WALLS THAT FELL ON ME

If you push the walls down on me

I'll shield myself

But if someone shields me from the walls,

I will stand up and push the walls away from that person.

So don't you try to demolish the wall on me

I'll be defensive

That's second nature

A destroyer

Not a builder

Dilapidating spirits

You push people down

Have strengths

But I can't take the weakness

I struggling through the debris of the collapse

The misunderstanding that fell upon me 

It was misinterpreted

But can never be right

Different definition of taking the front role

You don't mold 

Or unfold what's hidden

You bring out the worst

No respect for someone 

Who butchers me...

Who doesn't tell me that the wall built is not strong

Who only tell me when it's about to collapse

And helps by pushing those bricks on me

Am I supposed to know how to build a fort?

Yes, I guess

Disappointment..

At myself

For not knowing

I don't have to take all these

If it's not for integrity and dignity

For family

For I want to take the challenge

The only great thing is that I shall get up 

Find my way out beneath the heap of rocky remnants of the ruins

Use my delicate hands to wade through 

My hands shall be roughen by the rocks

But I will make it through

I'll learn to build the next fort...

And then a castle

And try to make sure that they don't fall

And perhaps,
I'll do it my way

With Lotsa Love

TammyC

TALK ABOUT RANDOM

Challenge: Feel like I can't move on with the hardship that I'm facing. I feel week and useless. Feel like evading but I know I need to push through it.


Glee: One thing I look forward to every week now to keep my mind off things.


Supernatural: It's been so long since I last watch it. 


TV series: It takes up a lot of your time and you get lazy, neglecting a lot of things you need to do.


Mercedes Jones: If you don't know her, she is a character in Glee. She can sing!


Dreams: Sometimes they just seem so far away and unreachable. Sometimes, dreams are what gets you living.


Jensen Ackles: Is still hot.


Entrepreneurship: I am still trying to find the business side of me; I don't know when or whether or not it's there, but we'll see when it comes.


Travel: What I want to do for life!




Counting the days...
I'm going back to where I belong. :)


Talk about random.


With Lotsa Love
Tammy 

FAILURE TO LAUNCH

Going through another insecure rough patch.

I guess I'm never the type who keeps happy memories in record. I only write when I'm sad.

I guess I just need a channel to vent and perhaps I do not feel comfortable sharing with anyone, except oh well, a blank sheet of blog post, waiting to be emotionally filled up.

On the surface, it seems that I am a person who has many people around me...

Perhaps it's true but how can one feel so alone when there are actually so many people who cares for me?

I guess I'm one selfish b**** who is never really contented.

I shall be grateful and I am trying to look at everything more positively.

Lately, I've been managing a client and to be honest, I think I'm doing a pretty lousy job.

I always have an excuse and that is probably my biggest weakness - my excuse: "I hate organizing other people's lives!"

It's not want I love to do because I can barely manage my own life and now I'm handling other people; planning their projects and making certain that things are executed on schedule. But like I said, it is my excuse of not doing a good job and I know it and I think I am really disappointed in myself for constantly trying to escape.

But what disappoints me most is my own inability to be more analytical. My client pointed out to me that he doesn't need someone who just execute things without giving a more in-depth thought into the purpose or the objective of the actions. You know what, no matter how I want to defend myself, I think he is right.... 

I used to be proud that I can watch a movie and analyze the themes and elements. It is a passion of mine to do film analysis and just study the messages conveyed in a film. It interests me beyond explanation. I used to be excited to get film assignments...it was my passion and still is. No matter how challenging the film is, or how boring, it doesn't feel like a task to research it.

But now...I don't even have the time to watch movies, let alone churn out energy to write about movies.

Ain't it sad? And I  haven't even watched enough movies and films to be deemed as a good film critic yet.

All I'm saying is...

I want to be more analytical!!!

At work, I also get very defensive most of the time with my big boss, mainly because sometimes, I just don't like being challenged. I personally feel really bad but I really don't know who I can confide in. 

On top of that, I'm trying to cope with stress and I guess, me shouting back at my boss the other day made me look really bad, although I don't think I'm completely at fault. 

I've been with my company for about more than 6 months now and I guess more is expected of me. Sadly, even I am disappointed with myself and thus, how can I expect others to actually have faith in me?

Driving in positive thoughts into my mind is not easy at all and they say that we need to think positive to attract the positive energy.

Honestly, I think I'm a failure right now and I'm trying so so hard to bounce back.

I wish I could do something to proof to myself that I am of value and is worth living in this world known as employment and job but til now, I'm still struggling.

On a more positive note, I remind myself that this is a learning curve, a process that I (and perhaps everyone else) will have to go through in order to mature into a butterfly. 

But it's really a painful process because it erodes your confidence and to fight that feeling and stand on solid ground again...it's really difficult. I guess it's never easy breaking out of the cocoon. 

I regret a lot of things that I've said and done...

I never regretted things that I did before until I started working.

I used to be sure of life

But now I'm undone.

I guess I was naive back then...

Still quite naive now.

I just need that strength to stand up again...

With Lotsa Love

TammyC

Tomorrow is a new day

I shall learn to live the moment and enjoy the happy

DEMOTIVATED

I guess I have a weird kind of stress these few days after scolding my boss and screwing up a project.
Bloody idiot~!
I am really lost at what I'm doing to be honest.

As a person who has grown up to be famous for being messy and disorganized, I always laugh at myself for ending up in a job that requires organization skills for others.
Sad truth is, sometimes I find it hard organizing my own life and now I have to help other people get their things organized and on schedule.
I've been clueless many times and these few days, I'm not only clueless in life, but also in what I'm doing.
Sigh...

But I guess the saying that "If you think you have to know everything before you start, you are obviously clueless" is quite true to a certain extend.
We will never get started if we want to know all about something before we start because the truth is, we can never know everything if we don't start. Besides, there is always things to learn.

I think that I'm getting demotivated and very lazy these few days because I do not know what to do and how to proceed with things.
I hate that feeling. I hate feeling lazy and clueless. It makes me procrastinate.

I think I will have to start pushing myself further, get motivated or something.
How? I really don't know.
I am still dwelling on that day, last week, whereby I screwed up.

Some people I don't get and I guess, will not get.

Oh God help me go through this road bump. The car is not moving...

With Lotsa Love
TammyC
May this week be a new one with a smoother road.

CHANGE

They say that it's difficult dealing with changes.

Oh so true.

These few days, I feel that I've been bombarded with changes...

Changes in life, the things and people around me...

I've come to realize again the sad truth that everything is only temporary, even good things.

Before we know it, the soft bed of roses decays into what's left if not only the thorny stems before the buds bloom again...God knows when.

When things turn rosy again, I always wish that it could last forever. But who am I kidding, it's a bed of roses, not a bed of fake roses.

Within a few weeks, I suddenly felt that I've lost everything of meaning to me.

Perhaps I've fail to look at the positive, but I feel that things were not the same again and there's a hollowness inside.

It wasn't as I thought it would be or was anymore...and it's hurting in a weird sorta insecure way.

I've felt alone before, like perhaps no one understands me anymore.

I feel that perhaps, my presence is not needed. I feel that perhaps, I could just go....

Run far away where no one knows me, so that I could just start again and this time, just observe.

I hate feeling like you have so many people around you, and yet, there's nobody.

I think I'm fooling myself if I believe that there's someone out there who gets me more than I get myself....how naive........

I feel like I've lost grasp on things I love most.

Perhaps that's why I feel companies slipping away and loneliness seeping in.

Maybe I've also changed in ways I don't know.

I guess memories are something that we try to hold on to but perhaps can never fully do.

It fades with time...only the best memories last, but we can never relive because it will never be the same again no matter what we tell ourselves.

It can be the same place, or same person, or same object...but it will never be the same time and definitely, won't be the same moment because every moment gives you a different feeling. You feel different mainly because of....

Change..........

Inevitable, change....

Like Carrie Underwood says in her song...

"This is my temporary home..."

One day, I'll find eternal happiness, and not loneliness.

For now, I'll do what I do best...

"Smile"

But then again, perhaps I've changed......

With Lotsa Love

TammyC

TEMPERAMENTS

Should learn to control my temper sometimes and perhaps learn a more diplomatic approach to express discontentment.

I thought that I'm generally a patient person but when I'm super exhausted, really can't help but get really defensive and all heated up over certain things or matter that I don't see eye-to-eye on.

Events drive me crazy sometimes, but I love it!

The downside is that I get super tired and drained and perhaps that's when I get agitated easy.

Rudely slammed someone for unfairly criticizing my work.

Though on hindsight, the person doesn't deserved to receive such treatment because, oh well, the person is older and more experienced, I still feel that there is nothing wrong defending myself in that situation because it is pretty obvious that I was unfairly treated. I'm glad to have the support of one of my colleague who stood up for me...But I admit it was wrong for such a tone. :(

I'm not perfect, I admit...

I take positive criticism if the critic is justifiable and reasonable.

But when you judge me unfairly, I can't help but feel really angry...especially when it is partly your fault that affects other people's performance.

I believe in team work, although there are also things that should be done individually.

But we are somehow divided.

Feels like I'm alone...left out and casted aside with my own crap to deal with. I know it's not only me feeling that way. And there and then, you tried to segregate us even more. 

I feel the need to stand out but then again, can I? Perhaps I can't...

Feel the need to fit into a place in which, perhaps, I don't belong in anymore.

Time to move on? I don't know.

I'm very happy with the people I'm working with, but sadly, not literally working with because we have our own stuff to do. 

It's okay...

It will pass. That feeling of loneliness...of being lost in the middle of something you don't understand or know anymore...

For now, I'm just taking it in day by day, coping with everything - from insecurities to inferiority to stupidity and naivety...

Randomness....

Pimples: Killing me! I mean, it is bad enough that I look super ridiculous and ugly with that red spot stuck on my face, but to have it sting and itch makes me want to just cut the pimple off, (yes, literally just cut the pimple off with a scissors or something!)

Blood: Drops are better then puddles...

Headache: Might be getting one soon...

Insecure: That's what I'm feeling now and it's sickening because it turns me into a monster with a devilish heart...

Gareth Gates: Suddenly his song pops up on my playlist and here I am...writing about him.

Beauty: Currently only Cheryl Burke pops up in my head

I shall leave you with a quote: "Be Patient and Tough, Someday this pain will be useful to you" (How? Don't know, don't ask)

With Lotsa Love,
tammyc

NING, NEW PHONE & MORE STRESS

Can you believe that I've practically lost all brain cells to actually write a proper blog post?

I've lost all inspiration and I do not know what to write about, except to complain.

Sigh...

Well, that's the sickening fact of human life I guess. We will never be completely happy...

Loads have happened since I last wrote.
I feel so bad that I'm not in pursuit of what I love to do best - write. These days, whenever I have the time, I'd rather go on Facebook and waste every minute of my life there but not take some time to at least update my blogs on what is going on....my blog is like my journal, but lately, it has  too many missing pieces...

But let me try to wrap it all up...

Bye NING!

Last week saw me bidding goodbye to Huey Ning, a sweet girl I met from National Service.
She is off to Leicester for her studies and basically, I won't be seeing her for another 7 years. If lucky, perhaps I'll see her when she comes back to visit every 2 years.
In some ways I'm jealous that she gets to spend 7 years in UK, but well, what do I know, I only see the good in staying overseas...I don't know about the negative yet because my 3 month stay in Liverpool has been a bliss.
I can only wish Ning all the best and may her stay over there will be filled with as much joy as mine in Liverpool. Hopefully, she'll meet someone as cute as Andrew and she'll be less lonely.

NEW PHONE

I was so stressed up 2 days ago I had to splurge on something. So without fully utilizing my brains, I bought a new pink phone. Oh well, I've been planning to get a new phone since 2 months back but I guess I didn't plan to spend almost RM1000 for it. Also, it wasn't the model I wanted and honestly, the one I got now is not worth RM 1000. Sigh...oh well, I wanted something new to cheer me up so badly that I just couldn't care less anymore. Very typical of me...sometimes to not think before I do things just because my heart feels like it. Stupid some might say, but oh well, it did cheer me up...

Though after a while, I bet my heart will ache for the extra RM 200 spent on my new beautiful pink phone...

STRESS AT WORK

There's always going to be stress at work. You stress when there's nothing to do and you stress when there is a lot to do. You also stress when you know you have loads to do but you don't know what you need to do or have to do just because you don't know how to do.

These few days have been rough because the work is piling in and we can't take things for granted anymore. I guess again, I'm in this clueless position of what to do and where to begin.

Perhaps I should be more positive...Life is not about knowing everything but rather learning what you can. So not knowing is a good sign, isn't it?

Everyone at work is struggling with their own projects and this weekend was one filled with tension and stress.

Just hope that Monday will be a better day.

Of course, I'm also coping with my own project and like I said, still clueless but trying to get a hang of it.

Seriously, right now I don't even care if there's any careless grammatical errors or spelling errors in this posting because these days, I feel like in everything I do, I have to follow the rules and formality of writing.

I don't care. This is my own blog!

I'm going to let the words in my mind just casually flow through my fingertips. So what if I'm crapping and not making any sense...It's my life and in some places, I want to choose how to live it.

Going to fake it again tomorrow. 

Oh boy, I just wish I could run away and just holiday till the end of my days....

With Lotsa Love,

Tammyc