WHEN LIFE HAVE NO MEANING

When you have no drive anymore, you'll find yourself questioning your existence.

It is sad, don't you think?

I am only 24 and most of the time, I have nothing to live for.

I guess I am just lazy to move forward. 

I admire those who strives so hard to survive although they endured so much hardship.

I feel guilty because I am so blessed, and yet, I find no reason to move on each day.

I used to be passionate about life.

And then, I don't know what happened.

I've lost it.

I do not thirst for it anymore...and I don't know why.

Life to me now, is pretty meaningless and I don't know if I'd find that something to spark me again.

The people around me are just faces.

And people talks about people. I talk about people.

I love the people around me - but sometimes, just tired of the antics; heck, I'm even sick of myself.

All I want so bad is to be passionate about an idea, a job, something that is only purely work - and I do not have to care about anything.

Problem is - that's an idealism - something that won't happen.

We need to deal with people, we need to deal with shitty situations and shitty jobs.

So at the end of the day...that's life. And what do we get?

I shall continue to drift and let things fall into place.

I really hope that I find that fire again, because now, I'm slowly losing steam, and desperate for charcoal to light it up again.

10 more days to a new year - and I desperately hope that it brings with it new beginnings.

2011 hasn't been generally kind to me, to be honest. 

I just hope that 2012 is more gentle, and even if it really means the end of the world.

SMILE

A smile is a funny thing
It hides your sorrow
It cheers up others in a special way

A person who smiles could have a thousand sorrows
That no one knows
But it's okay
Because it brightens up other's day

People hide behind their smiles sometimes
You just don't know it
You take smiles for granted

But it is easier to smile,
But more comfortable to cry
If it's a smile I need to make myself feel better
I would smile more
I just need to feel better
And today,
It was really hard to pull a smile
And I ruined other's day
And I ruined mine

TAKING RISK IS NOT COOL!

Perhaps I am just not good enough.

That's why I will mess up my hair when I face difficulties. 

I have personal issues to overcome - one is to keep my cool when under stress. 

Seriously, I have this problem of not being able to think when things get rough. It is something that I tried learning to overcome, but I just can't.

If all my colleagues can keep their cool when they are stressed out, I think I'm the over-dramatic one who can't do it. It's all in my face.

Sometimes, it is really not the job. 

It's the feeling that you don't know the outcome - whether it is right or wrong.

It is the feeling of uncertainty that drives me nuts. 

I am never a risk taker and putting me in a position of risking others is a huge huge huge stress breaker for me.

Every campaign I run comes with a failure rate.

The 'failure' is what I am worried about. They say, fail to learn...but I am that kinda person who is most worried to fall, because I am those who are so worried about consequences. That's another reason why I can't be in business, besides the fact that I am not driven by money.

Maybe I am not good enough. That's why I have all these craziness in me. 

For now, maybe I am the only person who cries the most in the office and perhaps I'm the craziest.

Sometimes, I wish I could be as cool and level headed as the rest of the girls.

They just somehow knows what to do and how to do it and me? More often than not, clueless without a direction.

Fooling around is just a way to hide insecurities that I myself can't really describe.

Today started rough. 

Lack of sleep and tonnes of things to finish and worry about and not to mention, speculate. It is very difficult to not think the worst out of a situation, due to inexperience. I still feel that I am not good enough for my job....really...I am always clueless and I don't know what to do most of the time. 

Perhaps my position is to allow me to move and progress but I really am having difficulties feeling unworthy of the spot. You know what I mean?

And I just don't know who to tell...

My family doesn't really care much about what I do at work.

Perhaps to them, my job ain't even worth talking about, unlike my sis's profession which is regarded as 'professional'.

At home, no one really cares about my job and so, my passion for what I do can only be shared among colleagues. My venting - also among colleagues.

It is quite tiring sometimes. That's why I Facebook so much hahaha.

When I am sad, I seriously have no one to turn to at home, except perhaps my mum. 

Sometimes, now, it somehow feels that my colleagues and friends are my family. My family are just friends whom I visit every once a while. I can tell you that I am most myself with my friends and they get me even more than perhaps my family members. It could be wrong to say this...but it is true.

That's also the reason why that when I am sad, I find a friend to turn to instead.

I am 24. And I really hope I will grow and mature.

No matter how many times I tell myself that I need to change and be more cool when dealing with s***ty situations, I just can't. 

Tomorrow is a new day and even before it starts, I am already burdened by the client's meeting.

My fingers are crossed and I pray for the best.

TammyC

AS RANDOM AS IT GETS

It's almost 3AM and I am still awake for a reason.

My 6-hour nap served me well.

So besides contributing to my blog, and playing Tetris, can't think of much non-work related stuff to do.

I have loads of things to start on, but seriously, I do not want my Sunday (well, literally it is Monday) to be work related to be honest.

So below are my Sunday night/Monday morning musings before bed.

Bloggers...

Are no longer what bloggers originally are anymore. I find bloggers overly commercialized nowadays. What started off as a hobby, for those passionate about writing and sharing has now become a somewhat advertorial like platform; another tool for corporation to 'sell'. Nothing wrong with it but sometimes, it is just sad that so many things have become related to 'money'.

We are indirectly fed with information - that we sometimes do not know if it's for real, or just another paid write-up. But looking at it in another way, it is pretty cool to be able to just earn a living by just writing. Besides, you get to attend free events and do plenty cool stuff! 

Sunflower seeds...

 - are the best! I find myself very much addicted to eat because it is the best munching companion when  it comes to watching TV series. Right now, my top TV series are still Criminal Minds, Glee and my latest favourite - Revenge!

People...

Are very complex. Most of the time, I just enjoy their companionship but I do not enjoy having to work together when it is clear that we have nothing in common. Learning to deal with different people and handling the relations is by far the toughest thing to do. Sometimes, I just wish that I could run far far away and not have to deal with anyone, but just to spend time with the only one who shares a special bond with me in terms of understanding. 

All the time, the job is not hard - it's the people that is hard!

Life...

is something I don't understand and might not be able to understand till the day I die. I live everyday to the max but honestly, I still do not get the purpose of it. I just make sure that I am happy and the people around me are also happy, and maybe that's about it. 

Health...

To be honest, I am guilty of not taking care of myself well enough. I wish I could be more discipline but I just am not. I am now having a lot of wind due to stress and I seriously hope that my next problem won't be stomach ulcers. Yeeaaaaouch!!

Guys name Chris...

Are super hot. I think (or rather hope) my future husband's name starts from 'C'...at least a Chris or Cory hahaha because they are the hottest. Hot guys with "Chris" for names:

- Chris Richardson, Chris Evans, Christian Bale, Chris Pine, Kris Allen...

So "C" is the way to go!

Cory...

is a Taurus. Dang! I just found out that last week and I am heart-broken. For a person who believes in star signs, how can I not believe that a Leo and Taurus are incompatible!

But it is ok....If Marion (Scorpio) and her husband (Leo) can last, I might have a chance (that is if I meet Cory muahaha)

Work...

Another exciting week!! I am both thrilled about the countless meetings I have and also very much stressed out. I need a rejuvenating break because I can't take it anymore!!

Enough crap. I am hungry and I shall try to sleep now.

Love
TammyC

WHY AM I SO INTO FACEBOOK?

I realised that I spend every hour (if not minutes) of my day on the social platform known infamously as "Facebook". I could be one of the fanatically ones seriously, I'm not proud of it, but yes, I guess I am in a way addicted.


Believe me or not, I wasn't always hooked.
In fact, I was kinda anti-Facebook last time. I do not get it and I don't want to be part of it but signed up since a lot of my friends were on-board.  Nevertheless, I wasn't active then. 


I started getting hooked when I was in Liverpool.
This is because a community was built online.


When I was in Liverpool, all my friends were on Facebook, making comments, posting videos, discussing assignments; basically, Facebook got me closer to all my friends in Liverpool. We build a bond on Facebook...


This is what Facebook do basically.
Some may call Facebook a waste of time. 


To be honest, I personally feel that Facebook is more than that. To me it is a sharing platform, a place where we get to know friends better, friends that we don't know previously or friends that we've not been contacting. Through Facebook, I've met new people, get closer to people and also know a lot more stuff. 


And now Facebook is a place to build business too. In fact, part of my job involves Facebook too...


This social media platform is evolving and so, no one can blame anyone for being so connected (in other words, hooked) on Facebook!


So cheers to Facebook while it lasts!


TammyC

NO KIDDIN' ...HORMONES

It seriously bugs me that as I grow older and more 'womanly', hormones are getting in the way.

You know the thing they say about women and the time of the month...YEP, that is true! It is...And it is not something we can control. I seriously become more emotional when it comes to that time of the month and I am not DENYING it. Trust me...it's not cool, but I just have no choice.

With that, I apologise if I've ever offended anyone, or did anything wrong during that time of the month because seriously, with cramps, stomachace, backache, moodiness and all that bull crap...I just couldn't be happy and rational all day. But NO EXCUSES I know...Let me try and sort things out k? Give this 24 year old a chance...

I just realised that I've only had 9 postings this year.

It's pathetic actually, for someone who claims that she loves to write, 9 posts a year is NOT justifiable. Haha.

So let me write something just to make 10. 

Tthere were many instances where I felt like writing but I guess most of them were sad stories and complaints and I thought, why would I want to preserve all the bad and not the good? So I skipped fixating them and moved on, leaving most of the unhappy stories lingering on my mind instead. But perhaps I shouldn't be thinking so because bad experiences are great experiences and looking back, I believe I'd appreciate the fact that I've grown so much over the years.

What I've learned about myself this year is that I have quite a stubborn personality.

And if I don't think something is fair, I'd go all out to fight for it (most of the time I guess haha). I mean, I just can't take crap if it's ridiculous.

I had a few rows for the past week (partly due to hormones, seriously) and it really got me thinking. 

I wouldn't say that I am completely right but then again, I wouldn't agree that I am wrong too. 

I know that everyone is different and we have our own ways.

But to disregard other people's efforts because it's not done your way, it's simply ridiculous. If you are not on top of things, seriously, do not screw people. I seriously hate hypocrites and I hate people who are pots calling kettles black. Do not underestimate a job, no matter how small it is, because at the end of the day, you did not do it. If you did not do it, you have no right to say anything unless you've proven that you've done it before. Do not belittle people, and then make a fool out of yourself because of your own ignorance. 

People have feelings...at the end of the day, even if you don't care, people are hurting because of you. How would you feel if someone else treated someone you love the way you treated others? If you still don't care, then you are selfish. 

If God only created rationale, with no compassion, love and emotions...I don't think we'd be humans. We'd be robots. We'll be rigid with specific objectives to complete everyday. 

Don't rationalise tears, or emotions...people feel sad for a reason. You don't have to understand it...but don't mock it. 

I always believe that you treat people the way you want to be treated. I might not be the nicest person on Earth, I don't have a big heart...but at the end of the day, I treat people who deserves kindness with my heart because I believe that these are the people who deserves every bit of it because of their big heart. I envy them for their true kindness...you feel that they genuinely care for the people around them, and these people deserves all the greatness and happiness in life.

At the end of the day, I'm glad that we are different. It sets us apart. I don't want to be you. Simple as that. I'm proud I am not you. I'm proud that I have compassion and empathy. I have my own sets of weaknesses, yes, but I'm just glad that I can relate more to people.

My teacher once say, "If one person doesn't like me, I don't care, because I could be different from that person. But if most of the people don't like me, I'd need to check myself. "

I usually check myself all the time because no matter what, I want to be friendly, and I admit, I want to be likable because I just hate to be an ass or a jerk. Why ruin other people's day by being a jerk? Don't we love it when others treat us nicely?

If you don't care, no one can help you. 

I admit, you are unique in that way, and there will be people who admires people like you. God is fair. There's no right or wrong. He made you that way for a reason. And he made me, me for a reason. I believe the disagree I had happened for a reason.

I guess it is a relief in a way. I got half the things on my mind out.

If nothing changes, I'll continue to do what I do and will learn to respect although I disagree. It's not an easy thing to do, because I'm who I am - headstrong at times.

All in all, it's very interesting to see my own self change because 10 years ago, I wouldn't stand up for myself this way.

I've grown - I just need to learn to be more diplomatic and to control my emotions. 

I'm not as rational, but with the help of the people around me who has guided me and who loved me for who I am...I will survive I guess. :)

Thanks to those who have been there....

Everyone I've talked to...has indirectly gave me a different perspective of the incident and helped me through in different ways.

Thank you...

EXPRESSIONS @ 3AM

It's only words...

Sometimes, I wonder what's the line between venting and complaining and perhaps even bad-mouthing others.

To be honest, I do have a pretty loud and bitchy mouth sometimes, but, I never really meant every single word I said because most of the time, I was only influenced by emotions, causing my brain to not filter the words that fly out of my fat mouth.

It's bad, there's no excuse.

Every single time I set my mind to controlling my mouth, I tend to forgot and fall back to how I naturally am..LOUD, ANNOYING and a person who talks without thinking through.

I'm a person who wear my heart on my sleeves...I'm open about how I feel and I just say things as it is most of the time. I don't hide how I feel, unless necessary. I am brutally honest with people whom I like, and sometimes, too honest even with people I should not trust. 

At times, I really hate myself for being the person I am because I have so much to comment and say about others. I know I have my own weaknesses and yet, it's like my "job" to critic others, when it is not. I am just a critic! 

As I write this, I'm thinking about the times in which I've pointed out others' flaws and my dissatisfaction with them, when I guess I should learn to see the good in them, or if I can't, I should just keep my mouth zipped. 

I'd like to apologise, if in any way, my words have hurt anyone because I really did not mean to do it. My expressions were just a mere ventilation, to get things out of my chest due to frustrations. In the process, I might have went overboard with the choice and selection of words, and I guess, it has somehow crossed the borderline to the world of gossip. Gossip is interesting, but disastrous and unhealthy. 

Sometimes, there are certain characteristics in people that I might not be able to stand, and so, I just need to tell someone. I did not mean to judge or critic, because at the end of the day,  I still really love the people around me because they made me who I am today - whether for the better, or for worst. I'm not completely proud of who I am but I guess, I am not at all bad (I hope).

So sorry...And I will keep my mouth shut more often unless I'm playfully being sarcastic. :)

What do you get when you fall in love?

So ya...

Met up with a friend yesterday and again the question of whether or not I have a boyfriend pops up.

Last two weeks, my old high-school friend told me that another friend of mine is in a relationship. 

Last two weeks, I received a wedding invitation.

Just today, my colleague told me about her 'date' with a guy she kinda like.

So all these got me thinking...about, dang it...relationships!!! 

I'm 24 and I've been single all my life. Is there ANYTHING WRONG WITH ME?

AM I TOO BLOODY PICKY?! Hahahaha.

I guess I'm the kinda girl who wants to get it right the first time, and unless I'm pretty sure,  I don't think that I'd take any risks. 

There are two questions that people ALWAYS ASK ME...and yes, different people but the SAME QUESTIONS.

"Don't you ever want to date anyone?"

My answer is always simple, "I do when fates decide that I meet the right guy".

Yes, when I meet that person, I will, but definitely, at this stage of my life, I can guarantee that I won't just accept anyone just because I need to have a so-called 'boyfriend'. (Fast forward 10 years and when I'm still single, I might pull a different tale but let's leave that to future Tammy ya)

"Have you ever fallen in love with anyone before?/Is there any guy that have made your heart pound before?"

My answer is,  I don't know if I've fallen in love before because I can't define it.

As for guys that make my heart pound - 5! 

But I always wonder if a 'heart pound' means love or if it's just a mere crush that perhaps  will last 2 years maximum. 

Seriously, I've no feeling for any of my previous crushes anymore. They don't even know I have crushes on them, and I guess, I've also gotten over them and moved on. They are still my friends but I guess that's it.

There are mainly a few same problems with the dudes I crushed on: -

One (1): I just don't see how we can click/we are too different and so I don't see them as someone whom I can actually expressed myself to because I'm intimidated by them (so, they won't be my best friend and I want my guy to be my best friend :))

Two (2): They are always related to some other girls (rumoured to be dating, rumoured to have something on, or not available) 

Three (3): I always say stupid and RUDE things that might offend them and I can't help it. I just am quite nasty and COOL with the dudes I like. Most of the time, I won't initiate any conversation, unless they prompt it and I'll ride on that. If I'm friendly towards you, that means I totally DON'T HAVE A CRUSH ON YOU. :)

Somehow though, I really wish that they would have just approached and asked me if we can start something new...The truth is, I won't mind taking a chance if it's a crush.

I seriously won't...

I am not the kinda girl who can approach...and that's my weakness.

Most of the guys who asked me directly or indirectly are not really my type and I feel so bad that I just need to tell them indirectly that it won't work. But seriously, most of them are too shy to really move forward anyway...so it's ok. I just take it that my hint was noted and I try to avoid them as much as I can, so that things are less awkward. 

But I am still very happy with the way things are now, with my friends, family and my job...sometimes, I guess I don't feel the need to have a 'guy', I just need a good friend. Nevertheless, I won't lie and say that I've never not feel lonely. But then I think again, you can still have a boyfriend and feel lonely. A boyfriend/husband is not a solution to loneliness...but rather, having people you love around you - be it friends or family. Then again, I guess there'll come to a point where you will just need to face it that your friends will have family members of their own and your family members will slowly leave you too. And it will be then that you'd wish that you have someone to call your own. *lightbulb* Adoption!

I'm stuck in a job that I love and don't mind working hours for.

I'm in a job where I can still have fun, balance my life. People say I work till late and all, but the truth is, I enjoy it.

The weirdest thing is, I love my office sometimes. I love to work there. I don't mind going back to the office sometimes even on weekends. It's like my home. I'm NUTZZ I know!! But I love it!

I love my job, most of the time, I also love my colleagues. So, I'm married to my job! That's the sad truth. But we all know this relationship won't last...and until it does, I guess, I might not have a real relationship. Sometimes, I don't really mind, but sometimes, I secretly wish I could have both.

Tammy