I WAS ROBBED OFF MY WINDOW

It was a scary experience that I think is worth sharing.

It was my first time and it scarred me.

I knew the world is becoming a more and more dangerous place to live in but never really knew how scared one could be living in the world until 2 days ago, when my colleague was robbed off her bag, with both of us in the car.

I admit that I was never the most careful person on Earth - my bag is usually dangling carelessly around my arms unzipped, I'd be playing with my phone in the car, talking on my phone while crossing the roads etc...I guess although I know these are dangerous habits, I never really thought about changing them.

That day my colleague and I were in my car, heading towards town.

We stopped at the traffic lights and suddenly a motorcycle stopped next to my vehicle. Before I knew what was happening, my windows were smashed and the pillion grabbed my colleague's handbag from her lap. 

I remember looking into that evil, heartless dude's face as he broke my window into pieces of glass.

I remember the cracks of the shattering window.

I remember my colleague sobbing next to me as she screamed for her bag.

I remember myself feeling cold and scared, unable to think of what to do next.

It was so surreal. 

This is the first that I ever wished that that someone will suffer the wrath of hell, the torture of pain.

I never wished for anyone to go through such suffering but these set of thieves deserve the worst. 

I wouldn't be as mad if they stole my things secretly, leaving everyone emotionally and physically unscathed. But the fact that they broke my car window and robbed my colleague in broad daylight, in front of us makes them real a**es (excuse my language). The injected fear in people and effected people emotionally.

From this experience, I believe that we should all NOT put our handbags on our laps as it makes us easy targets. I'm so scared now that I tend to hide everything. I'm even scared to sit by the window at times. 

Seriously...

This is a messed up world. 

I'm worried that one day I won't know what being safe means anymore.

With Lotsa Love

TammyC

TO LOVE OR NOT

To not be able to be with someone you love , or to never have felt real love before...

Which one would you prefer?

Two stories,

One my own...

And another, told from my point of view.

I've seen people falling in love, getting into a relationship, and I've seen couples fall out of love.

Tough...

The sad truth is, people change and love seldom last forever.

But I guess real love does.

I've been single for 23 years, I guess you can say, the whole of my life.

When I was in my teens, I never thought about loneliness because the truth is, I'm blessed with love from friends and family. Never before I felt the need to have a man or a partner to understand me or something like that because I've so many partners in the form of family and friends.

As I grew older, and ventured into college life, I still was not pressured to find someone in my life because again, my mission was to complete my studies and do well. I mean, if it's destined that I'll meet someone, I wouldn't fight it,but then, I'm not the desperate type who insist of finding any float just so I can hang on to something and look like I'm swimming.

Now that I hit 23 and with practically everyone around me in a relationship, can I still say the same?

Mum has been pressuring, aunts and uncles asking....

"It's time...", they say.

But how  would they know? Because I don't.

I haven't found that person who got me going head over heels and confident that he is the one I want to spend with the rest of my life.

I think finding your love is more than just going to pubs, clubs and bars and then dive into a relationship based on what...looks? sexual attractions? 

Or just going out there to hang on to someone just because you need to at least have someone to hold...those are temporary ...it will hurt when it ends someday...

It seems like it helps you get over the moment, but I guess what follows is a series of guilt and regrets.

Am I pressured...well, to a certain extend yes...

But am I going to just settle with anyone just because of that...no.

I don't want to get hurt and I don't want to hurt others.

Until I feel secure with a person, I think there;s no way I'm surrendering. 

There are no guarantees, because love doesn't last forever.

But...why can some people make it?

Why can I see two white haired couple holding hands in parks, telling each other tales, and the look in their eyes still full of admiration for each other...

What did they did right that Hollywood couples failed to do?

I think what they did is understand that love is about accepting each other for who they are, and accepting the weakness of that person and learn to love it, not so much change it, although sometimes, a good partner can change you to a better person. I think strong relationship is based on respect, as well as trust, but most important is undying love. A strong relationship is when your partner is family - to an extend where divorce is not even possible, not even an option (you won't see yourself divorcing your mother/father, would you?)

Perhaps I have an ideal vision of how my relationship would be and perhaps it won't turn out the way I thought. No matter how certain you are, there's always some things that could happen, and could change everything.

But I believe, and hope that one day, I'll find a person who would have almost the same thoughts as me and accept all my weaknesses from day 1, till the day of my last breath.

The story above leads me to the fact that I've never really loved someone before.

Oh of course there were times in which I had crushes, but those were infatuation that lasted for merely few months, longest perhaps 2 years.

I guess it is a feeling that would fade away through time...to be honest, could that infatuation flamed to be love through time? I don't know. But none happened for me. Mine all turned into ashes...

How do I differentiate love and crush? I don't know.

So if I've never really loved someone, I won't know how it feels like to love, to sacrifice all I got for that person...and believe me, I really want to feel that feeling of selflessness, which I've yet feel. 

I think I've been selfish all my life, I've always loved myself more than others...

I really want to find someone that I'd happily put him before myself...

Over the weekend, I understand that love can't be forced.

It's a sad thing that one person just cannot love you back. It's unfair but feelings can't be forced. That's the sad truth.

I'm torn in between two friends whom I cared about dearly.

What happened between them is a case where one tangoed while the other tried, but can't. Tried...but can't.

At the end of the day, do you feel blessed that you've loved someone and learned to let go, or would you rather have not loved before. 

I do not know which is better...

To have loved, or to never have felt real love before..

But then again, how do one define.

With Lotsa Love,

TammyC

WALLS THAT FELL ON ME

If you push the walls down on me

I'll shield myself

But if someone shields me from the walls,

I will stand up and push the walls away from that person.

So don't you try to demolish the wall on me

I'll be defensive

That's second nature

A destroyer

Not a builder

Dilapidating spirits

You push people down

Have strengths

But I can't take the weakness

I struggling through the debris of the collapse

The misunderstanding that fell upon me 

It was misinterpreted

But can never be right

Different definition of taking the front role

You don't mold 

Or unfold what's hidden

You bring out the worst

No respect for someone 

Who butchers me...

Who doesn't tell me that the wall built is not strong

Who only tell me when it's about to collapse

And helps by pushing those bricks on me

Am I supposed to know how to build a fort?

Yes, I guess

Disappointment..

At myself

For not knowing

I don't have to take all these

If it's not for integrity and dignity

For family

For I want to take the challenge

The only great thing is that I shall get up 

Find my way out beneath the heap of rocky remnants of the ruins

Use my delicate hands to wade through 

My hands shall be roughen by the rocks

But I will make it through

I'll learn to build the next fort...

And then a castle

And try to make sure that they don't fall

And perhaps,
I'll do it my way

With Lotsa Love

TammyC

TALK ABOUT RANDOM

Challenge: Feel like I can't move on with the hardship that I'm facing. I feel week and useless. Feel like evading but I know I need to push through it.


Glee: One thing I look forward to every week now to keep my mind off things.


Supernatural: It's been so long since I last watch it. 


TV series: It takes up a lot of your time and you get lazy, neglecting a lot of things you need to do.


Mercedes Jones: If you don't know her, she is a character in Glee. She can sing!


Dreams: Sometimes they just seem so far away and unreachable. Sometimes, dreams are what gets you living.


Jensen Ackles: Is still hot.


Entrepreneurship: I am still trying to find the business side of me; I don't know when or whether or not it's there, but we'll see when it comes.


Travel: What I want to do for life!




Counting the days...
I'm going back to where I belong. :)


Talk about random.


With Lotsa Love
Tammy 

FAILURE TO LAUNCH

Going through another insecure rough patch.

I guess I'm never the type who keeps happy memories in record. I only write when I'm sad.

I guess I just need a channel to vent and perhaps I do not feel comfortable sharing with anyone, except oh well, a blank sheet of blog post, waiting to be emotionally filled up.

On the surface, it seems that I am a person who has many people around me...

Perhaps it's true but how can one feel so alone when there are actually so many people who cares for me?

I guess I'm one selfish b**** who is never really contented.

I shall be grateful and I am trying to look at everything more positively.

Lately, I've been managing a client and to be honest, I think I'm doing a pretty lousy job.

I always have an excuse and that is probably my biggest weakness - my excuse: "I hate organizing other people's lives!"

It's not want I love to do because I can barely manage my own life and now I'm handling other people; planning their projects and making certain that things are executed on schedule. But like I said, it is my excuse of not doing a good job and I know it and I think I am really disappointed in myself for constantly trying to escape.

But what disappoints me most is my own inability to be more analytical. My client pointed out to me that he doesn't need someone who just execute things without giving a more in-depth thought into the purpose or the objective of the actions. You know what, no matter how I want to defend myself, I think he is right.... 

I used to be proud that I can watch a movie and analyze the themes and elements. It is a passion of mine to do film analysis and just study the messages conveyed in a film. It interests me beyond explanation. I used to be excited to get film assignments...it was my passion and still is. No matter how challenging the film is, or how boring, it doesn't feel like a task to research it.

But now...I don't even have the time to watch movies, let alone churn out energy to write about movies.

Ain't it sad? And I  haven't even watched enough movies and films to be deemed as a good film critic yet.

All I'm saying is...

I want to be more analytical!!!

At work, I also get very defensive most of the time with my big boss, mainly because sometimes, I just don't like being challenged. I personally feel really bad but I really don't know who I can confide in. 

On top of that, I'm trying to cope with stress and I guess, me shouting back at my boss the other day made me look really bad, although I don't think I'm completely at fault. 

I've been with my company for about more than 6 months now and I guess more is expected of me. Sadly, even I am disappointed with myself and thus, how can I expect others to actually have faith in me?

Driving in positive thoughts into my mind is not easy at all and they say that we need to think positive to attract the positive energy.

Honestly, I think I'm a failure right now and I'm trying so so hard to bounce back.

I wish I could do something to proof to myself that I am of value and is worth living in this world known as employment and job but til now, I'm still struggling.

On a more positive note, I remind myself that this is a learning curve, a process that I (and perhaps everyone else) will have to go through in order to mature into a butterfly. 

But it's really a painful process because it erodes your confidence and to fight that feeling and stand on solid ground again...it's really difficult. I guess it's never easy breaking out of the cocoon. 

I regret a lot of things that I've said and done...

I never regretted things that I did before until I started working.

I used to be sure of life

But now I'm undone.

I guess I was naive back then...

Still quite naive now.

I just need that strength to stand up again...

With Lotsa Love

TammyC

Tomorrow is a new day

I shall learn to live the moment and enjoy the happy

DEMOTIVATED

I guess I have a weird kind of stress these few days after scolding my boss and screwing up a project.
Bloody idiot~!
I am really lost at what I'm doing to be honest.

As a person who has grown up to be famous for being messy and disorganized, I always laugh at myself for ending up in a job that requires organization skills for others.
Sad truth is, sometimes I find it hard organizing my own life and now I have to help other people get their things organized and on schedule.
I've been clueless many times and these few days, I'm not only clueless in life, but also in what I'm doing.
Sigh...

But I guess the saying that "If you think you have to know everything before you start, you are obviously clueless" is quite true to a certain extend.
We will never get started if we want to know all about something before we start because the truth is, we can never know everything if we don't start. Besides, there is always things to learn.

I think that I'm getting demotivated and very lazy these few days because I do not know what to do and how to proceed with things.
I hate that feeling. I hate feeling lazy and clueless. It makes me procrastinate.

I think I will have to start pushing myself further, get motivated or something.
How? I really don't know.
I am still dwelling on that day, last week, whereby I screwed up.

Some people I don't get and I guess, will not get.

Oh God help me go through this road bump. The car is not moving...

With Lotsa Love
TammyC
May this week be a new one with a smoother road.