FAILURE TO LAUNCH

Going through another insecure rough patch.

I guess I'm never the type who keeps happy memories in record. I only write when I'm sad.

I guess I just need a channel to vent and perhaps I do not feel comfortable sharing with anyone, except oh well, a blank sheet of blog post, waiting to be emotionally filled up.

On the surface, it seems that I am a person who has many people around me...

Perhaps it's true but how can one feel so alone when there are actually so many people who cares for me?

I guess I'm one selfish b**** who is never really contented.

I shall be grateful and I am trying to look at everything more positively.

Lately, I've been managing a client and to be honest, I think I'm doing a pretty lousy job.

I always have an excuse and that is probably my biggest weakness - my excuse: "I hate organizing other people's lives!"

It's not want I love to do because I can barely manage my own life and now I'm handling other people; planning their projects and making certain that things are executed on schedule. But like I said, it is my excuse of not doing a good job and I know it and I think I am really disappointed in myself for constantly trying to escape.

But what disappoints me most is my own inability to be more analytical. My client pointed out to me that he doesn't need someone who just execute things without giving a more in-depth thought into the purpose or the objective of the actions. You know what, no matter how I want to defend myself, I think he is right.... 

I used to be proud that I can watch a movie and analyze the themes and elements. It is a passion of mine to do film analysis and just study the messages conveyed in a film. It interests me beyond explanation. I used to be excited to get film assignments...it was my passion and still is. No matter how challenging the film is, or how boring, it doesn't feel like a task to research it.

But now...I don't even have the time to watch movies, let alone churn out energy to write about movies.

Ain't it sad? And I  haven't even watched enough movies and films to be deemed as a good film critic yet.

All I'm saying is...

I want to be more analytical!!!

At work, I also get very defensive most of the time with my big boss, mainly because sometimes, I just don't like being challenged. I personally feel really bad but I really don't know who I can confide in. 

On top of that, I'm trying to cope with stress and I guess, me shouting back at my boss the other day made me look really bad, although I don't think I'm completely at fault. 

I've been with my company for about more than 6 months now and I guess more is expected of me. Sadly, even I am disappointed with myself and thus, how can I expect others to actually have faith in me?

Driving in positive thoughts into my mind is not easy at all and they say that we need to think positive to attract the positive energy.

Honestly, I think I'm a failure right now and I'm trying so so hard to bounce back.

I wish I could do something to proof to myself that I am of value and is worth living in this world known as employment and job but til now, I'm still struggling.

On a more positive note, I remind myself that this is a learning curve, a process that I (and perhaps everyone else) will have to go through in order to mature into a butterfly. 

But it's really a painful process because it erodes your confidence and to fight that feeling and stand on solid ground again...it's really difficult. I guess it's never easy breaking out of the cocoon. 

I regret a lot of things that I've said and done...

I never regretted things that I did before until I started working.

I used to be sure of life

But now I'm undone.

I guess I was naive back then...

Still quite naive now.

I just need that strength to stand up again...

With Lotsa Love

TammyC

Tomorrow is a new day

I shall learn to live the moment and enjoy the happy