CHANGE

They say that it's difficult dealing with changes.

Oh so true.

These few days, I feel that I've been bombarded with changes...

Changes in life, the things and people around me...

I've come to realize again the sad truth that everything is only temporary, even good things.

Before we know it, the soft bed of roses decays into what's left if not only the thorny stems before the buds bloom again...God knows when.

When things turn rosy again, I always wish that it could last forever. But who am I kidding, it's a bed of roses, not a bed of fake roses.

Within a few weeks, I suddenly felt that I've lost everything of meaning to me.

Perhaps I've fail to look at the positive, but I feel that things were not the same again and there's a hollowness inside.

It wasn't as I thought it would be or was anymore...and it's hurting in a weird sorta insecure way.

I've felt alone before, like perhaps no one understands me anymore.

I feel that perhaps, my presence is not needed. I feel that perhaps, I could just go....

Run far away where no one knows me, so that I could just start again and this time, just observe.

I hate feeling like you have so many people around you, and yet, there's nobody.

I think I'm fooling myself if I believe that there's someone out there who gets me more than I get myself....how naive........

I feel like I've lost grasp on things I love most.

Perhaps that's why I feel companies slipping away and loneliness seeping in.

Maybe I've also changed in ways I don't know.

I guess memories are something that we try to hold on to but perhaps can never fully do.

It fades with time...only the best memories last, but we can never relive because it will never be the same again no matter what we tell ourselves.

It can be the same place, or same person, or same object...but it will never be the same time and definitely, won't be the same moment because every moment gives you a different feeling. You feel different mainly because of....

Change..........

Inevitable, change....

Like Carrie Underwood says in her song...

"This is my temporary home..."

One day, I'll find eternal happiness, and not loneliness.

For now, I'll do what I do best...

"Smile"

But then again, perhaps I've changed......

With Lotsa Love

TammyC

TEMPERAMENTS

Should learn to control my temper sometimes and perhaps learn a more diplomatic approach to express discontentment.

I thought that I'm generally a patient person but when I'm super exhausted, really can't help but get really defensive and all heated up over certain things or matter that I don't see eye-to-eye on.

Events drive me crazy sometimes, but I love it!

The downside is that I get super tired and drained and perhaps that's when I get agitated easy.

Rudely slammed someone for unfairly criticizing my work.

Though on hindsight, the person doesn't deserved to receive such treatment because, oh well, the person is older and more experienced, I still feel that there is nothing wrong defending myself in that situation because it is pretty obvious that I was unfairly treated. I'm glad to have the support of one of my colleague who stood up for me...But I admit it was wrong for such a tone. :(

I'm not perfect, I admit...

I take positive criticism if the critic is justifiable and reasonable.

But when you judge me unfairly, I can't help but feel really angry...especially when it is partly your fault that affects other people's performance.

I believe in team work, although there are also things that should be done individually.

But we are somehow divided.

Feels like I'm alone...left out and casted aside with my own crap to deal with. I know it's not only me feeling that way. And there and then, you tried to segregate us even more. 

I feel the need to stand out but then again, can I? Perhaps I can't...

Feel the need to fit into a place in which, perhaps, I don't belong in anymore.

Time to move on? I don't know.

I'm very happy with the people I'm working with, but sadly, not literally working with because we have our own stuff to do. 

It's okay...

It will pass. That feeling of loneliness...of being lost in the middle of something you don't understand or know anymore...

For now, I'm just taking it in day by day, coping with everything - from insecurities to inferiority to stupidity and naivety...

Randomness....

Pimples: Killing me! I mean, it is bad enough that I look super ridiculous and ugly with that red spot stuck on my face, but to have it sting and itch makes me want to just cut the pimple off, (yes, literally just cut the pimple off with a scissors or something!)

Blood: Drops are better then puddles...

Headache: Might be getting one soon...

Insecure: That's what I'm feeling now and it's sickening because it turns me into a monster with a devilish heart...

Gareth Gates: Suddenly his song pops up on my playlist and here I am...writing about him.

Beauty: Currently only Cheryl Burke pops up in my head

I shall leave you with a quote: "Be Patient and Tough, Someday this pain will be useful to you" (How? Don't know, don't ask)

With Lotsa Love,
tammyc

NING, NEW PHONE & MORE STRESS

Can you believe that I've practically lost all brain cells to actually write a proper blog post?

I've lost all inspiration and I do not know what to write about, except to complain.

Sigh...

Well, that's the sickening fact of human life I guess. We will never be completely happy...

Loads have happened since I last wrote.
I feel so bad that I'm not in pursuit of what I love to do best - write. These days, whenever I have the time, I'd rather go on Facebook and waste every minute of my life there but not take some time to at least update my blogs on what is going on....my blog is like my journal, but lately, it has  too many missing pieces...

But let me try to wrap it all up...

Bye NING!

Last week saw me bidding goodbye to Huey Ning, a sweet girl I met from National Service.
She is off to Leicester for her studies and basically, I won't be seeing her for another 7 years. If lucky, perhaps I'll see her when she comes back to visit every 2 years.
In some ways I'm jealous that she gets to spend 7 years in UK, but well, what do I know, I only see the good in staying overseas...I don't know about the negative yet because my 3 month stay in Liverpool has been a bliss.
I can only wish Ning all the best and may her stay over there will be filled with as much joy as mine in Liverpool. Hopefully, she'll meet someone as cute as Andrew and she'll be less lonely.

NEW PHONE

I was so stressed up 2 days ago I had to splurge on something. So without fully utilizing my brains, I bought a new pink phone. Oh well, I've been planning to get a new phone since 2 months back but I guess I didn't plan to spend almost RM1000 for it. Also, it wasn't the model I wanted and honestly, the one I got now is not worth RM 1000. Sigh...oh well, I wanted something new to cheer me up so badly that I just couldn't care less anymore. Very typical of me...sometimes to not think before I do things just because my heart feels like it. Stupid some might say, but oh well, it did cheer me up...

Though after a while, I bet my heart will ache for the extra RM 200 spent on my new beautiful pink phone...

STRESS AT WORK

There's always going to be stress at work. You stress when there's nothing to do and you stress when there is a lot to do. You also stress when you know you have loads to do but you don't know what you need to do or have to do just because you don't know how to do.

These few days have been rough because the work is piling in and we can't take things for granted anymore. I guess again, I'm in this clueless position of what to do and where to begin.

Perhaps I should be more positive...Life is not about knowing everything but rather learning what you can. So not knowing is a good sign, isn't it?

Everyone at work is struggling with their own projects and this weekend was one filled with tension and stress.

Just hope that Monday will be a better day.

Of course, I'm also coping with my own project and like I said, still clueless but trying to get a hang of it.

Seriously, right now I don't even care if there's any careless grammatical errors or spelling errors in this posting because these days, I feel like in everything I do, I have to follow the rules and formality of writing.

I don't care. This is my own blog!

I'm going to let the words in my mind just casually flow through my fingertips. So what if I'm crapping and not making any sense...It's my life and in some places, I want to choose how to live it.

Going to fake it again tomorrow. 

Oh boy, I just wish I could run away and just holiday till the end of my days....

With Lotsa Love,

Tammyc

ORDINARY PEOPLE

People...

Contestants of Big Brother UK..(2009)

Experiencing human social behaviour experiment

Sees the clashing of different human personalities and backgrounds

Friendships and enemies were made

Fans and hate mails awaits

All kinds of people with all types of personalities, beliefs and attitudes.

Sometimes, you just wonder why there are people you can get along with, and people you just can't seem to tolerate.

As much as I love studying and observing people, I still find it hard to like everyone and I believe, not everyone likes me. I just hope that most people do, I guess.

But I find the relations between people very interesting. 

There are people whom you know you'll click from the moment you meet them. 

There are people whom you really dislike at first, and later learn to kind of like them.

There are people whom you never thought you'll click with but then end up super close.

There are people whom you think you'll like, but at the end of the day, can't get along.

And of course, there are people who, from the sight of it, you know you are not born to be in the same gang or and you don't even want to be related to them through speech.

And then, there are people who's personality clashes completely with yours but you can still get along super well with them because they compliments you. But then in some cases, there are some people's who's personalities are different from you and they just get on your nerves so bad that you just want to pull that nerve out. (Dramatic visual description that metaphorically describes the pain).

Deny it if you want, but we are sadly divided into our own cliques in our own ways. 

We are connected with each other in different ways; for example, if we like the same things or have the same interest - we click. If we've been through the same experiences, we understand each other and thus, we can click. If we behave the same way, we click.

I don't condone outcasting or boycotting people but then there are times in which it is hard to get someone who obviously don't belong to fit in the group. I do not criticize that person but then, I believe that that person just am waiting for his/her own group that completes him/her. However, if that person is a total complete utter jerk, then excuse me for being a tad cruel and harsh. It is 90% ignoring that person and 10% depending on my mood.

In my personal opinion, working on the most screwing assignments or any other tough projects are solid tests of whether or not you can stand a particular person. It also shows how strong all of you are as a team. If you can endure a person for the whole duration of the project and at the end of the project, still fond of that person, your friendship with that person can go miles long. If halfway through, you go through a bitter argument which left the two parties sour forever, oh well, I guess that's it for you then.

I remember clearly til today our team for our Final Year Project, our short film production. I think that period has clearly indicated to me who are the people I can bear with and who I can't. But I am honestly very happy that most I have great team mates whose style of working compliments mine. 

I believe even for couples, you need to go through hardship together to test your love. If you can wade through a series of misfortunes, I believe that relationship is 90% secured with a tight love bond. 

I guess although God say we are all brothers, there are still brothers that we can't seem to understand because everyone has their own thoughts and their own way of behaving. My policy is to ignore and disregard people whom I choose to disagree with or who doesn't share a chemistry with me (for many various reasons) but then I guess it's not always the right thing to do. Sometimes, you just can't do that, and it is very unfortunate. In worst case scenarios, you have to fake liking a person, in which, to date, I find it really hard to do. Nothing is easy in life ya, including faking it. But again, I'm glad that most people around me are likable and for now, there are still a very small amount of people whom I need to fake favouritism.

But then when you are fake, people criticize you but then you kind of have to do it in this world, right? 

I'll conclude that it is not easy dealing with people, but I guess that is part of where the fun is - to deal with different characters who have so many different ways of thinking. There are so many things that we can explore. At the end of the day, I'd say that humans are the same but yet so very different at the same time. Studying people is part of my interest but at the same time, I think learning how to accept people I'm not so fond of and manipulating them into someone I like is a more positive lesson. Or perhaps, I'll just stick with my way of dealing with them - ignore. 

That's my random thought on people and human relations.

Learning to cope with a sea of personalities that range from the north pole to south pole.

Nobody is liked by everybody and that's just painful.

I wish I could be one of those who loves everyone. Then life would be much easier and simpler. :)

With Lotsa Love

TammyC

Out and down with flu

BLESSED BIRTHDAY

As I ponder upon the last 24 hours, I feel that the pain and sorrow more than half a year ago evaporating into thin air.

I remembered being as low as can be on the rollercoaster of life, but at this moment, in which I shall capture, is me being at the highest peak, looking down, gleaming and beaming at how wonderful and blessed my life is.

Last year I was surprised by my friends in Liverpool and this year, I was given another surprise by my colleagues!

I am very touched knowing that there are so many people out there who cared for me and would take the trouble to make my day a special one. Sometimes, just a simple wish can light up my day but when people go the extra mile for you, I guess it makes me feel even more grateful.

Once again, I can't say this enough, thanks to everyone who has made my 23rd birthday another very special one.

Lunch at TGI was raelly nice but I just wasn't sporting enough and so...I just don't like being put on the spot like that man! It's been so long since I have such delicious steak! I love steak!!!

And I got flowers! I'm very happy because I can finally show off! Hahaha!! Well forgive me because I've never received flowers before okay! I got one (yes, one sunflower, which I really love btw) once for graduation. and that's all. 

Dinner at a Japanese restaurant was also friggin' awesome because I love Japanese food too! 

I felt super guilty though because it costs my friends a bomb! Argh...i feel really bad!! I think I'll settle for mediocrity next time. I know I'll have a great time with these bunch of people no matter what since they are all awesome!

So ya, birthdays are a reminder that you are getting older each day...but it is a wonderful day because it makes you feel grateful that you are still alive and happy, and a reminder that you have family and friends around you that love and care for you. It is moments like these that make life worthwhile sometimes, and it makes you feel that, whatever sorrows and sadness you have in the past, are just part and parcel because at the end of the day, someone out there is watching over me, through the love of the people around me.

I'm blessed and I know that.

I just need to constantly remind myself. :)

With lotsa love

Tammy

JOURNEY TO THE EAST

It was generally a nice trip to Kuching.

There were ups and downs moment there but I think I want to imprint the happy ones.

The first day was pretty rush and I almost missed the flight.

Work-related trips are usually rush and you don't get much time for yourself.

But I'm glad that at night, after dinner, I got to spend some time with two great people who I don't call client.

There are great clients whom you enjoy working with and there are clients who stress you out and this trip was sponsored by one of the latter clients. So basically, I have to be on my toes almost 24-7. Thus, I was ecstatic when I got a break after dinner, and although suffering from a terrible headache, I decided to freshen up by taking a hot hot bath and then shoving Panadols down my throat to make sure I make the best out of this otherwise, torturous trip.

You see, I have a feeling that my clients don't really like me, and it's really hard coping in situations where you are clearly disliked. Faking smiles is basically what I've learned to do.

Anyway so I was brought by two lovely people to a place where we ate 'Kuo Chip Pan Tiau'...okay I still have trouble pronouncing it and I got a few laughs when I tried to work on the pronunciation.

But for your information, it directly translates into Ketchup Kuey Teau, which is something we don't get in Peninsular Malaysia.

So we went to this place, if I'm not mistaken, they call it the "Open Market" and I tasted for the first time the infamous Ketchup Kuey Teau. Now I believe it is supposed to be more Ketchup-y haha but it was really not bad. It is like what we in the West call "Wat tan hor", or if directly translated, egg white noodles. And the drink was heavenly! It was green apple mixed with lime and it was superbly delicious. I think the word 'heavenly' aptly describes the drink because one sip and I felt refreshingly alive ....

Keo Chip Pan tiaw

There are some other really special food/delicacies in Sarawak that we don't find in West Malaysia. They have a special kinda fern they eat as vegetables. By the way, just so you know, these plants are nurtured by the drains...eww...(I just found out today and I've been happily enjoying it at that time). I'm actually pretty surprised that we can't find those in Malaysia as I thought that globalization would have brought those dishes over seas to our side of Malaysia. 

So after food, Wendy, our journalist friend drove me around Kuching and saw me all the cat statues there was around the Cat city. And we had a few laughs in the car. That night was awesome! Seriously, it is great people like these that truly made my day. Though super tired, I still had a blast! My whole trip to Sarawak was cheered up by that sweet memory.

There were more cat statues but my camera disappointed me

The next day however, was a complete hustle and filled with stress!

I almost lost it.

But I'm so thankful to my journalist friend, Wendy for going all the way to buy me a cup of delicious iced coffee! I then found out that the coffee is bought from somewhere very far away and she had purposely took a trip there to get it for me and my boss. I'm really touched by such nice gestures and hospitality. Seriously, Wendy had made the whole Kuching trip a more cheery one that is worth remembering. If it wasn't for Wendy and my boss, I think I could have died of depression and stress over there.

But generally it was a great trip to Sarawak.

Many of my firsts happened that week.

1st trip to Sarawak

1st trip to East Malaysia

1st time on Air Asia (it really isn't as bad as many had claimed; in fact I find it a very comfortable journey).

1st time eating Keo Chip Pan Teaw

1st time eating a type of weird fern planted near the drains......

SO ya...was pretty exciting and memorable.

Wendy (by the window) and Stef (on the chair) - both gave me something wonderful to bring back to KL...fun memories

Will I visit Kuching again?

Most definitely but the next time, I'll go there light-heartedly and will lose all the burdens I had to carry with me.

Till next time....

Cheers...

P/s: Yesterday (Today in Liverpool) is Andrew's birthday.

I felt so happy when he replied my birthday wish...call me crazy, but I don't know why I get overjoyed over a few lines. Oh well, maybe because they are typed by Andrew. =P

Once again, Happy 30th birthday Andrew Upton!! 

With Lotsa Love

TammyC

Will share pictures soon...

COPING WITH DISLIKES

Going to be a busy week this and next.

I have come to a realization that I complain a lot - good or bad and really, I think I should learn to be more grateful and embrace the things around me.

I had a fantastic weekend; caught up with some friends and got to spend a night at Mandarin Oriental Hotel, which is super awesome. Although it was also for work, generally I had a blast with my colleagues.

Tomorrow and the day after would be a series of crazy as well. Got to prepare for one of the most difficult client's event in KL and Kuching. I think I have to tie my fingers into knots so that them fingers can stay crossed for 3 straight days.

It is really tough learning how to work with people you might not be a fan of and to have to deal with the fact that you'll be seeing their face 24 hours (okay lar, perhaps not since we minus off a couple hours of bed time). But it is an experience of a lifetime although right now, I can honestly say that I am still not good with working with people I clearly am not in terms with. I mean, it all shows in my face the discontentment I feel for them and despite my bestest efforts to put on that innocent "bodoh" face and act as nonchalant at being mentally tormented by the verbal and fixated insults, there are moments that I think I failed to compose myself haha. Learning to be more professional in that way because in life, there is no running away from working with people, who, for a lack of better word, you hate or dislike. The thought of having to do so alone is even worst, but I thank God that most of the times, I don't have to face the turbulences myself!

Event went well today despite me looking like an idiot ushering people on stage. 

I mean, it looks good when seeing other people do it but when I'm doing it, I feel like a total *beep* haha...

So sorry la, I'm just not into the ushering business, unless I'm ushering Cory Monteith or Chris Richardson, now that's a different story.

Pray that I have a better week although I know it will be hell because I have some piled up work at the back of my a**!! Good thing also but then stress is not contributing towards my lose weight regime. In fact, it's working against it. What the...why?

Oh well I better get myself wrapped up in my blanket and warmed up in bed because it is bedtime!!

Good night people.

More randomness before I go...

Tweety birds - I have 2 Tweet dolls dangling on my window, inaudibly chirping me to bed every night.

Televisions - Now that I have Internet and Youtube, I don't get the point of TV anymore sometimes but then oh well, I still fall back to it occasionally.

Teddy bears - Never had an official teddy bear but thank God I have my bolster, Stylo Mylo.

Greeting cards - Love the creativity that comes in every line. I think some of the best writers are those who put witty words into greeting cards because in just a few simple lines, they make your day 

Feet - I hate high heels because they ruin the ecstatic of my feet hahahaha. I get bruises and cuts from wearing high heels and it's terrible!

Tummy - Mine is getting bigger as we speak....and I'm not pregnant.

Good nite people

With Lotsa Love

TammyC