It's been too long...
I forgot how it's like to have my fingers pumped up with only pure energy, mind filled with inspiration, and have words just flowing through the fingertips to the keypads, generating lines of alphabets that expresses what I am thinking and what I wanted to say.
Time constraints make it hard for people to contribute to blogs. I wonder how some people does it. I have so many things I wanted to say in my blog but everyday, I feel drained out of energy after my day at work and multiple Facebook page checking. What a life....a life filled with nothing but just constant worries about work. But then again, it's really tough for me when I have no work to worry about. Life is about finding balance and sometimes, IT IS SO HARD TO FIND THE BALANCE!
Today is one of those off days for me; in fact, let's just say these few days.
I was all hyped up and re-energized over the weekend, but I guess my hormones got the better of me and I'm left with feeling all so down and moody, but trying to keep things going with a forced happy smile on my face. Some people might call this situation, feeling 'emo', which I totally don't get, but ya, I guess feeling 'emo' is when you suddenly feel so friggin' down and your mind only thinks of all worst possible things and just couldn't see any light. I dislike the term 'emo' but I think that doesn't fit my personality, so I guess I'll stick to the term 'hormonal-mood-swings-due-to-the-time-of-the-month'.
Symptoms:
I feel like nobody in the world likes me
I hate myself
I couldn't stand myself
I just want to sleep and do nothing
I can't think straight
I get overly sensitive about what others think or say (perhaps not even about me)
Today was another hectic day; due to lack of sleep + aunty's visit, I practically can't function after 3PM. All my emails were crappy, my tone of voice like an evil witch, which I believe made some people think that I'm a patronizing bitch and control freak woman, who just gives orders without compassion. Am I? Sigh....I hate being the freak that gives orders. I hate having to chase people and nag people about stuff....but darn, that's my job! How? And I try to say as many Thank You and Sorry for troubling as possible, but I guess that doesn't cut it, huh?
Had to deal with a 'black-faced' bulldude these two days and seriously, why do I need to take those sort of attitude? What did I do wrong? If I ask because I do not know something, does that mean I'm at fault for not being as 'smart' as you? It is really my first time and I had to ensure that things go well - so ya, you've done it multiple, or ya a gazillion times before and so, can't I be a bit agitated and on my toes on my first? I mean I had to ask and be sure and why is that a problem that deserve that arrogance on your pathetic face? I hope that this is the last time that I have to deal with that sorta attitude, because honestly....I don't know if I can take it anymore. I hate feeling stupid and useless and intimidated by people like that.
And I never understand why I'm that kinda person who cares so much about what other people think about me, when I guess, the most common sense tells us that IT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER. Today, I keep speculating how the guests would think of what I said earlier etc etc...pains my head really. On normal days, I guess I'd just say, "F it, you don't need to give a darn...", but today is not a normal day. My head wonders and ponders on the consequences of my words and actions...and do I look like a kid? Don't even get me started on me looking like a kid...Although I like it sometimes, sometimes I just HATE THAT I LOOK LIKE A KID BECAUSE I AM NEVER TAKEN SERIOUSLY AND IS ALWAYS UNDERESTIMATED.
Life is tough; which I guess is good.
I guess all I need right now on such a moody day is to chip in some time to blog and vent; and cook myself underneath my comfortable warm blanket on such a cold day. Ah....heavens.
May next week and January be better and more bearable. January 2011 is spelt HELL.
Nite folks.
May 'He' be with me.
With Lotsa Love
TammyC
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