Overtime, the struggles and pains and challenges and scoldings I got from my bosses and clients, all these are experiences that I will never forget.

And as I move along, I realized how much they all mean to me. We are like a family; each with our own personality and uniqueness, and that makes the team special.

I'm amazed that people can argue and disagree with each other and then reconcile as if nothing happened. I always believe that a good and strong team consists of people who can deal with each other on a daily basis, despite disagreements and arguments. And I guess I'm privileged to be part of such a team.

I'm also very blessed to know that I'm working with people who cares for me.

I hope I'm not a victim of the "plastics"; many people say I'm naive and gullible and tend to trust people too easily, but I sincerely feel that they all truly care for me.

That being said, nothing lasts forever. Roses wither. Our bed of roses could just fade into a pile of dead petals.

People change. Perhaps one day, we can't stand each other anymore and just have to move on.

But at this very moment, I'll preserve the happy memories we had - the good times we all spend together as a team, as friends, as a family consisting of Mamasan, Papasan, seniors and aunties hahaha. :)

I'm a person who always go with wind.

I've things I've always wanted to do for myself, but I guess, there are also things that other people do for me and for that, worth the sacrifice.

Will remember the crazy 'pops', the Glees, the sing-along song sessions, the gossips about whatever crap there is that's none of our business
(My two kakis at work, my days will be a tad duller without them)

Will remember my lovely, loud and funny 'mamasan' a.k.a. female boss a.k.a. the big big sister I never had
(Swear words never come out so funny)

Will remember the serious but also goofy BIG boss who sometimes remind me of my dad
(Better say the brother I never had to avoid a pay-cut, in case anyone comes across this)

My senior...the seniorita in white...

Bubble (dog in the bag)

The partly dysfunctional family

and

Sheerry, our accounts lady who has yet to take a photo with me. :)

With Lotsa Love,

TammyC

Tiny booth and holding hands

2010-11-24T03:38:00.001-08:00

Everyday as I walk out from my condo's entrance, i'd see a security guard guarding the housing area opposite our condo. Most of the time, he attracts my attention. If u r guessing that i'm rambling again abt another hottie, then u r wrong. He attracts my attention because of his relationship with his son. Every morning and sometimes after work, depending on his shift, i'm blessed with a sight of warm love between a father and a son. I remember once, his son was singing with him inside the tiny security booth. Aww that is one of the sweetest moments i've witnessed. Sometimes, I see both of them holding hands, walking down the slope, perhaps heading home. I think to myself, both of them must be the happiest people alive. I guess sometimes we define happiness with material items, but I truly believe that the happiest moments can only be defined by spending time and being with the people u love and care abt the most. Our happiness when we buy a prada or gucci last only perhaps until the time we want a new louis vuitton. But time spent with someone we love preserve itself in the form of memories. I believe that little boy will grow up with fond memories of him and his daddy in the booth and holding his daddy's big hands as they head home after daddy's long tiring day. No offense but I dun think the father and son are extremely rich, but I have a strong feeling that they are extremely happy and contented. I guess sometimes, that's also the thing that matters most. And i'm glad that I too have had some really fond memories with my parents. I'm blessed. With lotsa love, TammyC

OVER THE YEARS

2010-11-20T08:17:00.000-08:00

I realized that kids grow up different from how they used to be when they are little I guess.

Looking back, I wasn't the same 7-year-old kid back then.

I've become more outspoken and talkative as compared to a shy me back then.

It's amazing how people change through the years.

I've come to conclude that the people I meet throughout my life and circumstances around me made me who I am today - good or bad, I'm moulded and shaped by the people I encounter and perhaps sometimes, what I went through.

Every single person I meet in my life have taught me something, whether I love or dislike, I believe I got something out of that relationship.

I'm happy these few days because I realized that, I can say now that although my life is kinda stressful, I'm beginning to get used to it and I can actually say, I kinda like what I'm doing.

I am once again happy and contented with life.

People change.

When I see naughty, stubborn and rude kids, I wonder if that's what they'll be like in 5 years time.

You could be surprised. They might turn over 180 degrees. This is a personal experience - not me, but someone close to me.

You don't know what happened, or who changed them, but they just became such a lovable kid as they grow up.

So I guess we should never hold grudges (easy to say, hard to do), because the person we know now, might be different the next time you see them.

But then again, if the person continue to suck, by all means, boycott them.

That is all.

With Lotsa Love,
TammyC

I'VE FALLEN IN LOVE AGAIN WITH HOLIDAYS

2010-11-07T08:54:00.000-08:00

There are different types of trips and I guess before you sign up for any, you need to make sure you know exactly which type you sign up for.

Here are the few types of trips that I've identified:

Family trips:- The whole family, mum and dad, sis and bro are all involved. Some bigger family trips involve even aunts and uncles. Basically, the objective of this trip is to strengthen family ties. I used to join loads of these trips when I was younger. I guess it's time to plan for another family trip soon.

Couple trips:- The most romantic type of trip where a boy and girl, girl and girl or guy and guy hangs out together. The duo could be dating, married or just friends but the couple trip is basically just for two people. But if you ask me, couple trips cater for 2 romantically inclined souls. So usually during couple trips, couples become intimate and their relationship should grow stronger. Best spots for couple trips would be beaches and romantic spots, but then of course it depends on the couple. One thing I know for sure is that, if you are single, NEVER EVER PARTICIPATE IN A COUPLE TRIP because "WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO BE A LIGHTBULB?"

Girls' trips:- This is a trip where all the single ladies would join just to have a good girl time. This is the trip where a bunch of girl friends can hang out, let their hair down, set yourself loose and perhaps forget about boys. It's a feel good trip where you just chill and do things girls love doing...Oh well, perhaps if one of them gets lucky, you could help be a wing man to set her up too..

Gang trip:- A bunch of students hanging out and just having a blast. This is a trip where a group of friends go wild and crazy. Usually extremely fun! It is most common for college/university students to organize gang trips and it is very fun because during this stage, you are young, free and adventurous - so the whole bunch would do crazy things and tryout cool stuff.

Solitary trips:- For those who just want to spend some time alone and get away from others or the world around you. I've yet tried out solitary trips but I think I'm going to need one real soon. Sometimes, I guess I just need a break from everyone, from everything around me - I just want to be alone with the beach. Go to a place where no one knows me....just me.

I've been to all of the trips above, except the solitary trips.

Every single one of them special and fun, in their own ways, although on the couple trip, I learned that I was the brightest lightbulb ever.

I had a blast over the weekend to Ipoh and Penang - one of the best trips ever!!

I satisfied my taste buds by eating the best Penang and Ipoh food.

I got to relaxed by the beach.

Life was great 2 days ago.

I realized that holiday is mandatory because it helps rejuvenate and escape from the hustle and bustle of life. I think life is most of the time stressful and sometimes, you feel that it's meaningless, but I guess that going for holidays help you escape the harsh reality that work life brings you...it's like you've flown away to fantasy land or something, where there is just nothing worth worrying about.

It's like I've forgotten how great holidays feel.

I've fallen in love again with holidays.

With Lotsa Love,

TammyC

Looking forward to the next relaxing holiday

PENANG-IPOH YEAH!

2010-11-05T09:45:00.000-07:00

Woohoo!

Finally a holiday that I can shout happily about!

Am currently in Penang with my boss and colleague; it really is a girls' trip - just us, food and the beach!

Went to Gurney Drive and I'm soooooooooo happy.

Every time I set foot on this island, it is compulsory that I visit Gurney Drive to savour the food. I really love the food there and I don't understand why over the years, people find that place uninteresting. I mean, I can never get enough of Gurney Drive - the atmosphere, the colours and sounds of the place and the variety of food glaring in front of me, seducing me into trying out each and every single dish served. It is Penang's identity. If one missed

Started off our trip at around 10am and we dropped by Ipoh (my hometown) for a taste of some infamous steamed chicken and kuey teow. So ya, NEVER LEAVE IPOH without trying the steamed chicken, bean sprouts & kuey teow. As an Ipoh girl, I've never really appreciated the steamed chicken, the bean sprouts & kuey teow, and never really thought about how easily accessible these dishes were until I moved to KL. Now, imagine, I'd actually drive almost 3 hours just to get a taste of that when previously, it was just a 15 min drive away. I should have stocked more in my stomach to last me 30 years.

Anyway, I've never seen the place that packed before. It is amazing and an eye-opener for me. Most of the people who dined in the restaurant were from KL, (most of the car plates indicated KL-Lites). It's amazing really to know that many many many people make road-trips down to Ipoh just for a taste of delicious.

Haha.

So after a heavy lunch, we still made way for some dessert and Funny Mountain for some Soya Bean drink and "Taufu fah" (Taufu with sweet syrup - one famous local dessert).

My God, brings back loads of memories.

This place called "Funny Mountain" has been operating for years and has been serving the best Taufu fah in Ipoh. The best is that it is drive-through. Basically, you park your car by the roadside, and then there will be a waiter getting your orders. They'll send over your orders and you can just enjoy your dessert in the comfort of your car.

It was my dad's favourite place - we use to go there every week.

This trip back, really brought back memories of those good old days where daddy drove us around town every Sunday for lunch; except now, I'm all grown up and driving a car!!

After a satisfying lunch, it was time to conquer Penang!!!!

When we reached, we head straight to Gurney Drive and I am so happy that I found the taste of Laksa that I've been searching for! Honestly, why would anyone say that Gurney Drive's food is not nice?

So after Gurney Drive, we are faced with the challenge of locating our hotel.

We know it's along the main road of Batu Feringgi - but had no idea where exactly. So up we drove, swerving the twist and turns of the long and winding road and finally............we made it!!!!!!

The place is gorgeous...simple with a Japanese touch.

I love that it's so near the beach.

It's perfect for relaxation, and that's just what we need - to get our minds off work and just focus on having loads of fun that is not tiring.

I guess I love an escapade like this - just myself and a few close friends.

Nothing else.

Perfect.

Sometimes the simplest things in life makes you the happiest.

With Lotsa Love,

TammyC

ps: Saw a lot of cute guys here man, but all unavailable...why? :P

I WAS ROBBED OFF MY WINDOW

2010-10-31T10:36:00.000-07:00

It was a scary experience that I think is worth sharing.

It was my first time and it scarred me.

I knew the world is becoming a more and more dangerous place to live in but never really knew how scared one could be living in the world until 2 days ago, when my colleague was robbed off her bag, with both of us in the car.

I admit that I was never the most careful person on Earth - my bag is usually dangling carelessly around my arms unzipped, I'd be playing with my phone in the car, talking on my phone while crossing the roads etc...I guess although I know these are dangerous habits, I never really thought about changing them.

That day my colleague and I were in my car, heading towards town.

We stopped at the traffic lights and suddenly a motorcycle stopped next to my vehicle. Before I knew what was happening, my windows were smashed and the pillion grabbed my colleague's handbag from her lap.

I remember looking into that evil, heartless dude's face as he broke my window into pieces of glass.

I remember the cracks of the shattering window.

I remember my colleague sobbing next to me as she screamed for her bag.

I remember myself feeling cold and scared, unable to think of what to do next.

It was so surreal.

This is the first that I ever wished that that someone will suffer the wrath of hell, the torture of pain.

I never wished for anyone to go through such suffering but these set of thieves deserve the worst.

I wouldn't be as mad if they stole my things secretly, leaving everyone emotionally and physically unscathed. But the fact that they broke my car window and robbed my colleague in broad daylight, in front of us makes them real a**es (excuse my language). The injected fear in people and effected people emotionally.

From this experience, I believe that we should all NOT put our handbags on our laps as it makes us easy targets. I'm so scared now that I tend to hide everything. I'm even scared to sit by the window at times.

Seriously...

This is a messed up world.

I'm worried that one day I won't know what being safe means anymore.

With Lotsa Love

TammyC

TO LOVE OR NOT

2010-10-27T09:08:00.000-07:00

To not be able to be with someone you love , or to never have felt real love before...

Which one would you prefer?

Two stories,

One my own...

And another, told from my point of view.

I've seen people falling in love, getting into a relationship, and I've seen couples fall out of love.

Tough...

The sad truth is, people change and love seldom last forever.

But I guess real love does.

I've been single for 23 years, I guess you can say, the whole of my life.

When I was in my teens, I never thought about loneliness because the truth is, I'm blessed with love from friends and family. Never before I felt the need to have a man or a partner to understand me or something like that because I've so many partners in the form of family and friends.

As I grew older, and ventured into college life, I still was not pressured to find someone in my life because again, my mission was to complete my studies and do well. I mean, if it's destined that I'll meet someone, I wouldn't fight it,but then, I'm not the desperate type who insist of finding any float just so I can hang on to something and look like I'm swimming.

Now that I hit 23 and with practically everyone around me in a relationship, can I still say the same?

Mum has been pressuring, aunts and uncles asking....

"It's time...", they say.

But how would they know? Because I don't.

I haven't found that person who got me going head over heels and confident that he is the one I want to spend with the rest of my life.

I think finding your love is more than just going to pubs, clubs and bars and then dive into a relationship based on what...looks? sexual attractions?

Or just going out there to hang on to someone just because you need to at least have someone to hold...those are temporary ...it will hurt when it ends someday...

It seems like it helps you get over the moment, but I guess what follows is a series of guilt and regrets.

Am I pressured...well, to a certain extend yes...

But am I going to just settle with anyone just because of that...no.

I don't want to get hurt and I don't want to hurt others.

Until I feel secure with a person, I think there;s no way I'm surrendering.

There are no guarantees, because love doesn't last forever.

But...why can some people make it?

Why can I see two white haired couple holding hands in parks, telling each other tales, and the look in their eyes still full of admiration for each other...

What did they did right that Hollywood couples failed to do?

I think what they did is understand that love is about accepting each other for who they are, and accepting the weakness of that person and learn to love it, not so much change it, although sometimes, a good partner can change you to a better person. I think strong relationship is based on respect, as well as trust, but most important is undying love. A strong relationship is when your partner is family - to an extend where divorce is not even possible, not even an option (you won't see yourself divorcing your mother/father, would you?)

Perhaps I have an ideal vision of how my relationship would be and perhaps it won't turn out the way I thought. No matter how certain you are, there's always some things that could happen, and could change everything.

But I believe, and hope that one day, I'll find a person who would have almost the same thoughts as me and accept all my weaknesses from day 1, till the day of my last breath.

The story above leads me to the fact that I've never really loved someone before.

Oh of course there were times in which I had crushes, but those were infatuation that lasted for merely few months, longest perhaps 2 years.

I guess it is a feeling that would fade away through time...to be honest, could that infatuation flamed to be love through time? I don't know. But none happened for me. Mine all turned into ashes...

How do I differentiate love and crush? I don't know.

So if I've never really loved someone, I won't know how it feels like to love, to sacrifice all I got for that person...and believe me, I really want to feel that feeling of selflessness, which I've yet feel.

I think I've been selfish all my life, I've always loved myself more than others...

I really want to find someone that I'd happily put him before myself...

Over the weekend, I understand that love can't be forced.

It's a sad thing that one person just cannot love you back. It's unfair but feelings can't be forced. That's the sad truth.

I'm torn in between two friends whom I cared about dearly.

What happened between them is a case where one tangoed while the other tried, but can't. Tried...but can't.

At the end of the day, do you feel blessed that you've loved someone and learned to let go, or would you rather have not loved before.

I do not know which is better...

To have loved, or to never have felt real love before..

But then again, how do one define.

With Lotsa Love,

TammyC

WALLS THAT FELL ON ME

2010-10-17T10:19:00.000-07:00

If you push the walls down on me

I'll shield myself

But if someone shields me from the walls,

I will stand up and push the walls away from that person.

So don't you try to demolish the wall on me

I'll be defensive

That's second nature

A destroyer

Not a builder

Dilapidating spirits

You push people down

Have strengths

But I can't take the weakness

I struggling through the debris of the collapse

The misunderstanding that fell upon me

It was misinterpreted

But can never be right

Different definition of taking the front role

You don't mold

Or unfold what's hidden

You bring out the worst

No respect for someone

Who butchers me...

Who doesn't tell me that the wall built is not strong

Who only tell me when it's about to collapse

And helps by pushing those bricks on me

Am I supposed to know how to build a fort?

Yes, I guess

Disappointment..

At myself

For not knowing

I don't have to take all these

If it's not for integrity and dignity

For family

For I want to take the challenge

The only great thing is that I shall get up

Find my way out beneath the heap of rocky remnants of the ruins

Use my delicate hands to wade through

My hands shall be roughen by the rocks

But I will make it through

I'll learn to build the next fort...

And then a castle

And try to make sure that they don't fall

And perhaps,
I'll do it my way

With Lotsa Love

TammyC

TALK ABOUT RANDOM

2010-10-12T08:57:00.000-07:00

Challenge: Feel like I can't move on with the hardship that I'm facing. I feel week and useless. Feel like evading but I know I need to push through it.

Glee: One thing I look forward to every week now to keep my mind off things.

Supernatural: It's been so long since I last watch it.

TV series: It takes up a lot of your time and you get lazy, neglecting a lot of things you need to do.

Mercedes Jones: If you don't know her, she is a character in Glee. She can sing!

Dreams: Sometimes they just seem so far away and unreachable. Sometimes, dreams are what gets you living.

Jensen Ackles: Is still hot.

Entrepreneurship: I am still trying to find the business side of me; I don't know when or whether or not it's there, but we'll see when it comes.

Travel: What I want to do for life!

Counting the days...
I'm going back to where I belong. :)

Talk about random.

With Lotsa Love
Tammy

FAILURE TO LAUNCH

2010-10-06T10:55:00.000-07:00

Going through another insecure rough patch.

I guess I'm never the type who keeps happy memories in record. I only write when I'm sad.

I guess I just need a channel to vent and perhaps I do not feel comfortable sharing with anyone, except oh well, a blank sheet of blog post, waiting to be emotionally filled up.

On the surface, it seems that I am a person who has many people around me...

Perhaps it's true but how can one feel so alone when there are actually so many people who cares for me?

I guess I'm one selfish b**** who is never really contented.

I shall be grateful and I am trying to look at everything more positively.

Lately, I've been managing a client and to be honest, I think I'm doing a pretty lousy job.

I always have an excuse and that is probably my biggest weakness - my excuse: "I hate organizing other people's lives!"

It's not want I love to do because I can barely manage my own life and now I'm handling other people; planning their projects and making certain that things are executed on schedule. But like I said, it is my excuse of not doing a good job and I know it and I think I am really disappointed in myself for constantly trying to escape.

But what disappoints me most is my own inability to be more analytical. My client pointed out to me that he doesn't need someone who just execute things without giving a more in-depth thought into the purpose or the objective of the actions. You know what, no matter how I want to defend myself, I think he is right....

I used to be proud that I can watch a movie and analyze the themes and elements. It is a passion of mine to do film analysis and just study the messages conveyed in a film. It interests me beyond explanation. I used to be excited to get film assignments...it was my passion and still is. No matter how challenging the film is, or how boring, it doesn't feel like a task to research it.

But now...I don't even have the time to watch movies, let alone churn out energy to write about movies.

Ain't it sad? And I haven't even watched enough movies and films to be deemed as a good film critic yet.

All I'm saying is...

I want to be more analytical!!!

At work, I also get very defensive most of the time with my big boss, mainly because sometimes, I just don't like being challenged. I personally feel really bad but I really don't know who I can confide in.

On top of that, I'm trying to cope with stress and I guess, me shouting back at my boss the other day made me look really bad, although I don't think I'm completely at fault.

I've been with my company for about more than 6 months now and I guess more is expected of me. Sadly, even I am disappointed with myself and thus, how can I expect others to actually have faith in me?

Driving in positive thoughts into my mind is not easy at all and they say that we need to think positive to attract the positive energy.

Honestly, I think I'm a failure right now and I'm trying so so hard to bounce back.

I wish I could do something to proof to myself that I am of value and is worth living in this world known as employment and job but til now, I'm still struggling.

On a more positive note, I remind myself that this is a learning curve, a process that I (and perhaps everyone else) will have to go through in order to mature into a butterfly.

But it's really a painful process because it erodes your confidence and to fight that feeling and stand on solid ground again...it's really difficult. I guess it's never easy breaking out of the cocoon.

I regret a lot of things that I've said and done...

I never regretted things that I did before until I started working.

I used to be sure of life

But now I'm undone.

I guess I was naive back then...

Still quite naive now.

I just need that strength to stand up again...

With Lotsa Love

TammyC

Tomorrow is a new day

I shall learn to live the moment and enjoy the happy

DEMOTIVATED

2010-10-03T10:41:00.000-07:00

I guess I have a weird kind of stress these few days after scolding my boss and screwing up a project.
Bloody idiot~!
I am really lost at what I'm doing to be honest.

As a person who has grown up to be famous for being messy and disorganized, I always laugh at myself for ending up in a job that requires organization skills for others.
Sad truth is, sometimes I find it hard organizing my own life and now I have to help other people get their things organized and on schedule.
I've been clueless many times and these few days, I'm not only clueless in life, but also in what I'm doing.
Sigh...

But I guess the saying that "If you think you have to know everything before you start, you are obviously clueless" is quite true to a certain extend.
We will never get started if we want to know all about something before we start because the truth is, we can never know everything if we don't start. Besides, there is always things to learn.

I think that I'm getting demotivated and very lazy these few days because I do not know what to do and how to proceed with things.
I hate that feeling. I hate feeling lazy and clueless. It makes me procrastinate.

I think I will have to start pushing myself further, get motivated or something.
How? I really don't know.
I am still dwelling on that day, last week, whereby I screwed up.

Some people I don't get and I guess, will not get.

Oh God help me go through this road bump. The car is not moving...

With Lotsa Love
TammyC
May this week be a new one with a smoother road.

CHANGE

2010-09-23T10:18:00.000-07:00

They say that it's difficult dealing with changes.

Oh so true.

These few days, I feel that I've been bombarded with changes...

Changes in life, the things and people around me...

I've come to realize again the sad truth that everything is only temporary, even good things.

Before we know it, the soft bed of roses decays into what's left if not only the thorny stems before the buds bloom again...God knows when.

When things turn rosy again, I always wish that it could last forever. But who am I kidding, it's a bed of roses, not a bed of fake roses.

Within a few weeks, I suddenly felt that I've lost everything of meaning to me.

Perhaps I've fail to look at the positive, but I feel that things were not the same again and there's a hollowness inside.

It wasn't as I thought it would be or was anymore...and it's hurting in a weird sorta insecure way.

I've felt alone before, like perhaps no one understands me anymore.

I feel that perhaps, my presence is not needed. I feel that perhaps, I could just go....

Run far away where no one knows me, so that I could just start again and this time, just observe.

I hate feeling like you have so many people around you, and yet, there's nobody.

I think I'm fooling myself if I believe that there's someone out there who gets me more than I get myself....how naive........

I feel like I've lost grasp on things I love most.

Perhaps that's why I feel companies slipping away and loneliness seeping in.

Maybe I've also changed in ways I don't know.

I guess memories are something that we try to hold on to but perhaps can never fully do.

It fades with time...only the best memories last, but we can never relive because it will never be the same again no matter what we tell ourselves.

It can be the same place, or same person, or same object...but it will never be the same time and definitely, won't be the same moment because every moment gives you a different feeling. You feel different mainly because of....

Change..........

Inevitable, change....

Like Carrie Underwood says in her song...

"This is my temporary home..."

One day, I'll find eternal happiness, and not loneliness.

For now, I'll do what I do best...

"Smile"

But then again, perhaps I've changed......

With Lotsa Love

TammyC

TEMPERAMENTS

2010-09-10T12:23:00.000-07:00

Should learn to control my temper sometimes and perhaps learn a more diplomatic approach to express discontentment.

I thought that I'm generally a patient person but when I'm super exhausted, really can't help but get really defensive and all heated up over certain things or matter that I don't see eye-to-eye on.

Events drive me crazy sometimes, but I love it!

The downside is that I get super tired and drained and perhaps that's when I get agitated easy.

Rudely slammed someone for unfairly criticizing my work.

Though on hindsight, the person doesn't deserved to receive such treatment because, oh well, the person is older and more experienced, I still feel that there is nothing wrong defending myself in that situation because it is pretty obvious that I was unfairly treated. I'm glad to have the support of one of my colleague who stood up for me...But I admit it was wrong for such a tone. :(

I'm not perfect, I admit...

I take positive criticism if the critic is justifiable and reasonable.

But when you judge me unfairly, I can't help but feel really angry...especially when it is partly your fault that affects other people's performance.

I believe in team work, although there are also things that should be done individually.

But we are somehow divided.

Feels like I'm alone...left out and casted aside with my own crap to deal with. I know it's not only me feeling that way. And there and then, you tried to segregate us even more.

I feel the need to stand out but then again, can I? Perhaps I can't...

Feel the need to fit into a place in which, perhaps, I don't belong in anymore.

Time to move on? I don't know.

I'm very happy with the people I'm working with, but sadly, not literally working with because we have our own stuff to do.

It's okay...

It will pass. That feeling of loneliness...of being lost in the middle of something you don't understand or know anymore...

For now, I'm just taking it in day by day, coping with everything - from insecurities to inferiority to stupidity and naivety...

Randomness....

Pimples: Killing me! I mean, it is bad enough that I look super ridiculous and ugly with that red spot stuck on my face, but to have it sting and itch makes me want to just cut the pimple off, (yes, literally just cut the pimple off with a scissors or something!)

Blood: Drops are better then puddles...

Headache: Might be getting one soon...

Insecure: That's what I'm feeling now and it's sickening because it turns me into a monster with a devilish heart...

Gareth Gates: Suddenly his song pops up on my playlist and here I am...writing about him.

Beauty: Currently only Cheryl Burke pops up in my head

I shall leave you with a quote: "Be Patient and Tough, Someday this pain will be useful to you" (How? Don't know, don't ask)

With Lotsa Love,
tammyc

NING, NEW PHONE & MORE STRESS

2010-09-05T11:05:00.000-07:00

Can you believe that I've practically lost all brain cells to actually write a proper blog post?

I've lost all inspiration and I do not know what to write about, except to complain.

Sigh...

Well, that's the sickening fact of human life I guess. We will never be completely happy...

Loads have happened since I last wrote.
I feel so bad that I'm not in pursuit of what I love to do best - write. These days, whenever I have the time, I'd rather go on Facebook and waste every minute of my life there but not take some time to at least update my blogs on what is going on....my blog is like my journal, but lately, it has too many missing pieces...

But let me try to wrap it all up...

Bye NING!

Last week saw me bidding goodbye to Huey Ning, a sweet girl I met from National Service.
She is off to Leicester for her studies and basically, I won't be seeing her for another 7 years. If lucky, perhaps I'll see her when she comes back to visit every 2 years.
In some ways I'm jealous that she gets to spend 7 years in UK, but well, what do I know, I only see the good in staying overseas...I don't know about the negative yet because my 3 month stay in Liverpool has been a bliss.
I can only wish Ning all the best and may her stay over there will be filled with as much joy as mine in Liverpool. Hopefully, she'll meet someone as cute as Andrew and she'll be less lonely.

NEW PHONE

I was so stressed up 2 days ago I had to splurge on something. So without fully utilizing my brains, I bought a new pink phone. Oh well, I've been planning to get a new phone since 2 months back but I guess I didn't plan to spend almost RM1000 for it. Also, it wasn't the model I wanted and honestly, the one I got now is not worth RM 1000. Sigh...oh well, I wanted something new to cheer me up so badly that I just couldn't care less anymore. Very typical of me...sometimes to not think before I do things just because my heart feels like it. Stupid some might say, but oh well, it did cheer me up...

Though after a while, I bet my heart will ache for the extra RM 200 spent on my new beautiful pink phone...

STRESS AT WORK

There's always going to be stress at work. You stress when there's nothing to do and you stress when there is a lot to do. You also stress when you know you have loads to do but you don't know what you need to do or have to do just because you don't know how to do.

These few days have been rough because the work is piling in and we can't take things for granted anymore. I guess again, I'm in this clueless position of what to do and where to begin.

Perhaps I should be more positive...Life is not about knowing everything but rather learning what you can. So not knowing is a good sign, isn't it?

Everyone at work is struggling with their own projects and this weekend was one filled with tension and stress.

Just hope that Monday will be a better day.

Of course, I'm also coping with my own project and like I said, still clueless but trying to get a hang of it.

Seriously, right now I don't even care if there's any careless grammatical errors or spelling errors in this posting because these days, I feel like in everything I do, I have to follow the rules and formality of writing.

I don't care. This is my own blog!

I'm going to let the words in my mind just casually flow through my fingertips. So what if I'm crapping and not making any sense...It's my life and in some places, I want to choose how to live it.

Going to fake it again tomorrow.

Oh boy, I just wish I could run away and just holiday till the end of my days....

With Lotsa Love,

Tammyc

ORDINARY PEOPLE

2010-08-19T08:56:00.000-07:00

People...

Contestants of Big Brother UK..(2009)

Experiencing human social behaviour experiment

Sees the clashing of different human personalities and backgrounds

Friendships and enemies were made

Fans and hate mails awaits

All kinds of people with all types of personalities, beliefs and attitudes.

Sometimes, you just wonder why there are people you can get along with, and people you just can't seem to tolerate.

As much as I love studying and observing people, I still find it hard to like everyone and I believe, not everyone likes me. I just hope that most people do, I guess.

But I find the relations between people very interesting.

There are people whom you know you'll click from the moment you meet them.

There are people whom you really dislike at first, and later learn to kind of like them.

There are people whom you never thought you'll click with but then end up super close.

There are people whom you think you'll like, but at the end of the day, can't get along.

And of course, there are people who, from the sight of it, you know you are not born to be in the same gang or and you don't even want to be related to them through speech.

And then, there are people who's personality clashes completely with yours but you can still get along super well with them because they compliments you. But then in some cases, there are some people's who's personalities are different from you and they just get on your nerves so bad that you just want to pull that nerve out. (Dramatic visual description that metaphorically describes the pain).

Deny it if you want, but we are sadly divided into our own cliques in our own ways.

We are connected with each other in different ways; for example, if we like the same things or have the same interest - we click. If we've been through the same experiences, we understand each other and thus, we can click. If we behave the same way, we click.

I don't condone outcasting or boycotting people but then there are times in which it is hard to get someone who obviously don't belong to fit in the group. I do not criticize that person but then, I believe that that person just am waiting for his/her own group that completes him/her. However, if that person is a total complete utter jerk, then excuse me for being a tad cruel and harsh. It is 90% ignoring that person and 10% depending on my mood.

In my personal opinion, working on the most screwing assignments or any other tough projects are solid tests of whether or not you can stand a particular person. It also shows how strong all of you are as a team. If you can endure a person for the whole duration of the project and at the end of the project, still fond of that person, your friendship with that person can go miles long. If halfway through, you go through a bitter argument which left the two parties sour forever, oh well, I guess that's it for you then.

I remember clearly til today our team for our Final Year Project, our short film production. I think that period has clearly indicated to me who are the people I can bear with and who I can't. But I am honestly very happy that most I have great team mates whose style of working compliments mine.

I believe even for couples, you need to go through hardship together to test your love. If you can wade through a series of misfortunes, I believe that relationship is 90% secured with a tight love bond.

I guess although God say we are all brothers, there are still brothers that we can't seem to understand because everyone has their own thoughts and their own way of behaving. My policy is to ignore and disregard people whom I choose to disagree with or who doesn't share a chemistry with me (for many various reasons) but then I guess it's not always the right thing to do. Sometimes, you just can't do that, and it is very unfortunate. In worst case scenarios, you have to fake liking a person, in which, to date, I find it really hard to do. Nothing is easy in life ya, including faking it. But again, I'm glad that most people around me are likable and for now, there are still a very small amount of people whom I need to fake favouritism.

But then when you are fake, people criticize you but then you kind of have to do it in this world, right?

I'll conclude that it is not easy dealing with people, but I guess that is part of where the fun is - to deal with different characters who have so many different ways of thinking. There are so many things that we can explore. At the end of the day, I'd say that humans are the same but yet so very different at the same time. Studying people is part of my interest but at the same time, I think learning how to accept people I'm not so fond of and manipulating them into someone I like is a more positive lesson. Or perhaps, I'll just stick with my way of dealing with them - ignore.

That's my random thought on people and human relations.

Learning to cope with a sea of personalities that range from the north pole to south pole.

Nobody is liked by everybody and that's just painful.

I wish I could be one of those who loves everyone. Then life would be much easier and simpler. :)

With Lotsa Love

TammyC

Out and down with flu

BLESSED BIRTHDAY

2010-08-11T10:12:00.000-07:00

As I ponder upon the last 24 hours, I feel that the pain and sorrow more than half a year ago evaporating into thin air.

I remembered being as low as can be on the rollercoaster of life, but at this moment, in which I shall capture, is me being at the highest peak, looking down, gleaming and beaming at how wonderful and blessed my life is.

Last year I was surprised by my friends in Liverpool and this year, I was given another surprise by my colleagues!

I am very touched knowing that there are so many people out there who cared for me and would take the trouble to make my day a special one. Sometimes, just a simple wish can light up my day but when people go the extra mile for you, I guess it makes me feel even more grateful.

Once again, I can't say this enough, thanks to everyone who has made my 23rd birthday another very special one.

Lunch at TGI was raelly nice but I just wasn't sporting enough and so...I just don't like being put on the spot like that man! It's been so long since I have such delicious steak! I love steak!!!

And I got flowers! I'm very happy because I can finally show off! Hahaha!! Well forgive me because I've never received flowers before okay! I got one (yes, one sunflower, which I really love btw) once for graduation. and that's all.

Dinner at a Japanese restaurant was also friggin' awesome because I love Japanese food too!

I felt super guilty though because it costs my friends a bomb! Argh...i feel really bad!! I think I'll settle for mediocrity next time. I know I'll have a great time with these bunch of people no matter what since they are all awesome!

So ya, birthdays are a reminder that you are getting older each day...but it is a wonderful day because it makes you feel grateful that you are still alive and happy, and a reminder that you have family and friends around you that love and care for you. It is moments like these that make life worthwhile sometimes, and it makes you feel that, whatever sorrows and sadness you have in the past, are just part and parcel because at the end of the day, someone out there is watching over me, through the love of the people around me.

I'm blessed and I know that.

I just need to constantly remind myself. :)

With lotsa love

Tammy

JOURNEY TO THE EAST

2010-08-03T09:54:00.000-07:00

It was generally a nice trip to Kuching.

There were ups and downs moment there but I think I want to imprint the happy ones.

The first day was pretty rush and I almost missed the flight.

Work-related trips are usually rush and you don't get much time for yourself.

But I'm glad that at night, after dinner, I got to spend some time with two great people who I don't call client.

There are great clients whom you enjoy working with and there are clients who stress you out and this trip was sponsored by one of the latter clients. So basically, I have to be on my toes almost 24-7. Thus, I was ecstatic when I got a break after dinner, and although suffering from a terrible headache, I decided to freshen up by taking a hot hot bath and then shoving Panadols down my throat to make sure I make the best out of this otherwise, torturous trip.

You see, I have a feeling that my clients don't really like me, and it's really hard coping in situations where you are clearly disliked. Faking smiles is basically what I've learned to do.

Anyway so I was brought by two lovely people to a place where we ate 'Kuo Chip Pan Tiau'...okay I still have trouble pronouncing it and I got a few laughs when I tried to work on the pronunciation.

But for your information, it directly translates into Ketchup Kuey Teau, which is something we don't get in Peninsular Malaysia.

So we went to this place, if I'm not mistaken, they call it the "Open Market" and I tasted for the first time the infamous Ketchup Kuey Teau. Now I believe it is supposed to be more Ketchup-y haha but it was really not bad. It is like what we in the West call "Wat tan hor", or if directly translated, egg white noodles. And the drink was heavenly! It was green apple mixed with lime and it was superbly delicious. I think the word 'heavenly' aptly describes the drink because one sip and I felt refreshingly alive ....

Keo Chip Pan tiaw

There are some other really special food/delicacies in Sarawak that we don't find in West Malaysia. They have a special kinda fern they eat as vegetables. By the way, just so you know, these plants are nurtured by the drains...eww...(I just found out today and I've been happily enjoying it at that time). I'm actually pretty surprised that we can't find those in Malaysia as I thought that globalization would have brought those dishes over seas to our side of Malaysia.

So after food, Wendy, our journalist friend drove me around Kuching and saw me all the cat statues there was around the Cat city. And we had a few laughs in the car. That night was awesome! Seriously, it is great people like these that truly made my day. Though super tired, I still had a blast! My whole trip to Sarawak was cheered up by that sweet memory.

There were more cat statues but my camera disappointed me

The next day however, was a complete hustle and filled with stress!

I almost lost it.

But I'm so thankful to my journalist friend, Wendy for going all the way to buy me a cup of delicious iced coffee! I then found out that the coffee is bought from somewhere very far away and she had purposely took a trip there to get it for me and my boss. I'm really touched by such nice gestures and hospitality. Seriously, Wendy had made the whole Kuching trip a more cheery one that is worth remembering. If it wasn't for Wendy and my boss, I think I could have died of depression and stress over there.

But generally it was a great trip to Sarawak.

Many of my firsts happened that week.

1st trip to Sarawak

1st trip to East Malaysia

1st time on Air Asia (it really isn't as bad as many had claimed; in fact I find it a very comfortable journey).

1st time eating Keo Chip Pan Teaw

1st time eating a type of weird fern planted near the drains......

SO ya...was pretty exciting and memorable.

Wendy (by the window) and Stef (on the chair) - both gave me something wonderful to bring back to KL...fun memories

Will I visit Kuching again?

Most definitely but the next time, I'll go there light-heartedly and will lose all the burdens I had to carry with me.

Till next time....

Cheers...

P/s: Yesterday (Today in Liverpool) is Andrew's birthday.

I felt so happy when he replied my birthday wish...call me crazy, but I don't know why I get overjoyed over a few lines. Oh well, maybe because they are typed by Andrew. =P

Once again, Happy 30th birthday Andrew Upton!!

With Lotsa Love

TammyC

Will share pictures soon...

COPING WITH DISLIKES

2010-07-26T10:15:00.000-07:00

Going to be a busy week this and next.

I have come to a realization that I complain a lot - good or bad and really, I think I should learn to be more grateful and embrace the things around me.

I had a fantastic weekend; caught up with some friends and got to spend a night at Mandarin Oriental Hotel, which is super awesome. Although it was also for work, generally I had a blast with my colleagues.

Tomorrow and the day after would be a series of crazy as well. Got to prepare for one of the most difficult client's event in KL and Kuching. I think I have to tie my fingers into knots so that them fingers can stay crossed for 3 straight days.

It is really tough learning how to work with people you might not be a fan of and to have to deal with the fact that you'll be seeing their face 24 hours (okay lar, perhaps not since we minus off a couple hours of bed time). But it is an experience of a lifetime although right now, I can honestly say that I am still not good with working with people I clearly am not in terms with. I mean, it all shows in my face the discontentment I feel for them and despite my bestest efforts to put on that innocent "bodoh" face and act as nonchalant at being mentally tormented by the verbal and fixated insults, there are moments that I think I failed to compose myself haha. Learning to be more professional in that way because in life, there is no running away from working with people, who, for a lack of better word, you hate or dislike. The thought of having to do so alone is even worst, but I thank God that most of the times, I don't have to face the turbulences myself!

Event went well today despite me looking like an idiot ushering people on stage.

I mean, it looks good when seeing other people do it but when I'm doing it, I feel like a total *beep* haha...

So sorry la, I'm just not into the ushering business, unless I'm ushering Cory Monteith or Chris Richardson, now that's a different story.

Pray that I have a better week although I know it will be hell because I have some piled up work at the back of my a**!! Good thing also but then stress is not contributing towards my lose weight regime. In fact, it's working against it. What the...why?

Oh well I better get myself wrapped up in my blanket and warmed up in bed because it is bedtime!!

Good night people.

More randomness before I go...

Tweety birds - I have 2 Tweet dolls dangling on my window, inaudibly chirping me to bed every night.

Televisions - Now that I have Internet and Youtube, I don't get the point of TV anymore sometimes but then oh well, I still fall back to it occasionally.

Teddy bears - Never had an official teddy bear but thank God I have my bolster, Stylo Mylo.

Greeting cards - Love the creativity that comes in every line. I think some of the best writers are those who put witty words into greeting cards because in just a few simple lines, they make your day

Feet - I hate high heels because they ruin the ecstatic of my feet hahahaha. I get bruises and cuts from wearing high heels and it's terrible!

Tummy - Mine is getting bigger as we speak....and I'm not pregnant.

Good nite people

With Lotsa Love

TammyC

RED ALERT - CLIENTS

2010-07-22T10:04:00.000-07:00

*Beep* Beep* Beep* Beep*

That is not me swearing but rather an alarm alert hahahahhahaa.

Okay people! How are things?

It's been a while since I got a chance to really tap words, now not because of work though haha.

I admit that for the past 2 weeks, I've been a little mellow and living my 100% couch potato life and thus, gaining a few pounds, literally.

I've been so engrossed with my drama series that I sort of neglected my blogs.

Not only that, I guess it has also made me a bit lazy at work haha. It's real bad. But now that I am finally done with the last episode, it's safe to say that I'm getting back on track.

This week however, is packed with work once again!!

I had a short breather and that's about it haha. But at least had room to breathe lar. But thankfully, I managed to screen over all the episodes of my drama, or else, I'll have even more piled up work.

I still don't understand why I need to deal with problematic people like one of our clients.

Seriously.....if there is a "Test My Patience" award, I'm giving the prize to 'the client'. Sometimes I am so sick of them I just want to scream 10 full sentences constructed only out of foul, vulgar language right in their face. Maybe it might not make any sense, but those words aptly describe a lot on the pent up misery when facing and dealing with them.

Sigh....&)*&*)(^&(^&(^&(#$^&(Q%&^amp;amp;(*^$#&(#%%Q^^$#$%#Q&$Q#Q@$^#Q&(%$#&(%$(

You see. It calmed me down haha.

But then again, when I have the sense to think back, handling them serves as a very good training.

I've been humiliated, I've been scolded, I've been criticized, I've been looked down upon....

Where else can one get the world's greatest training for self-strengthening and development if not the occasional string of self-destructive words that dilapidates one's self-esteem system?

Congratulation client, you guys are the 'best'.

Sometimes, you don't get compliments for a job well done. You get extra work that is twice as hard.

I guess that really is life and work huh? Perhaps I just found out this sad truth. Let's face it. Everyone face it. Everyone gets scolding of some sort - from bosses, or other clients they deal with...and then let it out on someone else, who will then let it out on another person.

I wish it were smiles that we passed on instead of words of anger.

But generally, I'm most excited about the writing part of the job.

I'm still quite weak at it but I guess will really have to work on writing press releases. It is easy and hard at the same time but all I can say is, it definitely require skills.

So in order to churn more writing juice, I forced myself to contribute a few crappy lines here as adornment of some sort haha.

But I guess this is it for now since it should be bedtime for normal work slaves.

I hate that all my stories are on my life. I think I will have to work on better things to write about in this blog.......hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.......................

So below are the result of total randomness:

Lindsay Lohan starts jail term? - Congratulations! At least a sign of justice from God.

Harith Iskandar had just gotten married? - I thought he was married all along

Facebook games? - Still trying to beat my boss in every single game but I'm still a loser, baby!

On being fat? - What the heck....I'm fat and diets won't work on me. Will try to exercise la...

On sleeping too much? - Don't regret sleep. Regret only when you have eye bags or better known as panda eyes.

On writing press releases? - I'm still writing a fact sheet and not a press release haha!

With Lotsa Love

Tammy

*A shout out to all July babies - have a few namely me sis & 2 friends

ONE OF THOSE DAYS

2010-07-14T08:26:00.000-07:00

Another one of those days where work keeps pouring in and you just feel like tossing everything away.

Then you wish that you have more than just one day. Things never ends and you just want to sit down and basically indulge in doing nothing that requires any brain exercise. Using your brain can hurt.

These few days were plain, hyped up with occasional tense moments.

Generally, I'm feeling laidback for this whole week. I don't know if it's a good thing because I've been delaying a lot of petty work, which I believe would conjure itself into a piled-up work-monster and attack me later. That being said, I just can't get myself to get things done and I find myself in front of my laptop, catching up on tv series and dramas. That's life at its best sometimes.

I don't know why but suddenly I feel that I've drifted away from people - friends, family...

It's like, all that revolves around me is just work and perhaps the characters on my favourite TV dramas. How pathetic...how boring...I missed being surrounded by all my close friends, doing what we do best - fool around and be stupid and oh well, have fun without having to face major consequences. But I guess I should be grateful that I had the chance to experience college and university life, in which I feel is one of the best moments of my life.

I am also lately overwhelmed with insecurities like feeling fat, ugly, feeling that I'm not good enough in everything etc etc...sigh....really messed up.

I just wish that I could just sleep through all these days, hibernate and just be anti-social for a bit without feeling that I've missed out on things. I miss college!!! I miss my friends!!! I miss being that crazy ridiculous me back when I was a bit younger, I miss worrying about assignments...

I mean, I've realized that we can't really go back in time but then these feelings just suddenly arises again and made me sorta stop living the now and continue to dwell on those days in which I believe were golden days haha.

My job and my life now is not terrible. I mean, I'm working with a fantastic team of people and though there are things that I really don't enjoy doing, I think it is really not that bad at all. Nevertheless, it is still very different from the life with the ABC students back in TARC. But here, I guess I am learning to be more matured and a grown-up who has to deal with very very grown-up grown-ups...so ya...it's very difficult because I find it hard talking seriously haha...

Aiyo I think I have to stop writing about the past and embrace the future man! Everyone grows up! I

Please forgive me for wanting to go back lar! I just can't help it...I guess I miss the feeling of having a huge bunch of 'kaki' just hanging out lar...and I especially miss my assignment mates back then when we were shooting our ridiculous 'aqua' short film.

I always try to remind myself of a scene in Chicken Little, in which he looks up to the sky and says, "Tomorrow is a new day".

With lotsa love

TammyC

NO REGRETS, THEY DON'T WORK - IN ROBBIE WILLIAMS WORDS

2010-07-06T11:15:00.000-07:00

Jules and Prem on FlyFM Rush Hour were talking about 'regrets' in life on yesterday show, getting listeners to call in and talk about what they would do differently if they were 17 Again.

My mum was driving me home from work (yes, one of those days where I get pampered) while the session was ongoing and I had the privilege to really think about this while in the car.

*By the way, the car is like one of the best place to think about things, isn't it? Even while driving my thoughts can fly off...

I don't know if it's a good or bad thing but seriously, I've never really regretted any major decisions or things until now. So if I were 17 again, I guess I'll still make the same decisions I did back then. Perhaps the only thing I'd do more is spend time with my grandparents...

From making some of the most idiotic choice of words to stupidly and naively blogging about almost everything and then facing the severe consequences, I think I still wouldn't have done anything differently. Again, I believe that all those things had made me who I am and though I remember crying a well of tears, I guess that the waters flowed and now I'm sailing on....quite happily though again, there are times I wonder where I am, like I'm lost in the middle of the sea. Sometimes, it's like I see that island I'm heading to once again.

But generally, I am glad that I can think back and regret nothing major. There are one or two minor things in which I wished I didn't do or anything but I try my best not to ponder upon silly mistakes but rather push myself forward. I guess I've always respected the saying "live with no regrets". I forgot who said it, but it is someone wise and I was advised to not regret what you've said or done, but rather what you've not said or done. Hmm...mull over it and see if it makes any sense lolx.

Oh well I better hit the sack.

It's so late but I feel obliged to at least contribute a line or two since I've neglected all my blogs. That's what reports and work do to you! It strips off your creative cells and leave you with no time to write!!

Good night people

Enjoy Uruguay and Holland's match later

Adios~

With Lotsa Love

TammyC

LIFE IS LIKE MALAYSIAN ROADS, SOMETIMES WITH MISSING SIGNBOARDS

2010-07-01T11:32:00.000-07:00

It is that time again to sit back and reflect upon all the events that happened over the past few weeks.

You know, back then when I was jobless, I can basically write about almost anything and everything; it's like my job is just to stimulate crap out of my brain juice and then let the processed juice flow through my fingers to the keypads which strings the thoughts into sentences that hopefully, contains a certain dignified meaning. I guess it's because when one has nothing to do, they have more time to ponder on different things.

When you start working, you lose the luxury to just sit and think...The only time I do that is before I sink into my little single bed every night, but sometimes, my brain went to off-mode even before my mind is able to fully on itself.

I'm not sure if you are that kinda person but though I don't seem like one who would analyze events, I actually do, which is a painful habit I might add because when you reflect on things too much, you tend to overthink things, which I feel is kinda bad. I am the kind of person who cares too much about what other people think about me and thus, usually I'll think about the things I've said and done, and how people could have perceived me. On top of that, I also analyze how others treat me and then try to figure out if they actually like me, am annoyed or is just treating me fine etc etc. I know I know...I don't know why but I just can't stop myself for thinking about all these stuff, which to some is relatively unimportant.

But sometimes, the good thing about having loads of stuff to do is that it leaves you with almost no time to think, because like I said, you dozed off even before you can think.

At this time, once I've completed 90% of my work tomorrow and now that it's almost the weekend again, I sorta have the time to contemplate on the current events around me.

Last two weeks saw the whole office working our arses off for our Singapore client. I don't know why, but most clients are just really difficult to handle. "Difficult" is like the single most definitive adjective to describe a client is. It's like they all were given birth by the "Queen of Evil" or something and since birth, they are stamped with the brand "difficult".

Without the word "difficult" tattooed on their heads, they are not clients. Clients who are nice are partners I guess lolx.

The thing about "difficult" clients is, they always want you to fulfill ALL their wishes, regardless if you have to cross the universe, reach the moon or fly over the sun, whatever...you just get it done. But when I think about it, it is a chain reaction. You see, our clients could have clients or bosses whose wishes they need to fulfill and to fulfill that particular clients' demands, they need to get us going. So basically, everyone has to cater to someone's demand and then give another person a hard time for that. Sigh...life!

After being in the service industry for about a year, I swore to myself to be nice to people who are in the servicing industry, but the exception made to those who are just being plain jerks and idiots, that's a different story. I mean, I know how it feels like to have demanding and sometimes unreasonable clients and so the last thing I want to do is be like the clients that I don't like. For example, I can't stand people who are rude to waiters and waitresses who are nice and patient with customers. But then I am also not fond of waiters and waitresses who are not doing their jobs. I mean, I can understand if they don't smile (I mean, they've had a long tiring day walking around and serving people, so I guess we should cut them some slack) although it is usually bonus points if they smile, but when they are very rude, that is when I get really annoyed.

But difficult clients are very effective trainers since they really test your patience and creativity. I mean some of the clients' requests are close to impossible and you just have to go through the maze and open every single window you can find. That is where my bosses come in. They make solving problems (and sometimes crisis) look so easy it is like eating peanuts. No doubt they are stressed out but they really manage those gripping moments with grace.

For me, when I just can't take it anymore, I usually just curse and middle finger them in my mind and then think that this will all be over soon and I won't have to see their faces again. But crap, the saddest thing is that I'm handling one tough permanent client that won't be rid off my life unless I quit the job. But the experience of handling them and all the various clients who are off-springs of the Queen of Evil is that you are actually getting free "injection" that immunize you to scoldings and being mocked and etc. But the immunization injection is not like a fast-track thing because after so many 'injections' in the form of harsh reminder emails, there are stills times in which they have hammered and punched my spirits and confidence to such a low that I thought I could barely lift them up again. Standing up again is so difficult but I guess with the strength provided by God and my family, I manage to recharge and boost up a few percentage of confidence.

Sometimes, the after-effect is so bad that I carried the thoughts of work into my dream. Multiple times have I dreamt about EMAILS and EMAILS and what I have to do for my client the next day. Sometimes I dream that I'm doing it and sometimes I dream of what happens after I've completed it....what the hell!! My dreams are supposed to be exclusively for Chris Richardson, Jensen Ackles, Gerard Butler (dunno why I'm so into him right now), or any gorgeous dudes's special appearances...and not a friggin' scary witch-voice playing in my mind.

But I guess after awhile, I will slowly learn to put work aside after working hours. Right now, it is still quite difficult as I can't live with not finishing at least 80% of what I need to do tomorrow, or else, what's the point of going to bed if I can't sleep. My soft pillows and mellow mattress won't help much in cradling me to bed because my mind will wander to the work file stored in the memory of my laptop. Plus, like I said, the last thing I want is to go to bed knowing that my dream is reserve for another shot of reminder.

These are the consequences of having a job. You stress over your job performance because, of course you want to do well. You stress over dateline, you stress over clients' demands, you stress over the lack of leisure time...

When you have no job, you stress over making a living, you worry because you have no money...

So a generally known conclusion is that, humans are never satisfied. So we just have to program our minds to feel happy. I guess that is what I am trying and trying to do.

Most of the time I'm happy at work but then at the back of my mind still lingers a dream to be a lifestyle & travel magazine writer. Life is never a straight road and again, I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad. When life comes with crossroads, it leaves us with a road not taken, there which lies a mystery that is sometimes visited by our thoughts. We always think back and wonder, what will happen if I did that instead of this...

There are some roads that have clear signboards pointing us to the right directions but there are also roads with missing signboards and we can only follow our hearts and pray that it will take us there. But then again, like I said, half way through, we would have think this..."what if I made that left turn instead of this right turn? perhaps I'm there already".

With Lotsa Love

Tammy

I choose to go straight while waiting for the next turn. Did I choose the right path or should I have made that turn? Nobody knows....

THE ALLURING JALAN ALOR

2010-06-24T10:11:00.000-07:00

There are many places to get good food in Malaysia but if you ask, "where can I get food food in KL?" to any KLites, perhaps you'll find one place that gets a unanimous support of everyone is...Jalan Alor!

Throughout my 4 years in KL, I've heard the sizzles about the delicious food along Jalan Alor, especially the 'siew kai yik' (chicken wings). I guess I did my taste-buds injustice for not bringing myself to Jalan Alor for the food there. That is until my boss decided to treat us all to some super juicy siew kai yik!

Well it's not like I've never been to Jalan Alor before. Previously, when I was working as a production assistant, the film crew actually did a few scenes nearby Jalan Alor. It's just that I don't have the time to go there to enjoy the food although I practically pass by that place every single day and even went a couple of times to the cyber cafe there to print stuff. My dad and I went for breakfast along Jalan Alor before, but seriously, Jalan Alor during the day is equivalent to a vampire during the day....erm....get the picture? It lacks the 'umphhh'...the Alor-ness.

So Jalan Alor is to KL what Gurney Drive is to Penang. Oh well, in sort, these are food paradises...So two days ago, that was where we were headed.

As we approached the famous street, we first feasted upon the sight of beautiful multi-colour lighted stalls, each one of them emanating their own unique scent that worked like hooks that pulls you towards the source of food action. It really did not help curb my hunger and I was already picturing the mouth-watering chicken wings in my mouth.

I think besides the food, Jalan Alor gives us something more - a uniquely Malaysian feeling. Malaysia is truly Malaysia when you see the colours of Jalan Alor. I know many would hate the crowds that cramp the place, the noisy buzz and the pungent smell of smoke that chokes along the road, but I just love that kinda atmosphere. I love to be part of such unique sights and sounds - a melting pot of various cultures.

Finally the moment I've been waiting for....

The wings were served and we winged it...I do not want to dramatized my first bite, like those food programmes where the host usually eat the food as if that piece of roti canai is the most divine food in the world. So no 'eyes closing', finger licking moment for me. I mean the wings were good but I won't described it as a heavenly experience because I was so hungry I basically just grabbed it and chunk it in my mouth but no doubt those wings were delicious. Sadly, the rest of the food were only mediocre.

I must say, you have to at least go there for a bite. I'm on for the food challenge already!!

I think I'm gonna gather friends and try to explore the rest of Alor!!!

Sadly, I'm not really a photo blogger, mainly because I can't even afford a camera.

My phone's camera, which is supposed to serve me, has a lousy weakness - it takes forever to FOCUS...and thus, I don't really have the chance to capture moments fast enough. I mean imagine 6 hungry tigers ready to pounce on the first food in sight...and there you are taking out the camera, saying "WAIT LET ME TAKE PICTURE FIRST" and then take up a few minutes of people's makan time because your camera takes forever to focus...so, better not create such fuss right?

So mission failed and I don't have any pictures to show you. But I can still 'steal' some pictures la ahha....

Photos courtesy of Michael Yip (I don't know who he is but I just got this pic online)

And yes, the chicken wings REALLY LOOK THAT GOOD!!

That I won't lie

Then as my colleague was sending me home, we passed by Pudu!!!

The bulldozing works were on and we saw many snapping their way with their SLR cameras. It's amazing and heartbreaking at the same time to see Pudu being reduced to shatters of tiny pieces and ashes.

If you ask me if we should tear down this historical landmark, I am actually really kinda against it. I mean, Pudu prison has its own historical value, which had captured within its walls (and in fact, on the walls itself because of the murals) so many stories but now, they are physically erased by a few buzzing tractors. Oh well, I guess some people might argue that the history that lies in it will live on in other fixated forms like writing etc etc.

But that being said, how can you say that this 100-year-old building is not a heritage?

source: http://thestar.com.my/news/story.asp?file=/2010/6/20/nation/20100620175830&sec=nation

Plus, how can you say that the Pudu Prison is of no use when I believe a lot of Pudu "ghosts" are residing there...okay that was meant as a stupid joke but yeah...sorry. But on a serious note, the artistic work fixated on the walls, which once set the record as the longest mural will be sacrificed in the name of road widening. Fantastic. Do you actually think that is justifiable?

I don't know, but I'm the kinda person who appreciates historical monuments, buildings and anything ancient because I love the kinda stories that comes with them. That's why I love European countries because their streets are lined with amazing architectures that preserved the historical flair. And I like it even better when there is someone who shares with me the background of the building.

Many argue that Pudu prison is a huge "stonewaller".

But seriously, I'm very doubtful that the destruction of the Pudu walls, to make way for new roads is going to help much with the traffic. I mean, most of us knows where the problem lies, and it's not really them roads, if I were to be honest.

Look at the Jalan Loke Yew that leads me to my Cheras home. It is amazing that after about 3 years of road widening, and with the project considered completed, I'm still experiencing slow traffic. Hmmm.....okay I guess I should be happy with the word "improvement".

Oh well, I'll leave you to ponder if Pudu Prison should stay or go - not that it makes any difference anyway because as I'm writing this, Jalan Pudu and Jalan Hang Tuah is piling stone dust due to the demolishing of the walls. I am saddened by this actually. Sigh...another tourist attraction gone.

Good nite people!!

Exhausted and tomorrow is another day.

Going to expect a tiring weekend because this Sunday spells work.

With Lotsa Love,
TammyC

NOT SO BIEBER-FEVERISH AND NOT SMILEY ABOUT MILEY

2010-06-19T11:11:00.000-07:00

I'll juice up this installment of my blog by squeezing out some celebrity gossips, or rather, my personal insights on one or two of these sordid buzz that seemed to be circulating the air currently.

I added "Galaxie magazine" as a friend on Facebook, and although it's great that I get a lot entertainment updates, sometimes I find the quotes by certain celebrities freaking annoying..

First of all, I'm most irritated by the 15-year-old mushroom-haired, blond named Justin Bieber who somehow managed to spread his infectious Bieber fever worldwide and gets credits for it. This lil' tyke (although 16 years old but he really still looks like a kid to me) who loves his "eenie-meenie-minie-mo-baby-baby has managed to make girls whose ages range from north to south, all crazy over him.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not immune to his powers. His songs are so freaking catchy that it does have effect on me as I find myself screaming along the lines of "MINE, MINE, MINE, MINE, MINE!!!! TIME TIME TIME TIME TIME!! Baby you're my eenie meenie minie more lover.....Baby you're my ...." and meanwhile I'll be engaging in a series of strange body movements known as freak dance.

But seriously, what is the deal with this Justin Bieber man? Can somebody with sense tell me? Can Usher tell me?

Besides catchy songs, which I believe aren't even written by him, he is really just another boy stricken by a bolt of luck. Like some say, his voice hasn't even mature yet. What the ...

The Bieber was still bearable until last week's rumour about him and Kim Kardashian. I mean, did his hair messed up his brains? Like dating a 30-year-old would spice up his career.

CHECK THIS OUT:

http://justjaredjr.buzznet.com/photo-gallery/373476/justin-bieber-kim-splash-01/

Sadly, I truly feel that it is another publicity stunt. For God's sake kid, don't you have enough front covers and cover stories already? Your face is EVERYWHERE. If it were really true love blossoming, like Ashton and Demi, then I guess I can't judge your love for each other. But Bieber and Kardashian? Seriously, if Bieber is trying to pull off another Ashton, it seriously ain't working for me. It is so obvious that it is just a fling and it is ridiculous.

Okay, one may ask me to "chill young lady,...he's just a kid and he's just trying to have some fun..."

Oh alright, let me pop a few chill pills. I'm sorry I don't get the wild lifestyle and all those having fun fling thingy. Very sorry I'm a dinosaur that way.

Then there's Miley Cyrus who has turned into this unrecognizable animal that 'can't be tamed'. She could be the next Britney Spears for all I know. I mean, I used to love Britney Spears but I just don't approve of her behaviour.

Miley is like the mutated country girl and yet proud of it. Oh well, it is her rights to be slutty and therefore, can she blame if people judge her for that? I mean, being a celebrity means that you've automatically signed up for a life of public interrogation. So please blaming others for judging you for not wearing your bra, your underwear etc etc. Although some may argue that those are fake etc etc but let me say this, when there's no smoke, there's no fire right?

Check out the face of the girl behind Miley lolx!

It's like she's thinking "what the hell is this girl with the pole doin' in front of me? I don't remember Miley Cyrus into pole dancing?"

This is fake Miley,apparently

I mean, if you are decent enough, it would be more difficult for people to link you up with a sex tape or naked pictures. Even if they did, the flames will die down easily because the way you behave speaks for itself.

I admit that there are some Miley Cyrus songs that I actually really love but I guess it ends there.

And I think it is very hypocritical of Miley Cyrus to come out with the Hannah Montana movie - about her going back to her roots and going all country and all but now coming out with an album entitled "Can't be Tamed" and then going with that new provocative image. I don't know how wrong I'll be but I am seeing her turning into another teen singer going down the ditzy drain. I don't understand why even with Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears as striking examples down there, Miley can still opt for that waste pipe. I mean, right now, she dress a bit sexy, but before you know it, she'll turn into a dirty chick. Oh okay. I won't judge so early.

So ya...

Really enough about them. I love songs and music but recently am getting really tired of the promotions of these few celebrities. Give everyone a break.

Oh well, enough bitching. Need to get back to serious stuff and get my heads cracking.

take care peeps

With lotsa love

TammyC

WEARING IT DOWN UNDER & THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN HUMAN AND HORSES

2010-06-10T11:02:00.000-07:00

Just 2 things worth sharing though the vision of my two small dopey eyes is coming to a blur.

1: World Cup Undies

http://thestar.com.my/news/story.asp?file=/2010/6/9/nation/6431463&sec=nation

First of all, what the heck.

*Photo courtesy of The Star Online

Wear World Cup undies while supporting your favourite football team?

The last thing we need are guys flinging their undies when their team win the game.

So ya, I wouldn't pay 10 cents for a pair of undies with the South African or European flag design on it. The last time I check, wearing a flag down under isn't really respectful, especially when you are supporting the team, you want to wear it down there, between your...you-know-where.

Oooo perhaps you should wear the opposing team's flag down under. Now that would work. *huge proud smile for being a critical thinker*

Again, those underwear are just another one of those gimmicks which ride on the occasion to make fast cash.

All these gimmicks are norms that lead up to the one-month football competition which suddenly creates a major outbreak of fever among society.

Glittering magazines with multi-coloured prints are lined up on the bookstore racks waiting to be owned by 'enthusiasts' who would pay good money for them. To be fair I know nuts about football but if you ask me, all them magazines are basically blueprints of one another - men in jerseys and long stockings, backgrounded by fields of green or a cheering crowd. Then bloody long articles analyzing games and profiling players...and the constant reminder that some of these footballers are young but making tonnes of $. Tell me, why should I spend on those magazines again?

Then there's football-theme-glasses from which are designed to make you believe that you have the 'goblet of fire' or something when you own it and perhaps drink the elixir of football from it.

At least this one is cute

Oh and there is also the packets of football players cards - you know, those in which you exchange with each other to make a card collection. Please forgive me, but I could be ignorant to the fun of the barter system, BUT I think buying these cards is THE ULTIMATE WAY TO WASTE MONEY. Top on my list man! I mean, WTF does one need those trade cards for la! Go to the internet, search for your handsome, cute, gorgeous football player, print out and trade lar if u want.

Plus, they are sure going to make it super hard for you to get every single player, just so you'd continue spending your moos on them cards. Next time, think of me before you buy those cards okay? If you don't want your money, feel free to give it to me lar.

Cash incinerators

And it's pretty amazing that now people include underwear to the list of things that defines the World Cup....

I guess one may argue that merchandises of these sorts are kinda creative sales or marketing methods that help create hype while earn some cash. Win-win also lar.

Oh well, all I know is, after this phase is the part where you will see a divide between the world's population. Half will be glued in front of the TV while the other half will look annoyed.

2: Genpets

Human's creativity can sometimes be both freaky and awesome at the same time.

I'm not sure if you know about Genpets but when my boss told us about it, I was really half awed and half freaked out by it. Lolx.

My colleague called it a 'toyol' and now, unfortunately, that is Genpet's nickname.

Genpets are bioengineered pets. Okay ignore the fact that they are actually living and breathing, they even have personalities!!! 7 types!!!!

WAT THE.................!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Exclamation marks alone is not enough to express the shock and excitement of this discovery. It is in other words, Genpets are actually the product of a whole lot of messed up DNA implanted into one 'toyol' body.

I think my boss mentioned that it is made from a combination of Horse and Human sperm or something. Hilariously put, my boss had said this, choking us all when we burst into literally teary laughs, "I really don't want people to think that it is okay to have sex with horses".

So all this while we got it wrong?

≠

Half man, half human is not equal to a centaur.

Go figure

No offense horses are beautiful, but really...let's not be psychotic to that level man!

But then again, scientists had all this while been playing around with DNAs and genetics, generating not only innovative inventions, but also loads of controversial issues.

This link might interest you:

http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2005/01/0125_050125_chimeras.html

I've heard about the story/news above vaguely and it is the sort of issue that I'd say can be chucked into the gray area. It's difficult to really dictate whether it's right or wrong; just how we perceive it.

So Genpets? Awesome or not...it's really for you to judge.

7 types of personality - and I found myself thinking of which one I want..('=.=)

My colleague and boss have both decided that there's no way in hell that they are going to let this thing in their house, let alone pay about $US800 for it.

I am actually quite impressed by the creation but at the same time, feels a weird kind of fear. It's like we are really heading down the path of creating 'humans'. I mean, give this 'toyol' a few years and it will be refined. It will have longer lifespan and it will be nicely designed to attract people like my boss and colleague. It will one day look like a human altogether...

For a Mass Comm student who watch too much film, I can't seem to shove away the thoughts that go along the lines of movies like A.I. (though this is more on robots lar) and The Island.

EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON

2010-06-06T11:35:00.000-07:00

Things have been a bit hectic and overwhelming for me lately.

I mean I know that it is really a blessing that I'm so busy with work because when I have things to do, then I'll have things to learn.

But with such workload, stress naturally becomes a huge part of my life because in case you didn't know, I'm even working in my head when I'm dreaming. What the hell, right?

It's hard even to find time to write and like I said in my previous post, I feel myself losing the ability to fixate my thoughts in the right expression of words. Gone were the days where I try to think of stringing humourous lines to entertain myself in my blog post (oh well, I presume that I'm the only one reading it anyway). I guess my brain has gone into this mode in which it is so lazy to even function after a long day catering to clients at work.

No offense, but the thing about most clients is that they think that we function only to serve them alone, which sometimes is not true because we still have other clients whom we need to babysit. Oh well, again, that is what working is all about. Part of the fun I guess to deal with the pain in the arses.

But I'm very grateful to have a chance to be part of the company I'm working in right now because I've learned so much from the job and the people there. I admit that I am not the best worker I wish I could be, which adds on to my stress because I really wish I can do better to contribute. Most of the times, I find myself making loads of careless mistakes, which I attribute to the stress, but I guess I should once again stop finding excuses.

Nevertheless my ultimate dream is to become a writer someday, and recently I don't know why but I very very very much want to be involved in travel writing, though I honestly don't travel enough.

In pursuance of my dream, I'm still constantly trying to find out about freelance writing opportunities as well as any courses that can help me improve my writing skills as well as grammar. Seriously, I hate to admit it but my bag of grammatical errors can sometimes weigh as heavy as an elephant.

So fate had led me to finding out about this writing course, which is going to occupy my Sunday afternoons for 2 months.

Yesterday and today were the first two classes and I'm already enjoying them.

At first I thought I'm going to have to literally drag my heavy butt out the door of my house every Sunday for this workshop, but you know, it had been surprisingly easy for me and I'm already looking forward to next week's class.

The workshop is organized by the Buddhist Gem Fellowship (BGF) and I somehow came across the workshop through the AWAM emailing list, through which I get loads of updates.

But I'm really glad to have been able to be part of this workshop because not only does it help me with writing tips and providing me a chance to meet people in the writing industry, it also enlightens me spiritually as the speakers are mostly Buddhists and relates some of their lessons with the teachings of Buddha, which is very very enlightening. I also get to meet so many different people there - a doctor, TARCians, and even nuns (and one is from Bhutan!).

Yesterday, I was privileged to be able to share Mr Thor Kah Hoong with about 20 other individuals for 4 hours. Just to give you brief intro of Mr Thor (if you don't already know), he is a freaking successful man in the writing industry as well as in theatre. He has experience in almost everything related to writing - be it proof-reading, ghost-writing or even publishing, he seems to know everything!! Thus, it was fantastic listening to his experiences - it's a real inspiration.

But today's speaker, Mr. Shivadas gave a speech that was an even bigger boost of inspiration - a real enlightenment.

As his introduction, he explained the process of creation - since our class is about creative writing.

There are 4 steps - thoughts, feeling, willing and action.

According to him, every creation originates from a source and a piece of writing stems from a writer's thoughts. A strong enough feeling and desire for the thoughts will then lead us to actions. He explained that we can have a million thoughts buzzing around our brains everyday but it is only the thoughts in which we have feelings for can trigger us to act upon it.

He said that the fact that we were all gathered there today means that we have the thoughts, topped up with the desire to develop our writing skills, to find out more about writing.

He added that when we keep thinking about something, things would somehow happen for us and we will find ourselves getting what we want. He then referred to the 'law of attraction' and then explains that everything happens for a reason. So we just need to be positive.

Okay, before this, I told my dad and basically everyone who cares that I do not believe in the 'law of attraction' because all this while, it has never worked for me. I keep thinking about things but I am always let down. So F 'law of attraction'.

However, after Mr. Shivadas's talk today, I'm actually kinda feeling the law of attraction.

And he reinstated in me something I forgot, neutralized by my recent negativity, and that is, everything happens for a reason. I used to always remember that, and it keeps me going and not blame circumstances but my rollercoaster ride was so bumpy for the past few months, that that philosophy slipped off. I started seeing things from a very negative point of view. I stopped believing in hopes and dreams, mainly residing in a hole of disappointment and complaints, forgetting how lucky I am.

Mr. Shivadas said that the things that we want will gravitate towards us if we think about it enough, with desire. Things will happen and will somehow lead us there.

Come to think of it, how true.

My mind dwells on being a writer and out of nowhere, I saw this email about a writing workshop. Circumstances led me to work in a PR firm, dealing with loads of media and journalists - meaning that I'll be able to build a network. And all of this doesn't happen because of nothing. It happens because I wanted to be a writer and search for writing related activities. It somehow all gels together and makes sense. You want something, you search for it...you think about it, you attract it.

So if I put in more effort and work harder towards my dream with positivity, I guess in no time, I might be able to do what I love - meet people of various cultures, write and travel!

Of course it won't be easy to shove off all negativity (see, this sentence already shows negativity haha) but LET'S TRY!! I really believe that God or whoever's in-charged of shaping my path besides myself, has set out a beautiful path for me and I just need to see it and take it.

Previously, I'm bummed because I didn't get the journalist jobs that I want. I want to write in magazines and newspapers but no publications would let me in and so I don't have a chance. I don't understand why some people can be doing their dream job but not me. But I guess I've come to a realization that not everyone has it easy and like Mr. Shivadas said, everything is set out for a reason. I'm doing the things I do and meeting the people I meet for a reason.

So I'm just going to continue praying and learn to enjoy my life journey and hopefully, I'll realize my dreams soon. By the way, Mr. Shivadas had also touched on religion earlier today and that was another interesting lecture he gave, which I think I should save for another day.

I told Mr. Shivadas that he really had touched me with his words of wisdom earlier, because at this moment,when I'm in such a clueless stage of life, all he said was what I needed to help find see the path again. And again,in this blog, I'd like to once again thank him for the booster he gave me. I think I can actually call him Dr. Shivadas. Besides my dad, he is another person whose wisdom just inspires me.

Right now I shall go to bed with my spirits lifted while I try to avoid thinking about how I should embrace tomorrow. I have yet to fulfill some clients' demands. Argh kill me...

Anyway, good night people!

I think this picture of Martin Luther King is enough to demonstrate the power of dreams....

With Lotsa Love,

TammyC

Dreaming towards achieving my dreams

TaM-My *Tada* Random Rattles

WHEN LIFE HAVE NO MEANING

SMILE

TAKING RISK IS NOT COOL!

AS RANDOM AS IT GETS

WHY AM I SO INTO FACEBOOK?

NO KIDDIN' ...HORMONES

EXPRESSIONS @ 3AM

ONE WORD - BALI

LITERALLY ON THE ROAD TO MALACCA

LIFE IS AN ENDLESS BATTLE

ANOTHER SERIES OF VENT-ILATION

SECOND TIME KUCHING

THOSE WHO MIND DON'T MATTER, THOSE WHO MATTER DON'T MIND

FIRST DAY OF WORK

IT'S A WRAP 2010

CHAPPITY CHAP...RAPPITY RAP...MAINLY CRAP

HIGH HILLS

Tiny booth and holding hands

OVER THE YEARS

I'VE FALLEN IN LOVE AGAIN WITH HOLIDAYS

PENANG-IPOH YEAH!

I WAS ROBBED OFF MY WINDOW

TO LOVE OR NOT

WALLS THAT FELL ON ME

TALK ABOUT RANDOM

FAILURE TO LAUNCH

DEMOTIVATED

CHANGE

TEMPERAMENTS

NING, NEW PHONE & MORE STRESS

ORDINARY PEOPLE

BLESSED BIRTHDAY

JOURNEY TO THE EAST

COPING WITH DISLIKES

RED ALERT - CLIENTS

ONE OF THOSE DAYS

NO REGRETS, THEY DON'T WORK - IN ROBBIE WILLIAMS WORDS

LIFE IS LIKE MALAYSIAN ROADS, SOMETIMES WITH MISSING SIGNBOARDS

THE ALLURING JALAN ALOR

NOT SO BIEBER-FEVERISH AND NOT SMILEY ABOUT MILEY

WEARING IT DOWN UNDER & THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN HUMAN AND HORSES

EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON

TaM-My Tada Random Rattles