Perhaps I am just not good enough.
That's why I will mess up my hair when I face difficulties.
I have personal issues to overcome - one is to keep my cool when under stress.
Seriously, I have this problem of not being able to think when things get rough. It is something that I tried learning to overcome, but I just can't.
If all my colleagues can keep their cool when they are stressed out, I think I'm the over-dramatic one who can't do it. It's all in my face.
Sometimes, it is really not the job.
It's the feeling that you don't know the outcome - whether it is right or wrong.
It is the feeling of uncertainty that drives me nuts.
I am never a risk taker and putting me in a position of risking others is a huge huge huge stress breaker for me.
Every campaign I run comes with a failure rate.
The 'failure' is what I am worried about. They say, fail to learn...but I am that kinda person who is most worried to fall, because I am those who are so worried about consequences. That's another reason why I can't be in business, besides the fact that I am not driven by money.
Maybe I am not good enough. That's why I have all these craziness in me.
For now, maybe I am the only person who cries the most in the office and perhaps I'm the craziest.
Sometimes, I wish I could be as cool and level headed as the rest of the girls.
They just somehow knows what to do and how to do it and me? More often than not, clueless without a direction.
Fooling around is just a way to hide insecurities that I myself can't really describe.
Today started rough.
Lack of sleep and tonnes of things to finish and worry about and not to mention, speculate. It is very difficult to not think the worst out of a situation, due to inexperience. I still feel that I am not good enough for my job....really...I am always clueless and I don't know what to do most of the time.
Perhaps my position is to allow me to move and progress but I really am having difficulties feeling unworthy of the spot. You know what I mean?
And I just don't know who to tell...
My family doesn't really care much about what I do at work.
Perhaps to them, my job ain't even worth talking about, unlike my sis's profession which is regarded as 'professional'.
At home, no one really cares about my job and so, my passion for what I do can only be shared among colleagues. My venting - also among colleagues.
It is quite tiring sometimes. That's why I Facebook so much hahaha.
When I am sad, I seriously have no one to turn to at home, except perhaps my mum.
Sometimes, now, it somehow feels that my colleagues and friends are my family. My family are just friends whom I visit every once a while. I can tell you that I am most myself with my friends and they get me even more than perhaps my family members. It could be wrong to say this...but it is true.
That's also the reason why that when I am sad, I find a friend to turn to instead.
I am 24. And I really hope I will grow and mature.
No matter how many times I tell myself that I need to change and be more cool when dealing with s***ty situations, I just can't.
Tomorrow is a new day and even before it starts, I am already burdened by the client's meeting.
My fingers are crossed and I pray for the best.
TammyC
