CHANGE

They say that it's difficult dealing with changes.

Oh so true.

These few days, I feel that I've been bombarded with changes...

Changes in life, the things and people around me...

I've come to realize again the sad truth that everything is only temporary, even good things.

Before we know it, the soft bed of roses decays into what's left if not only the thorny stems before the buds bloom again...God knows when.

When things turn rosy again, I always wish that it could last forever. But who am I kidding, it's a bed of roses, not a bed of fake roses.

Within a few weeks, I suddenly felt that I've lost everything of meaning to me.

Perhaps I've fail to look at the positive, but I feel that things were not the same again and there's a hollowness inside.

It wasn't as I thought it would be or was anymore...and it's hurting in a weird sorta insecure way.

I've felt alone before, like perhaps no one understands me anymore.

I feel that perhaps, my presence is not needed. I feel that perhaps, I could just go....

Run far away where no one knows me, so that I could just start again and this time, just observe.

I hate feeling like you have so many people around you, and yet, there's nobody.

I think I'm fooling myself if I believe that there's someone out there who gets me more than I get myself....how naive........

I feel like I've lost grasp on things I love most.

Perhaps that's why I feel companies slipping away and loneliness seeping in.

Maybe I've also changed in ways I don't know.

I guess memories are something that we try to hold on to but perhaps can never fully do.

It fades with time...only the best memories last, but we can never relive because it will never be the same again no matter what we tell ourselves.

It can be the same place, or same person, or same object...but it will never be the same time and definitely, won't be the same moment because every moment gives you a different feeling. You feel different mainly because of....

Change..........

Inevitable, change....

Like Carrie Underwood says in her song...

"This is my temporary home..."

One day, I'll find eternal happiness, and not loneliness.

For now, I'll do what I do best...

"Smile"

But then again, perhaps I've changed......

With Lotsa Love

TammyC

TEMPERAMENTS

Should learn to control my temper sometimes and perhaps learn a more diplomatic approach to express discontentment.

I thought that I'm generally a patient person but when I'm super exhausted, really can't help but get really defensive and all heated up over certain things or matter that I don't see eye-to-eye on.

Events drive me crazy sometimes, but I love it!

The downside is that I get super tired and drained and perhaps that's when I get agitated easy.

Rudely slammed someone for unfairly criticizing my work.

Though on hindsight, the person doesn't deserved to receive such treatment because, oh well, the person is older and more experienced, I still feel that there is nothing wrong defending myself in that situation because it is pretty obvious that I was unfairly treated. I'm glad to have the support of one of my colleague who stood up for me...But I admit it was wrong for such a tone. :(

I'm not perfect, I admit...

I take positive criticism if the critic is justifiable and reasonable.

But when you judge me unfairly, I can't help but feel really angry...especially when it is partly your fault that affects other people's performance.

I believe in team work, although there are also things that should be done individually.

But we are somehow divided.

Feels like I'm alone...left out and casted aside with my own crap to deal with. I know it's not only me feeling that way. And there and then, you tried to segregate us even more. 

I feel the need to stand out but then again, can I? Perhaps I can't...

Feel the need to fit into a place in which, perhaps, I don't belong in anymore.

Time to move on? I don't know.

I'm very happy with the people I'm working with, but sadly, not literally working with because we have our own stuff to do. 

It's okay...

It will pass. That feeling of loneliness...of being lost in the middle of something you don't understand or know anymore...

For now, I'm just taking it in day by day, coping with everything - from insecurities to inferiority to stupidity and naivety...

Randomness....

Pimples: Killing me! I mean, it is bad enough that I look super ridiculous and ugly with that red spot stuck on my face, but to have it sting and itch makes me want to just cut the pimple off, (yes, literally just cut the pimple off with a scissors or something!)

Blood: Drops are better then puddles...

Headache: Might be getting one soon...

Insecure: That's what I'm feeling now and it's sickening because it turns me into a monster with a devilish heart...

Gareth Gates: Suddenly his song pops up on my playlist and here I am...writing about him.

Beauty: Currently only Cheryl Burke pops up in my head

I shall leave you with a quote: "Be Patient and Tough, Someday this pain will be useful to you" (How? Don't know, don't ask)

With Lotsa Love,
tammyc

NING, NEW PHONE & MORE STRESS

Can you believe that I've practically lost all brain cells to actually write a proper blog post?

I've lost all inspiration and I do not know what to write about, except to complain.

Sigh...

Well, that's the sickening fact of human life I guess. We will never be completely happy...

Loads have happened since I last wrote.
I feel so bad that I'm not in pursuit of what I love to do best - write. These days, whenever I have the time, I'd rather go on Facebook and waste every minute of my life there but not take some time to at least update my blogs on what is going on....my blog is like my journal, but lately, it has  too many missing pieces...

But let me try to wrap it all up...

Bye NING!

Last week saw me bidding goodbye to Huey Ning, a sweet girl I met from National Service.
She is off to Leicester for her studies and basically, I won't be seeing her for another 7 years. If lucky, perhaps I'll see her when she comes back to visit every 2 years.
In some ways I'm jealous that she gets to spend 7 years in UK, but well, what do I know, I only see the good in staying overseas...I don't know about the negative yet because my 3 month stay in Liverpool has been a bliss.
I can only wish Ning all the best and may her stay over there will be filled with as much joy as mine in Liverpool. Hopefully, she'll meet someone as cute as Andrew and she'll be less lonely.

NEW PHONE

I was so stressed up 2 days ago I had to splurge on something. So without fully utilizing my brains, I bought a new pink phone. Oh well, I've been planning to get a new phone since 2 months back but I guess I didn't plan to spend almost RM1000 for it. Also, it wasn't the model I wanted and honestly, the one I got now is not worth RM 1000. Sigh...oh well, I wanted something new to cheer me up so badly that I just couldn't care less anymore. Very typical of me...sometimes to not think before I do things just because my heart feels like it. Stupid some might say, but oh well, it did cheer me up...

Though after a while, I bet my heart will ache for the extra RM 200 spent on my new beautiful pink phone...

STRESS AT WORK

There's always going to be stress at work. You stress when there's nothing to do and you stress when there is a lot to do. You also stress when you know you have loads to do but you don't know what you need to do or have to do just because you don't know how to do.

These few days have been rough because the work is piling in and we can't take things for granted anymore. I guess again, I'm in this clueless position of what to do and where to begin.

Perhaps I should be more positive...Life is not about knowing everything but rather learning what you can. So not knowing is a good sign, isn't it?

Everyone at work is struggling with their own projects and this weekend was one filled with tension and stress.

Just hope that Monday will be a better day.

Of course, I'm also coping with my own project and like I said, still clueless but trying to get a hang of it.

Seriously, right now I don't even care if there's any careless grammatical errors or spelling errors in this posting because these days, I feel like in everything I do, I have to follow the rules and formality of writing.

I don't care. This is my own blog!

I'm going to let the words in my mind just casually flow through my fingertips. So what if I'm crapping and not making any sense...It's my life and in some places, I want to choose how to live it.

Going to fake it again tomorrow. 

Oh boy, I just wish I could run away and just holiday till the end of my days....

With Lotsa Love,

Tammyc