EXPRESSIONS @ 3AM

It's only words...

Sometimes, I wonder what's the line between venting and complaining and perhaps even bad-mouthing others.

To be honest, I do have a pretty loud and bitchy mouth sometimes, but, I never really meant every single word I said because most of the time, I was only influenced by emotions, causing my brain to not filter the words that fly out of my fat mouth.

It's bad, there's no excuse.

Every single time I set my mind to controlling my mouth, I tend to forgot and fall back to how I naturally am..LOUD, ANNOYING and a person who talks without thinking through.

I'm a person who wear my heart on my sleeves...I'm open about how I feel and I just say things as it is most of the time. I don't hide how I feel, unless necessary. I am brutally honest with people whom I like, and sometimes, too honest even with people I should not trust. 

At times, I really hate myself for being the person I am because I have so much to comment and say about others. I know I have my own weaknesses and yet, it's like my "job" to critic others, when it is not. I am just a critic! 

As I write this, I'm thinking about the times in which I've pointed out others' flaws and my dissatisfaction with them, when I guess I should learn to see the good in them, or if I can't, I should just keep my mouth zipped. 

I'd like to apologise, if in any way, my words have hurt anyone because I really did not mean to do it. My expressions were just a mere ventilation, to get things out of my chest due to frustrations. In the process, I might have went overboard with the choice and selection of words, and I guess, it has somehow crossed the borderline to the world of gossip. Gossip is interesting, but disastrous and unhealthy. 

Sometimes, there are certain characteristics in people that I might not be able to stand, and so, I just need to tell someone. I did not mean to judge or critic, because at the end of the day,  I still really love the people around me because they made me who I am today - whether for the better, or for worst. I'm not completely proud of who I am but I guess, I am not at all bad (I hope).

So sorry...And I will keep my mouth shut more often unless I'm playfully being sarcastic. :)

What do you get when you fall in love?

So ya...

Met up with a friend yesterday and again the question of whether or not I have a boyfriend pops up.

Last two weeks, my old high-school friend told me that another friend of mine is in a relationship. 

Last two weeks, I received a wedding invitation.

Just today, my colleague told me about her 'date' with a guy she kinda like.

So all these got me thinking...about, dang it...relationships!!! 

I'm 24 and I've been single all my life. Is there ANYTHING WRONG WITH ME?

AM I TOO BLOODY PICKY?! Hahahaha.

I guess I'm the kinda girl who wants to get it right the first time, and unless I'm pretty sure,  I don't think that I'd take any risks. 

There are two questions that people ALWAYS ASK ME...and yes, different people but the SAME QUESTIONS.

"Don't you ever want to date anyone?"

My answer is always simple, "I do when fates decide that I meet the right guy".

Yes, when I meet that person, I will, but definitely, at this stage of my life, I can guarantee that I won't just accept anyone just because I need to have a so-called 'boyfriend'. (Fast forward 10 years and when I'm still single, I might pull a different tale but let's leave that to future Tammy ya)

"Have you ever fallen in love with anyone before?/Is there any guy that have made your heart pound before?"

My answer is,  I don't know if I've fallen in love before because I can't define it.

As for guys that make my heart pound - 5! 

But I always wonder if a 'heart pound' means love or if it's just a mere crush that perhaps  will last 2 years maximum. 

Seriously, I've no feeling for any of my previous crushes anymore. They don't even know I have crushes on them, and I guess, I've also gotten over them and moved on. They are still my friends but I guess that's it.

There are mainly a few same problems with the dudes I crushed on: -

One (1): I just don't see how we can click/we are too different and so I don't see them as someone whom I can actually expressed myself to because I'm intimidated by them (so, they won't be my best friend and I want my guy to be my best friend :))

Two (2): They are always related to some other girls (rumoured to be dating, rumoured to have something on, or not available) 

Three (3): I always say stupid and RUDE things that might offend them and I can't help it. I just am quite nasty and COOL with the dudes I like. Most of the time, I won't initiate any conversation, unless they prompt it and I'll ride on that. If I'm friendly towards you, that means I totally DON'T HAVE A CRUSH ON YOU. :)

Somehow though, I really wish that they would have just approached and asked me if we can start something new...The truth is, I won't mind taking a chance if it's a crush.

I seriously won't...

I am not the kinda girl who can approach...and that's my weakness.

Most of the guys who asked me directly or indirectly are not really my type and I feel so bad that I just need to tell them indirectly that it won't work. But seriously, most of them are too shy to really move forward anyway...so it's ok. I just take it that my hint was noted and I try to avoid them as much as I can, so that things are less awkward. 

But I am still very happy with the way things are now, with my friends, family and my job...sometimes, I guess I don't feel the need to have a 'guy', I just need a good friend. Nevertheless, I won't lie and say that I've never not feel lonely. But then I think again, you can still have a boyfriend and feel lonely. A boyfriend/husband is not a solution to loneliness...but rather, having people you love around you - be it friends or family. Then again, I guess there'll come to a point where you will just need to face it that your friends will have family members of their own and your family members will slowly leave you too. And it will be then that you'd wish that you have someone to call your own. *lightbulb* Adoption!

I'm stuck in a job that I love and don't mind working hours for.

I'm in a job where I can still have fun, balance my life. People say I work till late and all, but the truth is, I enjoy it.

The weirdest thing is, I love my office sometimes. I love to work there. I don't mind going back to the office sometimes even on weekends. It's like my home. I'm NUTZZ I know!! But I love it!

I love my job, most of the time, I also love my colleagues. So, I'm married to my job! That's the sad truth. But we all know this relationship won't last...and until it does, I guess, I might not have a real relationship. Sometimes, I don't really mind, but sometimes, I secretly wish I could have both.

Tammy