CHAPPITY CHAP...RAPPITY RAP...MAINLY CRAP

It's been too long...

I forgot how it's like to have my fingers pumped up with only pure energy, mind filled with inspiration, and have words just flowing through the fingertips to the keypads, generating lines of alphabets that expresses what I am thinking and what I wanted to say.

Time constraints make it hard for people to contribute to blogs. I wonder how some people does it. I have so many things I wanted to say in my blog but everyday,  I feel drained out of energy after my day at work and multiple Facebook page checking. What a life....a life filled with nothing but just constant worries about work. But then again, it's really tough for me when I have no work to worry about. Life is about finding balance and sometimes, IT IS SO HARD TO FIND THE BALANCE!

Today is one of those off days for me; in fact, let's just say these few days.

I was all hyped up and re-energized over the weekend, but I guess my hormones got the better of me and I'm left with feeling all so down and moody, but trying to keep things going with a forced happy smile on my face. Some people might call this situation, feeling 'emo', which I totally don't get, but ya, I guess feeling 'emo' is when you suddenly feel so friggin' down and your mind only thinks of all worst possible things and just couldn't see any light. I dislike the term 'emo' but I think that doesn't fit my personality, so I guess I'll stick to the term 'hormonal-mood-swings-due-to-the-time-of-the-month'.

Symptoms:

I feel like nobody in the world likes me

I hate myself 

I couldn't stand myself

I just want to sleep and do nothing

I can't think straight

I get overly sensitive about what others think or say (perhaps not even about me)

Today was another hectic day; due to lack of sleep + aunty's visit, I practically can't function after 3PM. All my emails were crappy, my tone of voice like an evil witch, which I believe made some people think that I'm a patronizing bitch and control freak woman, who just gives orders without compassion. Am I? Sigh....I hate being the freak that gives orders. I hate having to chase people and nag people about stuff....but darn, that's my job! How? And I try to say as many Thank You and Sorry for troubling as possible, but I guess that doesn't cut it, huh?

Had to deal with a 'black-faced' bulldude these two days and seriously, why do I need to take those sort of attitude? What did I do wrong? If I ask because I do not know something, does that mean I'm at fault for not being as 'smart' as you? It is really my first time and I had to ensure that things go well - so ya, you've done it multiple, or ya a gazillion times before and so, can't I be a bit agitated and on my toes on my first? I mean I had to ask and be sure and why is that a problem that deserve that arrogance on your pathetic face? I hope that this is the last time that I have to deal with that sorta attitude, because honestly....I don't know if I can take it anymore. I hate feeling stupid and useless and intimidated by people like that.

And I never understand why I'm that kinda person who cares so much about what other people think about me, when I guess, the most common sense tells us that IT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER. Today, I keep speculating how the guests would think of what I said earlier etc etc...pains my head really. On normal days, I guess I'd just say, "F it, you don't need to give a darn...", but today is not a normal day. My head wonders and ponders on the consequences of my words and actions...and do I look like a kid? Don't even get me started on me looking like a kid...Although I like it sometimes, sometimes I just HATE THAT I LOOK LIKE A KID BECAUSE I AM NEVER TAKEN SERIOUSLY AND IS ALWAYS UNDERESTIMATED.

Life is tough; which I guess is good.

I guess all I need right now on such a moody day is to chip in some time to blog and vent; and cook myself underneath my comfortable warm blanket on such a cold day. Ah....heavens.

May next week and January be better and more bearable. January 2011 is spelt HELL.

Nite folks.

May 'He' be with me.

With Lotsa Love

TammyC

HIGH HILLS

Bukit Tinggi is beautiful.

Nice view. Its French-European concept reminds me of Liverpool, but less cool since we're only confined to a few metres of city space.

The only thing that freaks me out about travelling up to Bukit Tinggi is the ride and car sickness up the hill.

The rest of the trip was almost perfect.

Great place, great people, great food. Love outings like these.

It wasn't really all holiday because we had company training on the hill top as well.

We had some time for leisure (basically, just chit-chatting), but the craziest was just driving all the way up to Genting Highlands after dinner. It wasn't a bad idea although I suffered through the journey up and down haha. I love the chilly nights up in Genting; reminds me of some great times. 

The worst experience, although kinda cool, was vomiting in front of Colmar Tropicale.

My colleague and I were both suffering from severe car sickness and once we got out of the car, both of us started throwing up our dinner and the Starbucks coffee we had up in Genting. Excellent but the small of our crap was phunky! Haha.

I guess part of the reason I enjoy the trip, and more and more my job is that I realized that I treat all my colleagues like part of a family. Even if it's a family with flaws and disagreement, there are happy moments spent together. 

Times like these sorta make me feel that the lows in my life are all temporary because right now, I', happy with  a different view of things - a happier one. I'm learning each day new things and also realizing that I can learn to love things I never knew existed. I mean, I still face the occasional challenge and is held back by procrastination, generally, I am loving what I do, I really am.

I might not say it in front of my colleagues, because I'm never comfortable expressing deep felt feelings and emotions when unnecessary...but I seriously enjoy every minute I have with them although occasionally, they bug the crap outta me haha.

It's amazing how they all managed to slowly change me into someone different - I feel for the better for myself, to see things from various perspectives and now, I'm trying to learn how to see things from a larger picture. I'm not there yet as I'm still learning every single day and if previously I said I have no job satisfaction, I have now because every single day I live with a purpose. I head to work knowing exactly what I need and what to do for the day and when unexpected things pop up, every screwing I get, anything that pulls me down...at the end of the day, most of the time taught me lessons that I truly appreciates. 

I'm still quite a negative person, despite my upbeat, carefree personality...

I still lack confidence....

I have many weaknesses that I wish I could erase...

But where I am now highlights all these to me and with time, I hope that I can continue to improve and be better.

Besides home, my office is another place I feel that I belong - my second home.

And honestly, how many can say that.

Overtime, the struggles and pains and challenges and scoldings I got from my bosses and clients, all these are experiences that I will never forget.

And as I move along, I realized how much they all mean to me. We are like a family; each with our own personality and uniqueness, and that makes the team special.

I'm amazed that people can argue and disagree with each other and then reconcile as if nothing happened. I always believe that a good and strong team consists of people who can deal with each other on a daily basis, despite disagreements and arguments. And I guess I'm privileged to be part of such a team.

I'm also very blessed to know that I'm working with people who cares for me.

I hope I'm not a victim of the "plastics"; many people say I'm naive and gullible and tend to trust people too easily, but I sincerely feel that they all truly care for me. 

That being said, nothing lasts forever. Roses wither. Our bed of roses could just fade into a pile of dead petals.

People change. Perhaps one day, we can't stand each other anymore and just have to move on.

But at this very moment, I'll preserve the happy memories we had - the good times we all spend together as a team, as friends, as a family consisting of Mamasan, Papasan, seniors and aunties hahaha. :)

I'm a person who always go with wind.

I've things I've always wanted to do for myself, but I guess, there are also things that other people do for me and for that, worth the sacrifice.

Will remember the crazy 'pops', the Glees, the sing-along song sessions, the gossips about whatever crap there is that's none of our business
(My two kakis at work, my days will be a tad duller without them)

Will remember my lovely, loud and funny 'mamasan' a.k.a. female boss a.k.a. the big big sister I never had
(Swear words never come out so funny)

Will remember the serious but also goofy BIG boss who sometimes remind me of my dad 
(Better say the brother I never had to avoid a pay-cut, in case anyone comes across this) 

My senior...the seniorita in white...

Bubble (dog in the bag)

The partly dysfunctional family

and 

Sheerry, our accounts lady who has yet to take a photo with me. :)

With Lotsa Love,

TammyC

Tiny booth and holding hands

Everyday as I walk out from my condo's entrance, i'd see a security guard guarding the housing area opposite our condo. Most of the time, he attracts my attention. If u r guessing that i'm rambling again abt another hottie, then u r wrong. He attracts my attention because of his relationship with his son. Every morning and sometimes after work, depending on his shift, i'm blessed with a sight of warm love between a father and a son. I remember once, his son was singing with him inside the tiny security booth. Aww that is one of the sweetest moments i've witnessed. Sometimes, I see both of them holding hands, walking down the slope, perhaps heading home. I think to myself, both of them must be the happiest people alive. I guess sometimes we define happiness with material items, but I truly believe that the happiest moments can only be defined by spending time and being with the people u love and care abt the most. Our happiness when we buy a prada or gucci last only perhaps until the time we want a new louis vuitton. But time spent with someone we love preserve itself in the form of memories. I believe that little boy will grow up with fond memories of him and his daddy in the booth and holding his daddy's big hands as they head home after daddy's long tiring day. No offense but I dun think the father and son are extremely rich, but I have a strong feeling that they are extremely happy and contented. I guess sometimes, that's also the thing that matters most. And i'm glad that I too have had some really fond memories with my parents. I'm blessed. With lotsa love, TammyC

OVER THE YEARS

I realized that kids grow up different from how they used to be when they are little I guess.

Looking back, I wasn't the same 7-year-old kid back then. 

I've become more outspoken and talkative as compared to a shy me back then.

It's amazing how people change through the years.

I've come to conclude that the people I meet throughout my life and circumstances around me made me who I am today - good or bad, I'm moulded and shaped by the people I encounter and perhaps sometimes, what I went through.

Every single person I meet in my life have taught me something, whether I love or dislike, I believe I got something out of that relationship. 

I'm happy these few days because I realized that, I can say now that although my life is kinda stressful, I'm beginning to get used to it and I can actually say, I kinda like what I'm doing. 

I am once again happy and contented with life.

People change.

When I see naughty, stubborn and rude kids, I wonder if that's what they'll be like in 5 years time.

You could be surprised. They might turn over 180 degrees. This is a personal experience - not me, but someone close to me.

You don't know what happened, or who changed them, but they just became such a lovable kid as they grow up.

So I guess we should never hold grudges (easy to say, hard to do), because the person we know now, might be different the next time you see them.

But then again, if the person continue to suck, by all means, boycott them.

That is all. 

With Lotsa Love,
TammyC

I'VE FALLEN IN LOVE AGAIN WITH HOLIDAYS

There are different types of trips and I guess before you sign up for any, you need to make sure you know exactly which type you sign up for. 

Here are the few types of trips that I've identified:

Family trips:- The whole family, mum and dad, sis and bro are all involved. Some bigger family trips involve even aunts and uncles. Basically, the objective of this trip is to strengthen family ties. I used to join loads of these trips when I was younger. I guess it's time to plan for another family trip soon.

Couple trips:- The most romantic type of trip where a boy and girl, girl and girl or guy and guy hangs out together. The duo could be dating, married or just friends but the couple trip is basically just for two people. But if you ask me, couple trips cater for 2 romantically inclined souls. So usually during couple trips, couples become intimate and their relationship should grow stronger. Best spots for couple trips would be beaches and romantic spots, but then of course it depends on the couple. One thing I know for sure is that, if you are single, NEVER EVER PARTICIPATE IN A COUPLE TRIP because "WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO BE A LIGHTBULB?"

Girls' trips:- This is a trip where all the single ladies would join just to have a good girl time. This is the trip where a bunch of girl friends can hang out, let their hair down, set yourself loose and perhaps forget about boys. It's a feel good trip where you just chill and do things girls love doing...Oh well, perhaps if one of them gets lucky, you could help be a wing man to set her up too..

Gang trip:- A bunch of students hanging out and just having a blast. This is a trip where a group of friends go wild and crazy. Usually extremely fun! It is most common for college/university students to organize gang trips and it is very fun because during this stage, you are young, free and adventurous - so the whole bunch would do crazy things and tryout cool stuff. 

Solitary trips:- For those who just want to spend some time alone and get away from others or the world around you. I've yet tried out solitary trips but I think I'm going to need one real soon. Sometimes, I guess I just need a break from everyone, from everything around me - I just want to be alone with the beach. Go to a place where no one knows me....just me.

I've been to all of the trips above, except the solitary trips.

Every single one of them special and fun, in their own ways, although on the couple trip, I learned that I was the brightest lightbulb ever.

I had a blast over the weekend to Ipoh and Penang - one of the best trips ever!!

I satisfied my taste buds by eating the best Penang and Ipoh food.

I got to relaxed by the beach.

Life was great 2 days ago.

I realized that holiday is mandatory because it helps rejuvenate and escape from the hustle and bustle of life. I think life is most of the time stressful and sometimes, you feel that it's meaningless, but I guess that going for holidays help you escape the harsh reality that work life brings you...it's like you've flown away to fantasy land or something, where there is just nothing worth worrying about. 

It's like I've forgotten how great holidays feel.

I've fallen in love again with holidays.

With Lotsa Love,

TammyC

Looking forward to the next relaxing holiday

PENANG-IPOH YEAH!

Woohoo! 

Finally a holiday that I can shout happily about!

Am currently in Penang with my boss and colleague; it really is a girls' trip - just us, food and the beach! 

Went to Gurney Drive and I'm soooooooooo happy.

Every time I set foot on this island, it is compulsory that I visit Gurney Drive to savour the food. I really love the food there and I don't understand why over the years, people find that place uninteresting. I mean, I can never get enough of Gurney Drive - the atmosphere, the colours and sounds of the place and the variety of food glaring in front of me, seducing me into trying out each and every single dish served. It is Penang's identity. If one missed 

Started off our trip at around 10am and we dropped by Ipoh (my hometown) for a taste of some  infamous  steamed chicken and kuey teow. So ya, NEVER LEAVE IPOH without trying the steamed chicken, bean sprouts & kuey teow. As an Ipoh girl, I've never really appreciated the steamed chicken, the bean sprouts & kuey teow, and never really thought about how easily accessible these dishes were until I moved to KL. Now, imagine, I'd actually drive almost 3 hours just to get a taste of that when previously, it was just a 15 min drive away. I should have stocked more in my stomach to last me 30 years. 

Anyway, I've never seen the place that packed before. It is amazing and an eye-opener for me. Most of the people who dined in the restaurant were from KL, (most of the car plates indicated KL-Lites). It's amazing really to know that many many many people make road-trips down to Ipoh just for a taste of delicious.

Haha.

So after a heavy lunch, we still made way for some dessert and Funny Mountain for some Soya Bean drink and "Taufu fah" (Taufu with sweet syrup - one famous local dessert).

My God, brings back loads of memories.

This place called "Funny Mountain" has been operating for years and has been serving the best Taufu fah in Ipoh. The best is that it is drive-through. Basically, you park your car by the roadside, and then there will be a waiter getting your orders. They'll send over your orders and you can just enjoy your dessert in the comfort of your car. 

It was my dad's favourite place - we use to go there every week.

This trip back, really brought back memories of those good old days where daddy drove us around town every Sunday for lunch; except now, I'm all grown up and driving a car!!

After a satisfying lunch, it was time to conquer Penang!!!!

When we reached, we head straight to Gurney Drive and I am so happy that I found the taste of  Laksa that I've been searching for! Honestly, why would anyone say that Gurney Drive's food is not nice?

So after Gurney Drive, we are faced with the challenge of locating our hotel. 

We know it's along the main road of Batu Feringgi - but had no idea where exactly. So up we drove, swerving the twist and turns of the long and winding road and finally............we made it!!!!!!

The place is gorgeous...simple with a Japanese touch.

I love that it's so near the beach.

It's perfect for relaxation, and that's just what we need - to get our minds off work and just focus on having loads of fun that is not tiring. 

I guess I love an escapade like this - just myself and a few close friends.

Nothing else.

Perfect.

Sometimes the simplest things in life makes you the happiest.

With Lotsa Love,

TammyC

ps: Saw a lot of cute guys here man, but all unavailable...why? :P

  

I WAS ROBBED OFF MY WINDOW

It was a scary experience that I think is worth sharing.

It was my first time and it scarred me.

I knew the world is becoming a more and more dangerous place to live in but never really knew how scared one could be living in the world until 2 days ago, when my colleague was robbed off her bag, with both of us in the car.

I admit that I was never the most careful person on Earth - my bag is usually dangling carelessly around my arms unzipped, I'd be playing with my phone in the car, talking on my phone while crossing the roads etc...I guess although I know these are dangerous habits, I never really thought about changing them.

That day my colleague and I were in my car, heading towards town.

We stopped at the traffic lights and suddenly a motorcycle stopped next to my vehicle. Before I knew what was happening, my windows were smashed and the pillion grabbed my colleague's handbag from her lap. 

I remember looking into that evil, heartless dude's face as he broke my window into pieces of glass.

I remember the cracks of the shattering window.

I remember my colleague sobbing next to me as she screamed for her bag.

I remember myself feeling cold and scared, unable to think of what to do next.

It was so surreal. 

This is the first that I ever wished that that someone will suffer the wrath of hell, the torture of pain.

I never wished for anyone to go through such suffering but these set of thieves deserve the worst. 

I wouldn't be as mad if they stole my things secretly, leaving everyone emotionally and physically unscathed. But the fact that they broke my car window and robbed my colleague in broad daylight, in front of us makes them real a**es (excuse my language). The injected fear in people and effected people emotionally.

From this experience, I believe that we should all NOT put our handbags on our laps as it makes us easy targets. I'm so scared now that I tend to hide everything. I'm even scared to sit by the window at times. 

Seriously...

This is a messed up world. 

I'm worried that one day I won't know what being safe means anymore.

With Lotsa Love

TammyC

TO LOVE OR NOT

To not be able to be with someone you love , or to never have felt real love before...

Which one would you prefer?

Two stories,

One my own...

And another, told from my point of view.

I've seen people falling in love, getting into a relationship, and I've seen couples fall out of love.

Tough...

The sad truth is, people change and love seldom last forever.

But I guess real love does.

I've been single for 23 years, I guess you can say, the whole of my life.

When I was in my teens, I never thought about loneliness because the truth is, I'm blessed with love from friends and family. Never before I felt the need to have a man or a partner to understand me or something like that because I've so many partners in the form of family and friends.

As I grew older, and ventured into college life, I still was not pressured to find someone in my life because again, my mission was to complete my studies and do well. I mean, if it's destined that I'll meet someone, I wouldn't fight it,but then, I'm not the desperate type who insist of finding any float just so I can hang on to something and look like I'm swimming.

Now that I hit 23 and with practically everyone around me in a relationship, can I still say the same?

Mum has been pressuring, aunts and uncles asking....

"It's time...", they say.

But how  would they know? Because I don't.

I haven't found that person who got me going head over heels and confident that he is the one I want to spend with the rest of my life.

I think finding your love is more than just going to pubs, clubs and bars and then dive into a relationship based on what...looks? sexual attractions? 

Or just going out there to hang on to someone just because you need to at least have someone to hold...those are temporary ...it will hurt when it ends someday...

It seems like it helps you get over the moment, but I guess what follows is a series of guilt and regrets.

Am I pressured...well, to a certain extend yes...

But am I going to just settle with anyone just because of that...no.

I don't want to get hurt and I don't want to hurt others.

Until I feel secure with a person, I think there;s no way I'm surrendering. 

There are no guarantees, because love doesn't last forever.

But...why can some people make it?

Why can I see two white haired couple holding hands in parks, telling each other tales, and the look in their eyes still full of admiration for each other...

What did they did right that Hollywood couples failed to do?

I think what they did is understand that love is about accepting each other for who they are, and accepting the weakness of that person and learn to love it, not so much change it, although sometimes, a good partner can change you to a better person. I think strong relationship is based on respect, as well as trust, but most important is undying love. A strong relationship is when your partner is family - to an extend where divorce is not even possible, not even an option (you won't see yourself divorcing your mother/father, would you?)

Perhaps I have an ideal vision of how my relationship would be and perhaps it won't turn out the way I thought. No matter how certain you are, there's always some things that could happen, and could change everything.

But I believe, and hope that one day, I'll find a person who would have almost the same thoughts as me and accept all my weaknesses from day 1, till the day of my last breath.

The story above leads me to the fact that I've never really loved someone before.

Oh of course there were times in which I had crushes, but those were infatuation that lasted for merely few months, longest perhaps 2 years.

I guess it is a feeling that would fade away through time...to be honest, could that infatuation flamed to be love through time? I don't know. But none happened for me. Mine all turned into ashes...

How do I differentiate love and crush? I don't know.

So if I've never really loved someone, I won't know how it feels like to love, to sacrifice all I got for that person...and believe me, I really want to feel that feeling of selflessness, which I've yet feel. 

I think I've been selfish all my life, I've always loved myself more than others...

I really want to find someone that I'd happily put him before myself...

Over the weekend, I understand that love can't be forced.

It's a sad thing that one person just cannot love you back. It's unfair but feelings can't be forced. That's the sad truth.

I'm torn in between two friends whom I cared about dearly.

What happened between them is a case where one tangoed while the other tried, but can't. Tried...but can't.

At the end of the day, do you feel blessed that you've loved someone and learned to let go, or would you rather have not loved before. 

I do not know which is better...

To have loved, or to never have felt real love before..

But then again, how do one define.

With Lotsa Love,

TammyC

WALLS THAT FELL ON ME

If you push the walls down on me

I'll shield myself

But if someone shields me from the walls,

I will stand up and push the walls away from that person.

So don't you try to demolish the wall on me

I'll be defensive

That's second nature

A destroyer

Not a builder

Dilapidating spirits

You push people down

Have strengths

But I can't take the weakness

I struggling through the debris of the collapse

The misunderstanding that fell upon me 

It was misinterpreted

But can never be right

Different definition of taking the front role

You don't mold 

Or unfold what's hidden

You bring out the worst

No respect for someone 

Who butchers me...

Who doesn't tell me that the wall built is not strong

Who only tell me when it's about to collapse

And helps by pushing those bricks on me

Am I supposed to know how to build a fort?

Yes, I guess

Disappointment..

At myself

For not knowing

I don't have to take all these

If it's not for integrity and dignity

For family

For I want to take the challenge

The only great thing is that I shall get up 

Find my way out beneath the heap of rocky remnants of the ruins

Use my delicate hands to wade through 

My hands shall be roughen by the rocks

But I will make it through

I'll learn to build the next fort...

And then a castle

And try to make sure that they don't fall

And perhaps,
I'll do it my way

With Lotsa Love

TammyC

TALK ABOUT RANDOM

Challenge: Feel like I can't move on with the hardship that I'm facing. I feel week and useless. Feel like evading but I know I need to push through it.


Glee: One thing I look forward to every week now to keep my mind off things.


Supernatural: It's been so long since I last watch it. 


TV series: It takes up a lot of your time and you get lazy, neglecting a lot of things you need to do.


Mercedes Jones: If you don't know her, she is a character in Glee. She can sing!


Dreams: Sometimes they just seem so far away and unreachable. Sometimes, dreams are what gets you living.


Jensen Ackles: Is still hot.


Entrepreneurship: I am still trying to find the business side of me; I don't know when or whether or not it's there, but we'll see when it comes.


Travel: What I want to do for life!




Counting the days...
I'm going back to where I belong. :)


Talk about random.


With Lotsa Love
Tammy 

FAILURE TO LAUNCH

Going through another insecure rough patch.

I guess I'm never the type who keeps happy memories in record. I only write when I'm sad.

I guess I just need a channel to vent and perhaps I do not feel comfortable sharing with anyone, except oh well, a blank sheet of blog post, waiting to be emotionally filled up.

On the surface, it seems that I am a person who has many people around me...

Perhaps it's true but how can one feel so alone when there are actually so many people who cares for me?

I guess I'm one selfish b**** who is never really contented.

I shall be grateful and I am trying to look at everything more positively.

Lately, I've been managing a client and to be honest, I think I'm doing a pretty lousy job.

I always have an excuse and that is probably my biggest weakness - my excuse: "I hate organizing other people's lives!"

It's not want I love to do because I can barely manage my own life and now I'm handling other people; planning their projects and making certain that things are executed on schedule. But like I said, it is my excuse of not doing a good job and I know it and I think I am really disappointed in myself for constantly trying to escape.

But what disappoints me most is my own inability to be more analytical. My client pointed out to me that he doesn't need someone who just execute things without giving a more in-depth thought into the purpose or the objective of the actions. You know what, no matter how I want to defend myself, I think he is right.... 

I used to be proud that I can watch a movie and analyze the themes and elements. It is a passion of mine to do film analysis and just study the messages conveyed in a film. It interests me beyond explanation. I used to be excited to get film assignments...it was my passion and still is. No matter how challenging the film is, or how boring, it doesn't feel like a task to research it.

But now...I don't even have the time to watch movies, let alone churn out energy to write about movies.

Ain't it sad? And I  haven't even watched enough movies and films to be deemed as a good film critic yet.

All I'm saying is...

I want to be more analytical!!!

At work, I also get very defensive most of the time with my big boss, mainly because sometimes, I just don't like being challenged. I personally feel really bad but I really don't know who I can confide in. 

On top of that, I'm trying to cope with stress and I guess, me shouting back at my boss the other day made me look really bad, although I don't think I'm completely at fault. 

I've been with my company for about more than 6 months now and I guess more is expected of me. Sadly, even I am disappointed with myself and thus, how can I expect others to actually have faith in me?

Driving in positive thoughts into my mind is not easy at all and they say that we need to think positive to attract the positive energy.

Honestly, I think I'm a failure right now and I'm trying so so hard to bounce back.

I wish I could do something to proof to myself that I am of value and is worth living in this world known as employment and job but til now, I'm still struggling.

On a more positive note, I remind myself that this is a learning curve, a process that I (and perhaps everyone else) will have to go through in order to mature into a butterfly. 

But it's really a painful process because it erodes your confidence and to fight that feeling and stand on solid ground again...it's really difficult. I guess it's never easy breaking out of the cocoon. 

I regret a lot of things that I've said and done...

I never regretted things that I did before until I started working.

I used to be sure of life

But now I'm undone.

I guess I was naive back then...

Still quite naive now.

I just need that strength to stand up again...

With Lotsa Love

TammyC

Tomorrow is a new day

I shall learn to live the moment and enjoy the happy

DEMOTIVATED

I guess I have a weird kind of stress these few days after scolding my boss and screwing up a project.
Bloody idiot~!
I am really lost at what I'm doing to be honest.

As a person who has grown up to be famous for being messy and disorganized, I always laugh at myself for ending up in a job that requires organization skills for others.
Sad truth is, sometimes I find it hard organizing my own life and now I have to help other people get their things organized and on schedule.
I've been clueless many times and these few days, I'm not only clueless in life, but also in what I'm doing.
Sigh...

But I guess the saying that "If you think you have to know everything before you start, you are obviously clueless" is quite true to a certain extend.
We will never get started if we want to know all about something before we start because the truth is, we can never know everything if we don't start. Besides, there is always things to learn.

I think that I'm getting demotivated and very lazy these few days because I do not know what to do and how to proceed with things.
I hate that feeling. I hate feeling lazy and clueless. It makes me procrastinate.

I think I will have to start pushing myself further, get motivated or something.
How? I really don't know.
I am still dwelling on that day, last week, whereby I screwed up.

Some people I don't get and I guess, will not get.

Oh God help me go through this road bump. The car is not moving...

With Lotsa Love
TammyC
May this week be a new one with a smoother road.

CHANGE

They say that it's difficult dealing with changes.

Oh so true.

These few days, I feel that I've been bombarded with changes...

Changes in life, the things and people around me...

I've come to realize again the sad truth that everything is only temporary, even good things.

Before we know it, the soft bed of roses decays into what's left if not only the thorny stems before the buds bloom again...God knows when.

When things turn rosy again, I always wish that it could last forever. But who am I kidding, it's a bed of roses, not a bed of fake roses.

Within a few weeks, I suddenly felt that I've lost everything of meaning to me.

Perhaps I've fail to look at the positive, but I feel that things were not the same again and there's a hollowness inside.

It wasn't as I thought it would be or was anymore...and it's hurting in a weird sorta insecure way.

I've felt alone before, like perhaps no one understands me anymore.

I feel that perhaps, my presence is not needed. I feel that perhaps, I could just go....

Run far away where no one knows me, so that I could just start again and this time, just observe.

I hate feeling like you have so many people around you, and yet, there's nobody.

I think I'm fooling myself if I believe that there's someone out there who gets me more than I get myself....how naive........

I feel like I've lost grasp on things I love most.

Perhaps that's why I feel companies slipping away and loneliness seeping in.

Maybe I've also changed in ways I don't know.

I guess memories are something that we try to hold on to but perhaps can never fully do.

It fades with time...only the best memories last, but we can never relive because it will never be the same again no matter what we tell ourselves.

It can be the same place, or same person, or same object...but it will never be the same time and definitely, won't be the same moment because every moment gives you a different feeling. You feel different mainly because of....

Change..........

Inevitable, change....

Like Carrie Underwood says in her song...

"This is my temporary home..."

One day, I'll find eternal happiness, and not loneliness.

For now, I'll do what I do best...

"Smile"

But then again, perhaps I've changed......

With Lotsa Love

TammyC